How to deal with DH and alcohol

[idontknowwhattodo2026]

I don’t know how to deal with this or how bad it really is.
DH is caring and supportive and has a job etc.
but I think he is drinking too much, well I know he is. I don’t know how bad it is but I think it is really bad and I don’t know what to do.
he drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and a couple whiskies - weather he is working or not the next day. even if he’s early shift.
this is just us in the house. I rarely drink so he is drinking by himself.
he has a condition that affects his balance which is way way worse when he is drinking but he is in denial his drinking affects this of course.
the specialist recommended he cut down drinking on the chance it could affect his condition but he refused. Of course the specialist doesn’t even know how much he is drinking. I feel this aspect is particularly selfish as he currently can not even carry our toddler upstairs etc and if there is a chance his symptoms could improve surely he should take it and be able to do more with our LO?
he blames his falling or extra wobbliness on being tired and says the alcohol
does not affect him even if he has just drunk 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of whiskey and that is how much he will drink Soemtimes and Soemtimes on a regular evening. He just sits and drinks watching tv or on his phone until he falls asleep only getting up to fill up his glass etc.
he started at 3pm today and tomorrow he works 14 hours.
also when he is drinking he seems more angry and snappy and it’s more the looks he gives and his voice.
well he tells me he is not angry but that is how it feels to me, even our toddler has started saying he is angry. I feel sad for my LO that DH seems likes he can’t be bothered to engage or play a lot making excuses or saying he’s watching news he will do it after but then doesn’t most of he time.
LO rand out the room crying yesterday because DH really wasn’t paying attention and LO was just trying to engage a simple game between us all.

my older step kids have mentioned things a few times too but he just ignores these comments really.
DH smells everyday and gets offended when I tell him this (red wine breath) I tell him nicely so he knows he needs mouthwash etc and I’ve asked him does he really want to go to work like that. But also tell him because I want him to understand how bad it is.
when I talk to him about drinking he gets angry.
today he said we couldn’t afford stain remover ( his red wine got knocked over again last night by toddler which DH blamed me!)
so I suggested maybe no wine today so we can get the stain remover. Well
he did bring back stain removal, and also wine and a Bottle of whisky?! He is sat currently drinking beer but has wine and whisky for later.
he barely remembers anything in the evening yet blames it on being tired of course.
it just makes him a bit useless in the evenings. And then mornings. Well he puts off diy he lacks motivation for most things really. And on days off he is surfacing at 11/12 and missing so much time with LO.
he knows I leave the bedroom every night because his drinking makes his snoring bad and all makes the room smell and I struggle
to breath in it.

I don’t know what else I can say.
AIBU to not know what to do, or to want to ask someone to help me speak to him?
DH thinks I over worry and see issues where there’s none so he never listens to me.
ps I currently seeing psychologist and going threw diagnosis for autism and adhd after struggling mental health since childhood but that side of life is going ok but I do struggle knowing how to deal things, I am also very passive and mask a lot.
sorry for all the words if you’ve managed to read this far.
I suppose I'm reaching out for support and advice more than anything as I feel so alone in the situation sorry

That’s a very fair point. And I know I need to make this point clear to him too

And thank you

Hello, I haven't read all the replies here due to limited time, but I don't want to read and run. There is support available for families of alcoholics. It's easy for people to say 'leave him'. Life isn't that simple is it. If you want to try to help him, yes he needs to acknowledge he has a problem and he needs to want to stop. That is the first step as you know. Gently start introducing that to him,- that he is dependent on alcohol and how much it worries you. It will take a while to sink in with him. Please do not entertain discussion about "moderating" or cutting down. That isn't an option for anyone with alcohol use disorder. Stopping altogether is much less painful and a much better and easier option. "Moderation" simply keeps the addiction going.

However, he may need gradual withdrawal under doctor's advice because stopping suddenly can be dangerous and can cause seizures.

There are many other options out there as well as AA. Once you get him to a place he wants to stop then yes AA is an option but there are tonnes of other resources - the the Naked Mind (book and app), or SMART recovery. There also loads of books, podcasts etc available, to help you both.

It's a tough journey and it will not be linear. Only you can decide if you want to undertake it, but please remember you're not alone, lean on the support groups out there, they are easy to find with a quick Google or Facebook search. Good luck x

This is really dumb idea. And I'm sober over 6 years, never looked back.

I get where you're coming from in terms of, if he says he can't he's got an issue...but...

A LOT of alcoholics/problem drinkers will make it through a week or a month. Because that's all they have to do and then they can go right back to carrying on as usual. Or they'll be subtle and attempt to hide it better for that period, maybe they'll succeed in tricking you,maybe they won't.

But a short period of abstinence will prove precisely 0.

OP, if you want advice on how to work with your GP for an at home detox/rehab free on the NHS, just DM me and I'll drop over how you can access that and some pointers.

It gets on my pip reading comments like just leave etc. I mean it's not that easy with children, but in this instance I think you should either ask him to leave or try and sort other accommodation for you and your children. He's an alcoholic and he doesn't want to address the issue yet. You're going to have years of this terrible issue you should deal with it now to protect your children.

Wow! That is a VERY serious alcohol problem!

£140 a week is over £7000 a year so extremely selfish to deny his family this money.

As it's so bad, I think I would be asking him to choose between his family and alcohol. There is no point seeing if he can stop for a few weeks. He needs to stop and never drink again. The sooner you tell him this the better as this can't continue.

By dad's best mate was an alcoholic and died in his early 60s of liver failure. His wife found that his glass of water by his bedside table was actually vodka!! Hiding alcohol is very worrying.

This is terrifying as DH is 55.
his face is permanently red and I can see those capillary things on his face 😭

Get yourself to an al anon meeting. Even online if leaving the kids is tricky.
any attempts to try to convince an alcoholic they have a problem, or give ultimatums will bd fruitless. Someone in the depths of addiction can’t rationalise like a normal brain.
focus on yourself and the kids being well and detach with love and compassion but do detach. It won’t get better.
my dad died of alcoholism aged 60 and he didn’t drink as much as you used husband at that age.
sending love

Hi I have reached out for support.
I have realised how bad the spending has affected us over the years financially and it’s winding me up how much he has a go at me every time I spend on something - I spent £10 on duck food since I take LO to pond all the time and he was mad about that. he barely engages with LO. I know it’s the alcohol but I’ve had enough and I am going to end things tonight. I can’t live time this anymore and i basically solo parenting anyway. I still want him to get better and be more engaging for the kids but he needs to figure that out without me now. I will support still of course.
but this has been over 4 years now, since I was pregnant. And it’s wearing me down and I need to be better for my kid.
sorry for the rant.
wish me luck x

Good for you! Good luck x

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing especially for your children

Sending you my very best wishes OP… it will be difficult but you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and more importantly your LO… remember that and draw strength from it. Be prepared for emotional blackmail and perhaps even threats to harm himself ( common in alcoholics)…. Stand strong; he is a grown man and you are not obligated to tolerate unacceptable behaviour over and over because he’s your LOs dad… they deserve better than him and so do you 💐

I hope it goes well for you. And I hope he makes the right decision and gets help for his addiction.

Hopefully this is the wake up call he needs.

You’re doing absolutely the right thing OP. I have been where you are.

Thanks all. X

You do need to go, it’s not going to get better and you, and importantly your children deserve better than this, you have a choice, they do not. Living with an alcoholic father is brutal and will have a lasting effect.

its sad it is you who has to take action, but he is not going to. Probably right now he can’t. And is unwilling to he is in the grip of addiction and it’s so bad he’d rather spend a tenner on booze than duck food so the kids can feed the ducks. That’s low. And you say his appearance is suffering, so he likely has cirrhosis of the liver. There is no way to drink as much as he does and not have it.

You can’t fix it. You can’t make him stop drinking. But you can protect you and your children and not make you all live with this. And right now, that’s your only option. He’s left you none other.

Sorry OP, he has a serious problem and only he can help himself. I would be making plans to leave unless he gets himself some treatment. I stopped drinking last year after I realised my binging had got out of hand I know its not easy but I am a million times happier now and a much better parent and partner

I so I told him everything and he had been really nice a couple and hasn’t had a drink for 3 days and he’s now getting frustrated that I’m still not ok. He says he has stopped drinking so it shows he doesn’t have a problem, and that he’s making an effort and racially don’t understand why things haven’t gone back to normal overnight. I said maybe if he goes to AA that maybe they can help him understand the impact over the last few years. He says he doesn’t need to, that he doesn’t have a problem , and that maybe I’m overthinking and obsessing about it because I have OCD or on the spectrum. He says I need to speak to my GO and adjust my media because he noticed I seem really down.
he also keeps asking who it is every time my phone buzzes when it’s mostly just a random notification or my family.
he’s gone from ignoring me to something me and finding everything wrong with me because it is not possible he has a problem…
anyway is this just a stage? How many stages should I expect? I’m worried we will just keep going threw cycles and it will all come back to me :(

3 days is nothing and if he was drinking that much , Ie 1/2 a bottle + a day of spirits and then stops I’m amazed he hasn’t the shakes - which prob means he is still drinking

dh sound a lot like my dh - or now my ex dh

Similar drinking tho vodka and an argumentative arse when drinks

it took me a while but I had enough just over 2yrs ago and said no more

this was mainly for dd 6. She deserved better and a dad who was there and sober and not shouting and drunk

I tried to be supportive as he started aa a yes he was sober maybe a few month's but it didn’t last and carried on drinking. Lying. Me begging him to stop

your dh is an alcoholic and only he can stop drinking and has to do it for him self

come and join us here. We all know what you are going through

and yes 2yrs later I’m happier. Dd is happier. Says our house is a happy house and no shouting

dh or very soon to be ex as in last few weeks of divorce - still drinks. Drinks even more if possible as now no one there to nag him or he can drink at 9am if wants to

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5

Good call @Penguinsandspaniels🥰

Thank you I will head over now thanks x