Innocent colloquialism or condescending…?

[SpringDreams26]

I am an in house solicitor and have a new client (so also a colleague but one of the departments which instructs me/sends me work).

New client is quite arrogant, refers repeatedly to our “good working relationship” which I think he does quite manipulatively because he will promise an unrealistic timeframe to a third party which is entirely dependent on me, without checking with me re workload etc (usually work goes to a central inbox and is allocated according to workload, skillset etc, but he tends to come direct).

I’ve had to remind him the the fees he agrees externally are too low, and he keeps telling me that’s because of the sort of business etc they are - which is totally irrelevant to me - we have costs for certain matters that we use to quote so I’m not sure why he feels he has discretion to agree on my departments behalf.

Lastly, and the point of this post, he often calls me “my dear” so I sent a perfectly professional email to which he responded “I shall deal with [X] my dear, just get [X] done.”

He calls me “my dear” when he’s using a smart tone like I asked him about something he had done recently in conversation and he obviously felt I’d underestimated him (the reality was it wasn’t work related and I wasn’t interested in discussing his achievements) and he sort of said “of course I can my dear”.

Im not sure I’m explaining it well. I wouldn’t have said I’m particularly sensitive and I’ve been doing this job 12 years and can only think of one or two other people who have been particularly misogynistic, and overtly so. I can’t decide if I’m precious finding the use of “my dear” really annoying.

Yes that is annoying.

Patronising and shaping up to be a complete pain in the arse.

‘Please just address me by my name, Nigel.’

Your best bet is to say it back to him. I can guarantee he won't like it, but won't have a leg to stand on as he said it to you first

I'd be keeping a log of things and approaching HR if it continues.

He sounds patronising if he's doing it in writing. (If it were only spoken, I might have assumed that he was only an old fart.)

The only exception that I can think of would be if he happens to be of Asian heritage - I find that Asian gentlemen tend to do this if they're speaking to someone of a different age group? I vaguely remember this happening when I was a young woman in Glasgow, when interacting with older Asian gentlemen.

Now I only get this with men of Asian heritage young enough to my sons or grandsons. (The gender neutral term used by most working class males in my part of the world to women they don't really know is 'pal'.)

I can't think of a similar term being used in a non-patronising way by other male group.

No I wouldn’t like it (also in house solicitor)

If he’s supposed to send work to central mailbox I’d say please send work to mailbox as per our protocol not directly to me. If he persists knock it back. You have a mailbox for a reason.

Please refer to me by first name not my dear in our professional correspondence.

If he persists flag it with his manager.

You probably have a code for how to deal with colleagues/conduct yourselves and my dear won’t be acceptable.

I tend to call people like this “sweetie”. They don’t like it.

He’s white British, I’m 35 he’s around 40? It was the latest email that really got my back up!

In that case, he's a patronising little shit.

ETA He reminds me of certain of the private school boys around Glasgow...

I’d be my dearing back and also telling him I’d be allocating the legal costs not covered by his quote to his department.

I'm retired and as an older woman I tend to get called Dear. Sometimes by women as well as men actually. And I find it incredibly patronising.

If a colleague had called me this in a work situation I would have been really outraged. And I agree with @Rowley456
that you should take it up with HR

Have you got an admin person who can send him an email summarising the fees that need to be charged to ensure he sends the right fees out. Saying please do not amend the below fees for any third party without agreeing this with named person at our company and receiving an amended signed quote from us or we will be invoicing the full amount to the client and highlighting that you have quoted x amount in error to them.

presumably you have internal process (you alluded to them) so just reject his requests and refer him to the internal process.

Just don't engage with him at all, just take the work from whoever allocates it. And any questions about costs? escalate to your boss right away.

Just call him that all the time in response. You are his equal so if that's the level of casualness he places on your communications then he can't be offended to be addressed as the same?

Or maybe just palm him off on your least favourite colleague if at all possible.

Yes, it’s annoying and patronising and he wouldn’t use similar language with a male solicitor (I find it inconceivable, for example, that he’d say “my boy”). I’m not sure if I’d raise it or just quietly seethe but I do sympathise.

We use central mailboxes and bypassing isn’t allowed as you have processes for a reason. It ensures work dealt with in priory order, allocation according to skills and capacity and things aren’t missed if someone off. Some clients try and bypass and we push back to mailbox. Please can you send instructions to x email. They soon learn.

As for fees. Reply the legal fees for x job are £x (as published?) I’ll notify the external party they’ll be invoiced £x

“Please don’t call me your dear, that sort of thing isn’t acceptable now” - call him out every time until he gets the message.

This is a good response, better than my response in person, which been to call the culprit sweetie pie

How patronising and annoying. I'd be so annoyed I'd have to raise it with him directly.

I've been on the receiving end of similar, I think most women have at some point. For one persistent offender I eventually told him in a pleasant but firm tone that the only person who's allowed to call me whatever the 'endearment' was, is my dad. He didn't do it again.

Yes it’s annoying. He is manipulative. You have 2 choices:

1. Tell him not to call you my dear. He will react like hes a victim and tell you he was only being a gentleman
2. ignore it. It’s a reflection of him. By letting it bother you, you’re directing your energy where it doesn’t need to go.

i would be MUCH MORE concerned about the discretion he thinks he has over your department pricing and the arrogance he thinks he has promising unrealistic timelines.

if you ever need to raise this in the future, do so factually and without emotion. But I would be tempted to raise the pricing and workload issues instead. They seem more serious.

It definitely sounds condescending in the examples you used.

Super annoying, inappropriate at work. Can you call him “old sport” or “old bean” in return?

call him "my dear" back

I wouldn't do this, it undermines the lack of professionalism in him doing this and if you wanted to raise it as part of a pattern you've given him the opportunity to say..."well it was mutual"