Single parent but your not- why do people say this?

[QuickPearlFox]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but why do people/ parents in relationships say things like they are a ‘single parent’ ‘solo parenting’ ‘single parenting’ whenever they are not with their partner, partner at work or their partner is away for a a few days etc?
I don’t view this as being a single parent in any sense. Is this not just looking after your own children when your partner is not present?!!
in saying this it also minimises what life is like for an actual single parent eg one income, nobody else to help out with daily life and everything else that comes with it

If you are a single adult ie not in a relationship and you have children under 18 i would say 'single parent' why on earth does it need to be more complicated than this?

For the glory obviously. They want the prestige and glamour that comes with single parenting.

Single parent = there is another parent, but not together
Lone parent= no other parent
Solo parent = temporarily parenting on their own.

At least that’s how I see it

The only people I've ever really heard say this in real life are people who are really struggling with a really crap partner so I just give them sympathy.

Ive seen some of those people go on to be actual single parents and there life improved.

I do see people in mn say it but again I think they just feel lonely in thier parenting and are looking for help.

I used to say that I was a sole parent. I meant that DD’s father never paid maintenance and chose to have no involvement in her life. People who share parenting, whether every other weekend or more, plus pay or receive maintenance - that’s coparenting. I’ve never heard of solo parenting for a week but the definition on this thread makes sense.

Several of my team are single parents, at times I solo parent. I wouldn’t say single about me as I have a partner to share the mental load, make decisions etc. and I don’t want to minimise what my team (and clearly others) are dealing with. But if I’m doing most of it on my own temporarily it’s helpful to have a label such as explaining why I can’t do something or just when chatting about life.

After me and hubby split up I was a single parent - I ran a house on a single income while parenting even though we co-parented and he paid maintenance. To me, it’s not the same as having a dual income or a one income/2 parent household by choice.

I recently became a lone parent as ex hubby has passed away so is no longer around to co-parent.

I find it very annoying and minimising when people flippantly say they feel like a single/lone parent when one partner is away, a few days is very different to a whole life of it, especially when it’s been taken completely out your hands by cruel circumstances

I don’t think it really makes sense to police the terms.

If we’re talking about sharing the load, is someone with a fully involved ex who pays an actually morally acceptable amount and is involved in all important decisions, takes equal time off work when the child is ill, takes them to dentist appointments etc more entitled to use the phrase single parent than someone who, as an example, has a spouse who works abroad for months? I’m not sure the person with the spouse would use the term single parent, but day to day they probably are more of one in practical terms.
Should a widow be annoyed at the person with the fully involved ex using the term single parent, because they don’t actually know what it’s like to do it totally alone?

I’ve never heard someone use the phrase “single parent” to describe just a day or a weekend alone with their children, and would probably roll my eyes a bit. But solo parenting seems fine to me - you are doing the parenting that day, and you’re doing it solo. I probably wouldn’t think it worth mentioning, but it doesn’t seem inaccurate.

true. When I was married to XH I certainly felt like a single parent in every way except he contributed to household income.

Life was arguably easier in the first few “co-parenting” years after we split while he was paying maintenance and having the kids part of the time, as I actually got a break and could have a social life.
it was too good to last as he got bored of playing the role of innocent ex husband who did nothing wrong so now he doesn’t see them and doesn’t pay any maintenance.

This is also how I’d see it.

I’ve never heard someone say they are a single parent when they are parenting alone while partner is away etc but I have heard people say they are solo parenting for that time and they’re right, they are.

Some people do this with everything, like they say they are "a bit ocd" when they just like cleaning or women who give birth at 39+4 and say their baby was premature.

Solo and single basically mean the same thing though. There is nothing inherent about the word 'single' that implies it's any more permanent than 'solo' - that's just the meaning you're attaching to it. And if someone says they are a single parent for the weekend, it's pretty clear what they mean.

. When my husband worked away when my children were young often for 2/3 weeks at a time, often overseas with vast time differences and non contactable I’d say I felt like a single parent (as in I had to make all the day to day decisions) but without the financial constraints.

This 100%. Absolutely everything falls to me, no second parent at all and also no family in this country. I do all of the earning, all of the parenting, all of the cooking/clleaning/household stuff, all of the paying of bills, wiping tears, any and every bit of 'life admin' around. Nobody to share it with, no the load not the burden and not the cost. I dont mind I prefer this life to what it could have been like with their father around and it is ultimately better this way but it does annoy me when someone with a partner who either helps with housework, finances or just a shoulder and ear around saying they are doing it alone for xyz amount of days/weeks. It is not the same.

Where do you draw the line though?

A parent in an abusive relationship who takes on 100% of care and mental load?

A parent not in a relationship but the other parent is active and engaged both physically, emotionally and financially?

A parent who chose to be a single adopter?

A widowed parent?

A parent who is not in a relationship and the other parent is not engaged but provides significant financial support?

I once had someone say to me (a single parent to 3 kids) that they didn't know how a friend coped solo parenting her 2 children while her husband worked away. I didn't say anything but I've never forgotten it.

Nothing wrong with that if she's used to having another parent to share the load with, and then she suddenly doesn't when he works away.

It's just a different situation.

Most families have different situations to deal with.

My cousin used to say she was "practically a single parent" as her DH worked away for 2 weeks at a time. His 6 figure salary paying all the bills, and being at the end of the phone made it a very different situation to me being an actual single parent who got no CM and whose ex saw the DC for a few hours a week unless something better came up.

Then they separated, he left the high losing job, and she realised how different life was as an actual single parent.

Well you could argue no parent is a single parent there are two parents who are variably present

I appreciate this is a me issue but solo parenting is a phrase that really annoys me. To my mind you are parenting your own child/ren. That said I sort of understand it if you have a partner working away for 2-3 weeks out of 4.
I say that as a parent to DD6 getting CMS from a father she sees a few hours every couple of weeks with involved grandparents. I'm not a lone parent but XH hasn't made it to 1 of 3 parents evenings etc etc so listening to friends describe an evening putting their 2 kids to bed as solo parenting stings.

And you think NEVER having anyone to share the load with is easier just because single parents are 'used to it'?

I doubt you'd find any single parents who agree with you.

I always thought that being a single parent meant that there was no other parent in the picture at all. These days people use it to mean that they are not in a relationship with the other parent, so they say they're a single parent even when they do in fact have an involved co-parent who sees the children, helps pay for the children, and who you can ring if the children have a health crisis. When people with such a co-parent describe themselves as a single parent, I think it downplays what it's like to truly parent alone.

But all she said was she didn't know how she coped?

She didn't say anything about 'NEVER' having anyone to share the load with etc.

It's not a competition or a race to the bottom.

Because when he is deployed for 4-6 months I am solo parenting. I am NOT saying that’s the same as being a single parent, of course it’s not (for all the financial and emotional reasons stated) but I am doing all the parental heavy lifting on my own for months on end, and sometimes there is a need to state that in a certain context (which will always be caveated with the fact I recognise it’s not the same as being a single parent, but it’s also very much not the same as most other coupled households).

Of course it isn't, but I do think it was a tactless comment to make to someone who has to 'cope' with parenting on their own 24/7, and that having a husband who works away is nothing like actually being a single parent.