AIBU re comment made by my teen

[powersthatbe]

Name changed for this post.

I moved in with DH yrs ago to a house he already owned.
i sold my flat and profit went twds what became a joint mortgage and i went on deeds and then we married. Over the yrs i have put bonuses towards the mortgage and paid for a significant extension. I made salary and pension sacrifices for 10 yrs raising the DC and working PT but am now back working FT. Continued contributing twds household in all that time.

A huge bone of contention over the yrs is that DH endlessly makes me feel like its not my house. He thinks its hilarious to tell people he “rescued” me from a tiny flat and in any serious argument tells me i must leave, reasoning its “his” house. We have had serious relationship issues for a few yrs and I have told him that the issue of the house being “his” is a deal breaker. I actually hate our home because of the narrative he has spun over the yrs and have told him if he doesnt stop and work out why he continues to think its only his, then we are done.

For my AIBU - today i was jesting with my 13yo DS…mucking around/play fighting and at one point I joked “get outta my house”. He replied “Its not your house. DF paid for this house”. Then made eye contact with his DF who was at the other end of the room. I was crushed. DH said nothing to correct or challenge him. I made my anger very clear but left the room to avoid escalating as younger DC was around.

I am gutted beyond belief. I have spent yrs focussing efforts on raising an emotionally intelligent boy and trying to protect him against what is the fallout of generations of my DHs family being sent to boarding school at age 8 and my FIL who is an absolute misogynist.

I want to read the riot act, call DH out, haul DC over the coals for this comment. DC knows he is wrong but said he didnt mean it. I told him the very fact it left his mouth is the prblem.

AIBU to tell DH he has to sit down with DC and I and do the explaining as to why what DC said is wrong, to correct him that i also own our home and that that sort of attitude and disrespect towards DM will not be tolerated?

Or do i just LTB DH at this stage?

So as not to dripfeed - DH and I have had recent crisis talks and i did see some hope and change on his side , but after today just feel
deflated and cant face raising the DC around him.

Tell your son and husband that they will soon know who owns the house when it becomes the focus of the divorce settlement.

You cant help your DH but there is time to try to instill respect for women into your son.

You have a husband problem but you know that. I would be getting a valuation of the house and laying out amounts of money that you put towards it. Work out the percentage that was of the value when you moved in. Present all of that to your husband and ask him how he figures you don’t own that house. Do the deeds say you own it? Make sure they do.

Your son is just parroting what he’s heard. Hurtful but he won’t understand that that’s not actually true at all.

Well you’d get 50% of the house if you were to divorce. If you can afford to buy a smaller place for yourself and DC I would. Although you’d have to share custody of DC.

I would have said something at the time and every single time it was / is mentioned.

I think your reaction just supported your son's pov.

So for years your DH has referred to it as his house and you’ve put up with it but now your 13yo has learnt to do the same you’ve all of a sudden found your voice and want to punish him for it??

Why is your focus on this poor child who is just repeating what he’s heard for years and not your DH’s behaviour and your lack of consequences for it.

You want to punish your son for yours and DHs past behaviour and that’s not fair.

I would have been gone the first time a man ever told me that it wasn’t my home.

Separate and then get the house sold to get back what you put in.

I wouldn’t bother raising it again with either of them.

Let your solicitor do the talking.

Your DH is hilarious, isn't he? Time to have a very serious chat with him. Tell him to grow up or you'll be leaving. (I did this with my DH when I got fed up with his moaning about me. I organised to move in with a friend, then gave him an ultimatum - stop, or I leave. He stopped!)

I’m so sorry OP but this is what happens when women live with awful men. Their sons become awful men. Role models are the most powerful influencer on a child. I hope you can leave and try to help you kid.

Your problem is with your H not your son. 13 year old boys are often unthinking byt he has been contaminated over years with your husband's inappropriate comments. I hope you can sort things out with your H but you are completely justified in asking him to correct your son's misguided view of who owns and paid for your home. He will probably say who you making a mountain out of a flippant comment, doesn't want to upset DS etc but that is gaslighting. Stand your ground. He wouldn't have sat back if your DS had said the reverse and claimed you had paid for the house.

Ask your husband for all your money back plus compensation for working part time etc. You’ll have a share of his pension to. All of this can be achieved via the divorce. He’ll soon realise how good he had i

Well they are both factually incorrect, your name is on the deeds and you have considerable equity in the property. I would be more concerned about the disrespect you’re getting from your DS and his DF.

you should not be disrespected like that in your own home under any circumstance and being threatened like that would have me considering divorce

I suspect your husband needs to be educated on the meaning of marriage in law. From what you say you are married & contributed to the joint mortgage. In the UK if you decided to divorce, the starting point for the 'marital home' and savings / investments and future pensions is 50:50. It is likely that as a mother you would be awarded more as you normally would have more responsibility for the children (Often 60% to his 40%). It may be worthwhile approaching a solicitor who specialises in family law for advice as the law has changed in recent years. Often the first appointment is free and doesn't mean you have to divorce but it is good to know your rights and a letter from a solicitor to your husband may educate him and focus his mind! (I am legally trained but not in family law).

You don’t need your husband to tell your son this. You can tell him yourself. Pull out the paperwork. Add up the numbers. Stick to facts.

Once you’ve done that, start divorce proceedings. How can you allow yourself to be so submissive to someone so dismissive?

I want my DH to do the talking as he needs to say it out loud and DS needs to hear it from him.

I hadnt thought DS had been exposed to this. The comments are (i believed) always to me when kids arent around. I am shocked at the possibility he has been saying this directly to DS. DS is ordinarily a respectful kid.

And DH is well aware of the numbers. When we had crisis talks recently i gave him the figures behind my contribution and asked him to explain why he thought i had brought nothing to the home.

I agree I need to see a lawyer.

And yet he clearly still thinks of it as his house.

I think this would be a LTB for me. You may have had the talks but his reaction to your DS said it all. He still believes he owns the house solely.

I have in the past. Every. Single. Time. I have an email on record of me asking him to stop with that narrative because words apparently werent enough.

I held back today as family were about to arrive and didnt want a 3-way argument with t both or in front of younger DC.

You sound more vested in your DH accepting and acknowledging the truth, than the truth itself.

He won’t do this. If he hasn’t done it yet, he won’t ever do it. It’s about how he sees himself: bigger than you, better than you, your superior.

Don’t waste your breath or your time. He’s a stunted man. You can’t win with one of these because his problems are much, much bigger than his relationship with you. They’re so big they define him. You can’t change that.

If you’ve had crisis talks and he knows this upsets you and still does it then of course you should leave.
Your DS is repeating what he’s heard so he has been exposed to this.
However from your DS’s POV if he says this and his parents immediately split up he’s going to think it’s his fault.
It’s not, it’s your DH’s so make sure your son knows this or you’ll be leaving him with all sorts of complicated feelings of guilt that he’s too young to properly process. It’s not a reason to stay but you need to communicate with your DS.

I feel sorry for your 13 year old in the middle of this shit show between his parents.

@canklesmctacotits you are spot on. I have tried to get him to go to counselling and he point blank refuses. I think I need to accept it is over.

Yes, hence I am here seeking advice. As another poster has said, I dont want him to think any potential split is connected to what he said. But my own parents split up in my teens so I am
aware what tricky ground I am on. DS is front and centre of my mind. I have already reassured him this eveing that his apology is accepted but that he crossed a boundary and a follow up chat is needed.

I have already reassured him this eveing that his apology is accepted but that he crossed a boundary and a follow up chat is needed.
What poison has his father dripped into his mind?

You should have given your DH both barrels and corrected your teen - why wouldn't you correct them? So what if someone is coming by... they need told.

I expect your younger DC think the same as your teen so them staying is fine.

Why wait to sit down and explain? just do it when its convenient.

I don't think I would trust him to explain it - it seems he has already told your DS that version. Why do you think leaving them to discuss it further would sort the issue out? You know you need to firm this up yourself with all of them. I would begin by explaining the costs of having a chef, cleaner, gardener, laundrette/dry cleaner, PA and explain you have worked all of these free for the family for years.