Single parent but your not- why do people say this?

[QuickPearlFox]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but why do people/ parents in relationships say things like they are a ‘single parent’ ‘solo parenting’ ‘single parenting’ whenever they are not with their partner, partner at work or their partner is away for a a few days etc?
I don’t view this as being a single parent in any sense. Is this not just looking after your own children when your partner is not present?!!
in saying this it also minimises what life is like for an actual single parent eg one income, nobody else to help out with daily life and everything else that comes with it

I was literally just about to say, it’s not a race to the bottom 🙄

Meh, maybe yes.

But not all single parents would see it as tactless.

I certainly wouldn't have and I was single parent to an 8 year old and a 10 month old baby.

If she doesn't know how her friend copes then she doesn't know how she copes.

It's no reflection on you or anyone else.

I see single parent as having another parent on the scene but not together.
Solo parenting as the other parent completely not on the scene.
I cant bear people saying Im a single/solo parent this weekend so dismissive.

Solo parenting - your partner is away for a bit / in the forces.

Single parent - split up with other parent but they still see the children and you get time for yourself.

Lone parent - always alone, never get a night off. A rest is a rare planned out patient hospital treatment with a few days off work and a bonus anaesthetic sleep. (Me for the last fifteen years).

'Solo parenting' sounds reasonable but 'single' means you're not in a relationship with the child's other parent and have the majority of contact.

I’m a solo parent to my 2 year oldd son who is donor conceived. Yes it does smart when people use the “I’m solo parenting” line because it clues me into their privilege that usually they can go to a gym class on a Saturday or have a night out without having to worry about a babysitter, etc but then I chose this path so I was prepared for this reality. My coupled friends who use these phrases often check themselves guiltily after saying it in front of me but I don’t think they need to. If you’re used to a support system and it’s suddenly taken away that’s hard. For me, it’s the norm. I don’t think we SMBCs have exclusive rights to the term “solo parenting” but just excuse me if I don’t cry me a river for you because you have a hard weekend every now and again.

if I could bank the phrase “I don’t know how you do it” I could afford to work part time.. 😂

Agree. And one of my married friends has a husband away all the time, while another of my friends chooses not to live with the dad of her 2 kids (he does work and suggested they get a house), and instead lives with her parents and as they hardly work, they do a lot of the housework and childcare. So whether you are single or have a partner doesn't necessarily make your life any easier, or more difficult.

Well parents who are widowed don't have another parent who is variably present, do they? Or those who adopted as a single parent, or who had a child with a donor or one night stand or partner who disappeared during the pregnancy, or where the other parent is in prison or forbidden to have contact because they are a danger. Those parents all exist so no, there aren't always two parents. There are two at conception but not necessarily after that point.

I say I'm a single parent. I'm divorced have 100% custody and no cms. But their father does see them in my house (supervised access only). He does cook them tea and sees them most days.
I do all the financial support, all the educational stuff all the logistics for clubs and sports etc.
I don't know how else to describe my situation?

See, I hate the phrase 'it's not a race to the bottom'..

No, its not but like many things in life, until you've lived it, you have no awareness. So don't trivialise people's experiences of just how hard doing it on your own is and imply they've got no right to have a moan because someone, somewhere has it worse.. fucks me right off!

A race to the bottom? Are we who parent fully ALONE ALL OF THE TIME seen as 'the bottom' of society? Fuck off. Seriously disgraceful language. I dont know about others but I am in a group of parents with NO outside 'help'. We are all professional women with jobs, own homes etc AND raising kids 100% alone. Bottom? No sweetness we are the TOP. Nothing to be shamed or to shame about a woman who does every single thing alone. No race to nowhere.

the reality is that those who are on their own with their kids could be a. The only parent (other parent deceased, never part of life or not in life physically or financially) b. Living alone but the other parent contributes financially and/or shares custody c. Lives with other parent but they are away, short or long term. Yes category c isn’t the same as category a financially speaking but they often are the only person there, whilst I don’t have huge amounts of sympathy if it’s just for a few days, most of us did that, think of military wives for example, 6 months plus often for those on submarines or navy tours.

I’ve never heard anyone claim to be a single parent or that their life is comparable to one just because they’re parenting alone for a few days. Maybe some people say it as a light hearted joke, and I get why that would be annoying. But I’ve never heard anyone say it seriously.

Even solo parenting I only hear when someone’s partner is away from home for at least 1-2 days, not just at their regular job or back late from a night out. If you have a partner who pulls their weight, then parenting without them does feel like a step up or does involve some logistical changes so might come up in conversation.

@gototogo so you have someone helping with finances and someone to discuss emotions, make decisions with mentally etc right? NOT THE SAME.

Exactly.

That’s why these race to the bottom threads are annoying. Most people who have less support than is desirable are allowed to find it challenging. Hearing someone else has got it worse isn’t really a helpful response. I get that looking for sympathy from someone genuinely doing it on their own is not a good look.

But as PPs have said there are a range of situations. You could be a lone parent with a nanny and very involved parents earning a great salary. That might be a better situation than someone in an abusive marriage who does all the housework and childcare and never gets a break. Those are both exaggerated examples but the point is people are allowed to feel unsupported and don’t need constant lectures about how it could be worse.

I was absolutely a single parent, even when married.

In fact, it was harder when I was married as I had XH ready to criticise me, mess up routines and his feelings to tip toe around.

By your definition, I feel you wouldn’t class separated parents that both have a relationship with the child as single parents as there are still two parents involved?

This. Sums it up perfectly.

Lone parent due to DV so no ex contact and therefore no free time for me.

Another mother at school was upset and was crying in the school yard because her husband was being sent away by work. She was going to be on her own Mon-Fri for two weeks. The children didn't have any additional needs.

Someone else organised a rota with other mothers taking turns to help her with bedtimes, housework and cooking meals for her to help her cope with being a single parent.

I got called selfish because I said I didn't want to help as nobody ever offered to cook my dinner or runs the hoover round for me and I'm on my own with mine 24/7. I got told that was different as I was used to it 🙄

I think there are nuances with this topic. I know single parents with supportive exes who share 50/50 custody. I also know married women whose DHs work long hours/are away with work for long stretches and barely see their children. To be honest, both situations seem pretty equal to me, whether single or in a relationship. Perhaps relationship status shouldn't really be the defining factor, but rather "parenting input"?

There is no doubt that it is very different for people who have little support or no contact whatsoever with their ex. Also no doubt that there is a sliding scale and every situation is different.

Crikey. I'd take a very dim view of that. They certainly showed their true colours (sounds like quite a performance, for performances sake).

My husband works abroad about 75% of the year. I never refer to myself as a single mum even thoigh it does feel I solo parent alot. I hate people that put stuff like that because their partner is on a stag or something!!

This has to be a joke 😂😂 if its not WTAF? 🙈🙈

I have friends who say they are “single parents” but then their ex has the children 3 nights a week every single week so they get a proper break.

so why can’t someone say they’re single parenting when their husband is away with work for a week?

I’m a single parent, work nearly full time on an average salary, 2 kids the same age and an exh who sticks them in front of a screen when he has them EOW and pays no maintenance.

some people would say I’m not a single mum because the dad is involved.

But I don’t really care and i find the endless comparisons and discussions about the definitions of being a single parent, boring and tedious. One of my other single mum friends has a completely different set of circs to me but is still a single mum.
who really cares!

All my married/partnered friends use “solo parenting” to mean they are flying solo for that period of time and life/work/responses etc will accordingly be more challenging. To me it’s different to saying you are a single parent.