AIBU re comment made by my teen

[powersthatbe]

Name changed for this post.

I moved in with DH yrs ago to a house he already owned.
i sold my flat and profit went twds what became a joint mortgage and i went on deeds and then we married. Over the yrs i have put bonuses towards the mortgage and paid for a significant extension. I made salary and pension sacrifices for 10 yrs raising the DC and working PT but am now back working FT. Continued contributing twds household in all that time.

A huge bone of contention over the yrs is that DH endlessly makes me feel like its not my house. He thinks its hilarious to tell people he “rescued” me from a tiny flat and in any serious argument tells me i must leave, reasoning its “his” house. We have had serious relationship issues for a few yrs and I have told him that the issue of the house being “his” is a deal breaker. I actually hate our home because of the narrative he has spun over the yrs and have told him if he doesnt stop and work out why he continues to think its only his, then we are done.

For my AIBU - today i was jesting with my 13yo DS…mucking around/play fighting and at one point I joked “get outta my house”. He replied “Its not your house. DF paid for this house”. Then made eye contact with his DF who was at the other end of the room. I was crushed. DH said nothing to correct or challenge him. I made my anger very clear but left the room to avoid escalating as younger DC was around.

I am gutted beyond belief. I have spent yrs focussing efforts on raising an emotionally intelligent boy and trying to protect him against what is the fallout of generations of my DHs family being sent to boarding school at age 8 and my FIL who is an absolute misogynist.

I want to read the riot act, call DH out, haul DC over the coals for this comment. DC knows he is wrong but said he didnt mean it. I told him the very fact it left his mouth is the prblem.

AIBU to tell DH he has to sit down with DC and I and do the explaining as to why what DC said is wrong, to correct him that i also own our home and that that sort of attitude and disrespect towards DM will not be tolerated?

Or do i just LTB DH at this stage?

So as not to dripfeed - DH and I have had recent crisis talks and i did see some hope and change on his side , but after today just feel
deflated and cant face raising the DC around him.

I would begin by explaining the costs of having a chef, cleaner, gardener, laundrette/dry cleaner, PA and explain you have worked all of these free for the family for years.
That is not fair to put that on a 13 year old. That is part and parcel of being a parent.

You can’t raise an emotionally intelligent boy with a healthy attitude towards women while you’re modelling the complete opposite by staying married to an overt misogynist. It can’t be done. Your H’s values are poisoning your child’s mind.

How disrespectful, cruel and assuming of
your husband. It’s fine beyond a joke to elevate his ego. I’d tell him I’m off to find someone who values me. And mean it.

Don't be angry with your son - he's just parroting what he's obviously heard from your husband. You can insist that your husband tells him that you have contributed equally but really, it sounds like you've reached the end of the road in your marriage. Get a lawyer and sell the house and take your half.

I wasn't suggesting just saying that to the 13 yo but to the family all together. Why this hasn't been explained when this arose by the husband is part of the problem. Children not understanding the sacrifices made for them often create entitlement. The fact is in many relationships women give up far more than men for their family, which should be explained to kids, especially boys watching Andrew Tate.

Tbh, I think you were not very sensible to say what you did to.your son, you opened the door to the answer that you got, knowing that it's been a bone of contention for years. However, I think your best way forward is to get legal advice about where you would stand in a divorce.

*gone beyond a joke to elevate his ego

This.

Just for a comparison, I had a boyfriend who owned his house and I moved in for a couple of years and paid him rent.
He never said anything like this or made me feel like it was less my home than his.

Threatening your 13 year old son with a divorce.... and the parent of the year award goes to....

Divorce. Half the house is yours.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. But your son is only parroting what he's heard. I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it right now. He's apologised and said he's knows he was wrong. Be wary of going nuclear on your son as the 'easy' option rather than taking on your husband.

Absolutely this!!

Its really frustrating that OP has seemingly put up with it for years and then even a child repeats it, she wants to punish him.

Of course he’s not going to grow up respecting women when he’s being taught not to every day.

Actions speak louder than words.
You can tell him what to do until you’re blue in the face but until he has that behaviour modelled then your words are meaningless.