15 year-old know it all son

[Spiritedlight]

Hi everyone

I would like to have thoughts on how to handle/progress with son. He's 15, smart, lovely, very opinionated, completely resistant to being told anything and thinks he knows it all.

For example, a discussion about astrology/space etc - whilst DH is very knowledgable, DS will disagree with everything DH says, and quote, frankly, bollocks a lot of the time.

If we talk to him about the school's recommendations for self-study in Year 10 - which I know he's not doing, because I know what they expect - e.g., 2 x 30 mins of going over triple science lessons a week -he will completely tractor over the discussion with comments like, "I'm doing it through homework, it's about quality not quantity (he does the bare minimum), my grades are very good (not as good as he thinks) etc etc". Everything gets brushed off, diminished, he knows best. Always.

It's the oddest, most annoying thing. I've tried to talk to him about it but I don't get anywhere - except that he thinks we are telling him off, which suggests to me this is a defence mechanism. And we are really not telling him off in those moments, we're trying to open up conversation and be supportive about these school years.

I'm worried about his grades and how he's just going to not fulfil his potential. DH thinks let him get on with it and fail mocks etc, so he'll see for himself. But I don't know what to do.

Good post.

GCSE results are looked at when applying for jobs in law too.

He's being cocky because he is 15 - also, fear of admitting he isn't all knowing probably makes him jump to a defensive position. It is annoying but he will learn the hard way.
Also, he isn't too old to lose privileges like access to the internet or his phone. Perhaps he needs a wake up call about who controls things at home, and it shouldn't be him!

I don't think teens should be allowed to be rude or disrespectful, and that sort of behaviour should be verbally picked up
But I am not sure that threats about privileges would be proportional for a teen telling you "quality not quantity" and that you are wrong about astronomy?!

I just clicked on one of the related threads listed at the bottom of the page, and one is a question about whether to teach/enforce good study habits/give support with teens of this sort of age or whether to leave them to it, and there was voting, and 68 percent recommended leave them to it.

I thought it was really interesting, and I think strongly that the majority is completely wrong in this case (but obviously that is just my opinion).

It depends what you mean by “leaving them to it” though doesn’t it?

For example, down thread, I advised turning responsibility for their study over to them, but when I say that, I didn’t mean abandoning all expectations of them, or not checking up on their progress, or not being interesting in their study, exams, outcomes and future career choices.

Imho, if a lad hasn’t got in to the hang of self study and motivation around about the age of fourteen, any amount of nagging is going to be counter productive.

He needs to learn to discipline himself first and foremost; there’s only so much you as a parent can do for them. But of course, stay engaged, stay interested, be there, and keep the lines of communication open. And stand in the side lines and facilitate a good study environment, be a good role model and respond to requests and questions. But the actual study and how much they do, is down to them.

I think that’s what most people mean anyway.

Cocky can sometimes be the only way teens express but also mask their fears. Not many admit that they are finding school and the work tough . Apart from hormones , females , being seen as being tough and strong I feel with most it is trying to give that don’t give a damn attitude to all as a coping strategy.

I don't agree with this line "Imho, if a lad hasn’t got in to the hang of self study and motivation around about the age of fourteen, any amount of nagging is going to be counter productive."

A 14 year old boy is wildly different to a 15 and 16 year old boy. I've noticed a huge difference in a year. I don't think that you can write off them finding motivation and drive if they haven't found it by 14.

Do you mean astronomy (not astrology)?

This was established ages ago. The OP corrected it 10 minutes later.

The number of people who have repeated since since my correction makes it clear that most people a) don't read the thread b) or even the OP's posts before commenting.

I read about 30 comments before posting which was sufficient I felt....I didn't want to have to read pages and pages in to the thread on the off chance that this issue has already been addressed

Completely true. I spoke to one of my son’s teacher when my son was 15 because I was concerned about his lack of focus and motivation to study. He told me that in his 20 years of teaching, boys mature later than girls and for the most part (there are always exeptions before the Mumsnet brigade tell me how focussed their 15 yr olds are) it takes boys until they have a real goal in mind like a university course or otherwise before they are motivated to really to any work, they just don’t see the point in it any earlier. So realistically it can even be 17/18. I have a girl and two boys and the two boys have had a completely different attitude the whole way along. One of my boys age 17 is in his penultimate year before university (5th yr in Ireland, they leave school at end of 6th year) and the penny has suddenly dropped!!

So in no way write your son off now, he’ll get there and it doesn’t even have to be a particularly academic route x

He’s clearly been spoiled and over indulged earlier in life. Reap what you sow.

I think it is something about 15 yr olds. My son is currently the same. I have learnt to let it go. I give my opinion/fact/idea. It is up to him whether he takes it on board or not. He can then deal with his own mistakes. I have found he is at that age where they are starting to realise parents don't know it all, realise they still have a lot to learn but stubbornly don't want to admit it, and trying to navigate all the hormones etc, as well as all the challenges that comes with no longer being a child, but still not yet a man.

😃
He sounds like my ds. I do draw the line at back seat driving, from someone whom hasn't even turned the car on yet.

Also a fan of bare minimum. A lot of it is striving for independence, practising doing it his way. We dog walk a lot. He lectures me, then eventually he runs out of steam and talks normally. It doesn't last.

He joined the cadets, which helps and gets him out of the house two evenings a week and some weekends. He almost certainly thinks we are boring middle aged old farts whom unbelievably hold down jobs. He keeps this to himself mostly.

Any shit, wifi off.

Comments like this seriously piss me off. What an assumption! So unhelpful.

Take no notice of them, @Spiritedlight.

They’re talking shite, @SpiritedlightThey know nothing about you or your son.

Yes just ignore them OP.

Those who actually have parented teen boys get you 100%.

Sounds like a typical smartarse teenager to me.

This

Did you mean astronomy rather than astrology? PP may not be a big believer in star signs which is why they may have been a little unkind.

I think you are taking the piss now Annie.

This isn't helpful.

Reading the thread could be though.

Astrology is a bad subject and should not be in the household and is certainly NOT education! No one should be promoting astrology to anyone under 18. Lies and superstition.

Listen to your husband. Let him fail his mocks! Maybe knock some of the foolishness out of him.