Sorry another MIL thread

[supersonicginandtonic]

Am I wrong to be upset and a little angry about this? MIL mid 60s, only lives a ten minute drive from our house and drives. She hardly ever sees her grand daughters.last time was Boxing Day. Earlier this week DP had arranged to do something with her. She text just before to say she wasn’t coming as she was tired from looking after his sisters children.
She sees his sisters children, daily. Helps out with childcare, buys them gifts all the time etc.
im just so fed up of my girls being let down by her. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Your not wrong to feel this way . But there isn't really anything you can do about it. You can't force her to take an interest. It's a shame for your girls and I can understand why you feel defensive on their behalf . You don't know the dynamics of SIL relationship with her mother . MIL might feel pressured to provide childcare .

You are not wrong to feel that way. But match her energy. Seek the connections elsewhere. It doesnt have to be a biological grandpare t relationship that gives your children that connection.

You cant make mil care so dont spend your energy on her..

For me it was my mother who wasnt interested so I build a close relationship with mil. Result is the children speak lovingly about mil who passed 5 tears ago. Rarely mention my mother as they have no memories of her. They just accept that is how it was. It was the norm for them.

@Nofeckingwayoh I think you’re right there. Sister in law doesn’t work. I just wish she’d take an interest for my partners sake as it makes him sad. The older girl has started asking questions. I just think she’s either in their lives or she is not. She can’t keep letting them down as it’s unfair on them.

@Enkomy parents have a big role in their lives. See them weekly even though they live over an hour away so they aren’t going without.
They also have a fab relationship with the grandma of my older children, which is nice as she does not need to be in their lives but chooses to be.

Op your not wrong. Its frustrating drives me nuts. Mil does similar, will actually do stuff with SILs kids where with mine they end up hanging around the house watching tv all day.
I can see my oldest especially loosing all interest in GPs.

If she let's them down I'd stop telling the kids about potential plans. I'd wait until the last minute to tell them.

I’ve told my partner to stop telling them but he always thinks she won’t let them down this time 🙄

It must be rotten for him to think his mum cares more about sisters kids than his.
Because it must hurt.

Do you send her photos or update on social media regularly? Some people think they are 'in touch' because they see what you are doing, latest photographs even though there has been no physical (or by phone) contact for an age.

Knowing that your girls see the other grandmothers, I bet she justifies her distance by saying 'They are all for her family, I don't get a look in'. Generally on here, DHs do not like to make a scene and want to keep the peace but has he told his mother how hurt and disappointed he is with her lack of interest.

@Katflapkithe’s told her multiple times. Nothing changes. We even arranged a day that suited her where she could come weekly, she came twice but then stopped as sisters daughter started a club and needed picking up.
We do send regular photos and updates. MIL is not on social media.

I suspect your MIL is actually spending time with her adult daughter rather than her grandchildren by her daughter (as in, it’s adult time with young children who have to be there). She probably doesn’t have the same sort of relationship with her son, and definitely not you. She’s just not interested in children, probably.

I think your DH needs to grow a backbone and say something like:

"Actually Mum, its not ok to just cancel - especially when its because you're tired from looking after X kids and my kids were excited to see you. How about you prioritise your GC equally and stop being so unfair with your time. You see X children all the time and never see my kids. Its rude at best and cruel at worse. My daughters are asking questions why you don't seem to bother and its hurtful for me to awnser those questions. Ultimately it is up to you to have a relationship with them/me - but dont be surprised if we match your energy and dont prioritise you in our lives anymore. We will see if if you make effort and it suits us/when we're not tired. If not - your loss. Enjoy the week"

Then match her energy from there on.

@canklesmctacotitsthis isnt always the case. More like shes like a 3rd parent to the children. Does the school runs feeds them etc.

My issues isn’t really her spending all her time with the other grandchildren it’s more the issue of letting mine down and they can see how differently she treats them if that makes sense.
The cousins were talking about the bikes they got for Christmas and my kids got £20 in a card. My 7 year old was confused. I think it’s more to do with my mum treating all her grandkids (and there’s a lot of them) equally.

I think you’re either in a child’s life or you’re not. You can’t keep letting them down. I wouldn’t let a dad do this to them.

I'll give my MIL some credit. All the DGCs get exactly the same amount for Birthdays and Christmas.
But time is definitely spent differently.
The little things, they always want Christmas with SIL. They'll have SILs kids for a week in summer and do tons of stuff, they have mine for a day and do next to nothing.

Well, then that’s surely why she sees little of your children — she is genuinely tired from looking after her other grandchildren?

But thats the point. She shouldn't be making arrangements then cancelling them because shes already knackered herself out.
She should be saying to DD Sorry I can't do x as I'm doing y later.

If she wants equal relationships with DGC she needs to be equal with her time.

But the OP can’t do anything about another person’s behaviour.

Just give back what you get. We had similar and now my DC aren't too bothered about MIL

Do you think it could be because you have children that are not your partners children and she doesn’t want to spend time with them?

I tend to think that this sort of very different dynamic is because it’s a preference for their own child and it translates down through the grandchildren, happened in my family. I am one of 6 children and it was always very obvious who was the favourite child, not me I hasten to add. My sister’s children became her favourite grandchildren by far. When my Mother died she left everything to her favourite child. Her will also stated that if my sister pre deceased her then her estate was to go to my sister’s kids.

Because there are so many of us we at least have each other to talk to about this. Two of us saw this coming and accepted it the other three didn’t and two of them came close to having some sort of breakdown.

SIL is very obviously her Fathers favourite out of DH and her, PIL divorced years ago. FIL left his entire estate to SIL. We joke we are in the least favourite child club. We had the most successful careers and FIL and my Mother used to like boasting about us. Whereas our sisters who benefitted have both caused issues All four of them were/are obnoxious people really. When they met up at family get togethers there was a very weird energy between my Mother and FIL.

Sorry it’s a bit long but what I’m trying to point out is it isn’t worth the emotional stress. Enjoy what you have with the people that show you they love you which fortunately you do have.

@ViciousCurrentBunshe doesn’t have much to do with my older children as they are 17 and 18 and they have active grandparents

Very frustrating and unfair, but unfortunately you can't change someone else's behaviour. I think all you can do is decide how you want to protect your children from the effects, and talk to your partner about it to set some boundaries. I feel very sad for him also. I never met my grandpa because he was abusive, but I feel fine about it because I had another set of grandparents who loved me a lot and you don't miss what you've never had. I think that would be better than not feeling good enough and having to just put up with it.

Just protect your children from this. I have the same issue, my DH parents barely speak to us. We live in the same town as his sister and his parents will literally drive past our house to visit them and wont call to us.
Its a bit to do with the fact his mother has a closer r/ship with her daughter and a bit (lot!) to do with the fact his mother very much dislikes me.

Its a shame as they are missing out on their grandkids but they dont care.
I offered for DH to visit them without me so the kids could have some sort of r/ship with them, but the grandparents are not open to this either. DH said the other day that really he doesnt think they would be a good influence in their lives anyway.
My children are 15-18 now and have asked about the r/ship and we have just been honest that they are strange people but emphasised that the grandparents are the ones missing out.

Your DH needs to speak to them but he also needs to stop telling the children about visits when he knows they are likely not to happen.

It's never going to be what you or your husband want it to be so best to accept it and stop winding the kids about ever seeing her. Let her fade into the background for them as that's how she prefers it. Focus on the other grandparents they actually have a relationship with rather than make it feel to them that they are missing out on your partner's mother. They will only feel like they are missing out if you set them up for disappointment. Many children are closer to one set for various reasons, and they don't need to feel upset about it.

@MyLittleNestwere are not winding them up we
are trying to protect them but they are not stupid and will notice it. Especially now they are growing older and they hear about her when they see their cousins.