Sorry another MIL thread

[supersonicginandtonic]

Am I wrong to be upset and a little angry about this? MIL mid 60s, only lives a ten minute drive from our house and drives. She hardly ever sees her grand daughters.last time was Boxing Day. Earlier this week DP had arranged to do something with her. She text just before to say she wasn’t coming as she was tired from looking after his sisters children.
She sees his sisters children, daily. Helps out with childcare, buys them gifts all the time etc.
im just so fed up of my girls being let down by her. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Our children are very much the second best children.

Ours get cancelled on, his siblings get at least once a week, childcare, day trips, holidays, take away nights.

Our children noticed and pulled back themselves. Now the in-laws wonder why the children are not interested in them when they are about. Wonder why they don’t know things about them. It’s 100% their loss.

Your dh however needs to not mention possible visits. Let them be a pleasant suprise for when she does actually stick to her word rather than another let down.

Op when she sees your kids, does she tell them all the things shes been up to with the cousins?

Because that drives me nuts.

@Needspaceforlegoshe hardly ever sees them. It’s when they see the cousins when they tell the girls everything they’ve been doing with nana. They were telling them last week how they’d been to a national trust property etc.
Nana has looked after my girls once and that was due to my partner having an accident and me going to collect him from A&e.
I agree with not telling them of any plans though. We tend not too most of the time.

Oh wow. No way would I accept that. Either she splits her time/resources/gifts/energy etc equally amongst the grandkids or not at all. That's showing favouritism and your kids may end up feeling as though they are second best - it's not fair on them. Don't let her have that effect on your kids, please

The gifts and days out is very unfair. But if she’s only 10 mins away, couldn’t you take the kids round? Even just to drop in for 15 mins so they see her for a bit and don’t feel left out.
My SIL is very emotionally manipulative, has high expectations and won’t take no for an answer. So her kids always come first, I wonder if there is any element of this

Stop arranging to do things with her and get on with your lives. Your kids have two sets of interested grandparents by the sound of it.

DH should tell her it's unfair to keep cancelling them, and you aren't going to keep putting up with it and disappointing your DC.

It's a shame, and she may regret it in years to come, but that's not your problem.

It’s not unreasonable to be sad about it, my side of the family all live 10/15 mins away from me and yet one of my parents doesn’t really bother with my children, but will with my siblings ones. They last saw my children not long after Christmas, my DH’s side are even less bothered and instead spend their time with their daughter’s children.
It used to bother me a lot, I would try and initiate contact with all immediate relatives meet ups etc and was told they weren’t home, or busy etc so I decided to match energy….
I simply dropped the rope with anyone who didn’t bother instead of trying, I see my siblings and nieces/nephews but that’s it. It’s quite liberating really, I get some occasional digs when I do see our parents, usually at a birthday that they’ve not seen me for ages or that I’m a stranger, I just smile and say they know where I live and are welcome anytime!
They won’t visit and then will say the same thing 3-4 months down the line at the next family event….

I really feel your pain and was about to write a whole thread about us in a similar situation. At what point do we withdraw contact to protect our children. My 7 year old still seems oblivious and loves playing with their cousins. Big family get together weirdly are okay but I still feel this sense of sadness that the grandparents dont spent any and I mean any time with our kids. They only see us when we come to the big family events that they would go to regardless. All school holidays are reserved for childcare with my SIL kids. I dont even want the childcare but it would be nice for them to say oh on x weekend can we visit or during half term can we see x for a day. Not without trying, for years I always tell them they are welcome at ours whenever, ive tried asking 6 months in advance about suggesting plans for half terms and told it depend what they are doing for SIL. I am now debating whether to visit or not anymore at all. But.... there is a big benefit, when we do visit as they live down dorset by the coast. Its the perfect way to spend a week in the school holidays especially the 6 week summer. But we are slowly starting to see that is the only times they will spend with our kids is when we visit them but they put all their time and energy into seeing the other grandkids. Who live further away than us and they practically drive past us to get to them. Its incredibly hurtful 💔

It sounds hurtful and intention doesn’t matter if the outcome is hurting someone’s feelings, especially children, but I think it comes down to personal relationships and obliviousness.

My sister has two children - I’d basically go steal them from her house anytime I want if I fancied it - my mum is probably the same. My SIL is lovely but she isn’t my sister and my brother isn’t the default parent, so nothing could be arranged by my parents or us via him, only my SIL. They have a very busy life as a couple and with their kids, so pre-planning can be hard if they have kids birthday parties and plans with friends/family. What I mean to say is, if my sister said she was busy at kids parties all weekend, I’d probably still pop round on a Saturday morning or invite them to drag themselves to mine for Sunday lunch. While I’d offer the same to my sister in law, I think she’d like to be home and organised with the kids and not have her SIL just turn up and start playing with them anytime I like. It’s not my SIL, we really get on, it’s my brothers lack of organisation and knowledge about where they are at any given weekend.

I think with your MIL it sounds an element of that. She wants to hangout with her daughter and has that natural closeness just to “hang out without effort” and turn up if her daughter was running round in a towel with undressed kids. As a result, this dynamic then means she sees them more and feels more comfortable. So basically. There’s nothing you can really do more than you are doing. You’re fighting a losing battle to expect the same closeness, it’s the old saying of “mothers lose their sons”.

@Parsleyformeher house isn’t suitable for us to go round or we would.

Thanks for the replies gives me something to think about ❤️

You’re not wrong for feeling upset and disappointed by this but there isn’t much you can do about it. Other than not make these arrangements with her going forward as she’s proven to be too flakey and will let down your children.

My mother in law is the same. She has no bond with my DD and never comes to see her or even messages to ask how she is etc, yet has the audacity to sign birthday or Christmas cards 'from granna' 😡 I feel she should earn the title and not be given it!

Way I see it is that my DD won't be any worse off without her. She hasn't needed her until now. My mother and father give her all the love she needs 😍

So you aren't alone op. Never fight for anyone's love for your child! Sorry you are having to deal with it!