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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with DH and alcohol

47 replies

idontknowwhattodo2026 · 22/02/2026 16:39

I don’t know how to deal with this or how bad it really is.
DH is caring and supportive and has a job etc.
but I think he is drinking too much, well I know he is. I don’t know how bad it is but I think it is really bad and I don’t know what to do.
he drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and a couple whiskies - weather he is working or not the next day. even if he’s early shift.
this is just us in the house. I rarely drink so he is drinking by himself.
he has a condition that affects his balance which is way way worse when he is drinking but he is in denial his drinking affects this of course.
the specialist recommended he cut down drinking on the chance it could affect his condition but he refused. Of course the specialist doesn’t even know how much he is drinking. I feel this aspect is particularly selfish as he currently can not even carry our toddler upstairs etc and if there is a chance his symptoms could improve surely he should take it and be able to do more with our LO?
he blames his falling or extra wobbliness on being tired and says the alcohol
does not affect him even if he has just drunk 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of whiskey and that is how much he will drink Soemtimes and Soemtimes on a regular evening. He just sits and drinks watching tv or on his phone until he falls asleep only getting up to fill up his glass etc.
he started at 3pm today and tomorrow he works 14 hours.
also when he is drinking he seems more angry and snappy and it’s more the looks he gives and his voice.
well he tells me he is not angry but that is how it feels to me, even our toddler has started saying he is angry. I feel sad for my LO that DH seems likes he can’t be bothered to engage or play a lot making excuses or saying he’s watching news he will do it after but then doesn’t most of he time.
LO rand out the room crying yesterday because DH really wasn’t paying attention and LO was just trying to engage a simple game between us all.

my older step kids have mentioned things a few times too but he just ignores these comments really.
DH smells everyday and gets offended when I tell him this (red wine breath) I tell him nicely so he knows he needs mouthwash etc and I’ve asked him does he really want to go to work like that. But also tell him because I want him to understand how bad it is.
when I talk to him about drinking he gets angry.
today he said we couldn’t afford stain remover ( his red wine got knocked over again last night by toddler which DH blamed me!)
so I suggested maybe no wine today so we can get the stain remover. Well
he did bring back stain removal, and also wine and a Bottle of whisky?! He is sat currently drinking beer but has wine and whisky for later.
he barely remembers anything in the evening yet blames it on being tired of course.
it just makes him a bit useless in the evenings. And then mornings. Well he puts off diy he lacks motivation for most things really. And on days off he is surfacing at 11/12 and missing so much time with LO.
he knows I leave the bedroom every night because his drinking makes his snoring bad and all makes the room smell and I struggle
to breath in it.

I don’t know what else I can say.
AIBU to not know what to do, or to want to ask someone to help me speak to him?
DH thinks I over worry and see issues where there’s none so he never listens to me.
ps I currently seeing psychologist and going threw diagnosis for autism and adhd after struggling mental health since childhood but that side of life is going ok but I do struggle knowing how to deal things, I am also very passive and mask a lot.
sorry for all the words if you’ve managed to read this far.
I suppose I'm reaching out for support and advice more than anything as I feel so alone in the situation sorry

OP posts:
MissJoGrant · 22/02/2026 16:43

Does he drive to work? If he leaves at 8am he'll be over the limit for sure.

Abd80 · 22/02/2026 16:43

I would issue an ultimatum -either he immediately gets booked into a detox programme or you and your child will leave. Your child deserves to grow up in a home free of alcoholism.
sounds like you’re already single mothering anyway

MammaBear1 · 22/02/2026 16:46

Please tell me his doesn’t drive to work in the mornings. He will almost certainly be over the limit.

He does seem to have a problem with alcohol. He will know this himself but won’t want to admit it and, until/unless he does, you won’t be able to do anything.

Put yourself and children first even if that means you need to leave.

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2026 16:57

Your husband is an alcoholic in denial which is the worselt kind.

An ultimatum wont work; he has to want to beat it and he doesnt.

You have two choices; do you carry on as is with him as he is and your children seeing that thinking its acceptable?

Or leave him.

Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 22/02/2026 19:07

Hello thank you for your replies.
yes to answer some of your questions he does drive to work. I thought maybe I could buy a breathalyser to test him in the morning so he has the chance to prove to me he is safe to drive.
i am scared to make a change as i really don’t know how to go about it. I know things can’t carry on like this and the children deserve better. I keep thinking i can get him to see sense. I think he maybe doesn’t take me seriously but if I could get him to really listen then maybe he can make the effort to change?

OP posts:
HopefullyOneRandomDay · 22/02/2026 19:10

Definitely get a breathalyser. They are around £50 in Halfords

cestlavielife · 22/02/2026 19:14

You cannot make him see sense.
You have to leave.
Then he may or may not seek help.
Stop finding ways to enable him to continue. (Eg mouthwash to cover it up) Put you and dc first. Go speak to your gp for support for you

CookingFatCat · 22/02/2026 19:25

You can’t change him or help him, because he doesn’t see he has a problem.
Your only option is to leave, before a catastrophic accident involving your DC because he is drunk.

Don’t bother with a breathalyser, just call the police and report him for drunk driving before he kills somebody .

GreyfriarsJobbies · 22/02/2026 19:29

That really is awful. It annoys me when people breezily say 'Oh just leave' (to where? And live on what?), but...if he refuses to recognise how problematic his drinking is or to get help then you do need to start plotting how you can make it happen. Sooner or later he's bound to get done for drink driving which will make a bad situation even worse. He either changes or you leave, there's no other way.

todayisagreatday · 22/02/2026 19:54

I’m so sorry I have been there. There isn’t anything you can do about it unfortunately, your husband is unwell and until he decides to help himself he won’t stop. I stayed and my husband stopped drinking eventually but I was young and put up with a lot. I would leave now otherwise you will spend years of your life like this and it’s awful. I wish you all the best I know how difficult it is.

Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 24/02/2026 17:41

Hello thank you for your replies.
and sorry I have taken so long to reply.
this morning I told DH you smell of whisky I hope you are not driving to work.
he decided to walk, just before he left I said “I think you have a problem”. He was super shocked and I told him that he is in denial about how much alcohol he drinks and buys.
he was just silent and then said good bye and left.
I have never explicitly told him he needs help and is in denial.
I realised I will have to be more blunt with him.
mum nervous about what he will say tonight I think he will try to minimise it but I won’t let it go

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 24/02/2026 18:35

idontknowwhattodo2026 · 24/02/2026 17:41

Hello thank you for your replies.
and sorry I have taken so long to reply.
this morning I told DH you smell of whisky I hope you are not driving to work.
he decided to walk, just before he left I said “I think you have a problem”. He was super shocked and I told him that he is in denial about how much alcohol he drinks and buys.
he was just silent and then said good bye and left.
I have never explicitly told him he needs help and is in denial.
I realised I will have to be more blunt with him.
mum nervous about what he will say tonight I think he will try to minimise it but I won’t let it go

he's an adult, he isnt stupid; he may be in denial but no matter what you say or do; until he admits he has a problem and decides it needs to be tackled, then he wont do anything about it.

You cant control how he acts, , All you can do is decide your reaction to his action. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

What are you willing to put up with, and what will you not tolerate?

Dont make ultimatums; they won't work. Setting him up to fail and all that will happen is youll resent him. You cant say - if you drink I'll leave, or if you dont get treatment I'll leave; you cant control how he acts. You have to decide what you will tolerate. Are you willing to support him if he seeks help, are you willing to rid the house of all triggers, are you willing to stop socialising whilst he is in treatment; that kind of thing. Or are you done? Only you knows.

In all honesty; how blunt you are with him wont ultimately be the reason he gets help and makes a change. No amount of being told will make him decide; he has to come to the realisation himself.

Ponderingwindow · 24/02/2026 18:40

Your husband is an alcoholic.

Your child is learning to be responsible for someone else’s mood and behavior. Think about how damaging that is. Think about what kind of relationship problems that will cause as an adult.

The only thing you can do is get your child out of this situation. If your husband gets clean, you can reconcile. If he is a good man, he will thank you for taking care of yourself and your shared child when he could not.

Weeallthewayhome · 24/02/2026 18:50

You told him he has a problem. He may have been shocked. He might be astonished by his wrong you are. Most alcoholics are in such denial they cannot see what others do.

But you can’t make this about him. You cannot make your life contingent on making him see sense.

Take responsibility for your life and the other childrens’. Or your child may grow up and remove themselves from your life because you did not take action.

What that looks like is up to you.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 24/02/2026 19:46

Leave him OP. Hes an alcoholic and it will affect your child.

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 24/02/2026 19:49

idontknowwhattodo2026 · 24/02/2026 17:41

Hello thank you for your replies.
and sorry I have taken so long to reply.
this morning I told DH you smell of whisky I hope you are not driving to work.
he decided to walk, just before he left I said “I think you have a problem”. He was super shocked and I told him that he is in denial about how much alcohol he drinks and buys.
he was just silent and then said good bye and left.
I have never explicitly told him he needs help and is in denial.
I realised I will have to be more blunt with him.
mum nervous about what he will say tonight I think he will try to minimise it but I won’t let it go

Well done for being straight with him. I can tell that took courage. I stopped drinking after my husband brought my alcohol up with me. I hope yours has done the same…. though being honest he sounds much worse than I was.

Has he returned and spoken to you yet?

SunnyRedSnail · 24/02/2026 19:52

idontknowwhattodo2026 · 24/02/2026 17:41

Hello thank you for your replies.
and sorry I have taken so long to reply.
this morning I told DH you smell of whisky I hope you are not driving to work.
he decided to walk, just before he left I said “I think you have a problem”. He was super shocked and I told him that he is in denial about how much alcohol he drinks and buys.
he was just silent and then said good bye and left.
I have never explicitly told him he needs help and is in denial.
I realised I will have to be more blunt with him.
mum nervous about what he will say tonight I think he will try to minimise it but I won’t let it go

Good luck tonight!

Being direct now is important. He is an alcoholic.

If he denies being an alcoholic then tell him to prove it and have no alcohol for a week/month.

Just think of the money if nothing else. A bottle of wine a night plus whiskey must be costing him £60+ a week so over £3000 a year. Much more if he has expensive taste. That's a family holiday.

ScarlettSarah · 24/02/2026 20:18

Either he sobers up or you make a plan to divorce. Alcoholics cannot be decent parents. It's not your fault, but someone needs to protect your dc from this. I'm so sorry - this all sounds really hard. My DSD's birth mother was an alcoholic and DH's big regret is not leaving her earlier. She did quite some damage to DSD.

Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 11:55

SunnyRedSnail · 24/02/2026 19:52

Good luck tonight!

Being direct now is important. He is an alcoholic.

If he denies being an alcoholic then tell him to prove it and have no alcohol for a week/month.

Just think of the money if nothing else. A bottle of wine a night plus whiskey must be costing him £60+ a week so over £3000 a year. Much more if he has expensive taste. That's a family holiday.

Show quote history

In recent times it’s actually more! At minimum a half bottle of whisky a night - it’s. £30 bottle so that’s £15 a night. Some nights also a bottle of wine or a bottle and a half (he buys a box of wine that equates to a bottles of wine). Not sure how much the box is but the wine is usually £6.50. So it varies from £15 to almost £25 per night. So even a ln average £20 a night is £140 a week and I’m just realised how insane and wrong and selfish that is when he is saying we can afford certain things!
his shift patter has just changed which mean some weeks he’s only working 2 day a week, sometimes 5, but his with him even get three a half bottle of whisky on a work night it’s just getting so expensive. If there’s sport on a day off he will start much earlier. What we time the game starts and throw in some beer too. Soemtimes a drink he doesn’t even like but just because we got it as a gift.
its gotten worse since I first noticed, when I first noticed it was just wine, bits whisky every night is crazy and worrying.
worrying for his health and also for the kids - one of whom thinks he has never seen dad drunk?!!! The reality is he is drunk every night but claims it’s just tiredness.
I have seen him tired a not drinking so I know the difference. He pains nothing bothers him and he doesn’t need alcohol he just likes ot to wind down after a stressful day so he is contracting himself but essentially all his days are shit enough he needs it every day?!
i am will to stick with him as long as he is willing to to try and deal with the issue, and admit he has a problem.
He was working late last night but I see this morning he had another half bottle of whisky which by the way I could not find last night so he is hiding it from me. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 11:57

ScarlettSarah · 24/02/2026 20:18

Either he sobers up or you make a plan to divorce. Alcoholics cannot be decent parents. It's not your fault, but someone needs to protect your dc from this. I'm so sorry - this all sounds really hard. My DSD's birth mother was an alcoholic and DH's big regret is not leaving her earlier. She did quite some damage to DSD.

i will as a pp suggested tell him to prove he doesn’t have a problem and I realise I need to consider the kids fist of all. This is not healthy for them.
I haven’t told any friends or family but if he didn’t agree to give up alcohol I think I will
need to reach out further

OP posts:
adlitem · 25/02/2026 11:58

You husband is an alcoholic. I don't think there's an doubt there.

It sounds like he is also causing your family financial hardship and putting himself and others in danger. If you are honest with yourself, is he sometimes in a position to put your kids in danger? I would suspect yes.

The question to you therefore is will you protect your children from growing up in this situation? I know what my answer would be....

Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 12:00

GoldenCupsatHarvestTime · 24/02/2026 19:49

Well done for being straight with him. I can tell that took courage. I stopped drinking after my husband brought my alcohol up with me. I hope yours has done the same…. though being honest he sounds much worse than I was.

Has he returned and spoken to you yet?

Show quote history

I really hope he listens. He came home last night late - I was in bed but I see he drank a half bottle of whisky so I need to keep at him until he listens or something else changes.
I hate conflict and I never complain to anyone or about anything, I am so passive and agreeable but I can’t be like that anymore so this is all very new and overwhelming for me but I need to think of the kids. I want them to have a healthy present father as much as possible. I know it is an unhealthy addiction and he needs to realise that.

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 12:03

adlitem · 25/02/2026 11:58

You husband is an alcoholic. I don't think there's an doubt there.

It sounds like he is also causing your family financial hardship and putting himself and others in danger. If you are honest with yourself, is he sometimes in a position to put your kids in danger? I would suspect yes.

The question to you therefore is will you protect your children from growing up in this situation? I know what my answer would be....

I am realising this more now more than ever. If he is willing to can he and work on himself I will support him.
maueb his mental health is suffering and he doesn’t realise it, but to drink by yourself like that every evening tells me you are not fully happy deep down, or something along those lines. I am willing to support him threw it because I have suffered with my mental health and used food in the past.
but I understand if he is not willing to change there is nothing else I can do. This is all getting very scary

OP posts:
adlitem · 25/02/2026 12:05

idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 12:03

I am realising this more now more than ever. If he is willing to can he and work on himself I will support him.
maueb his mental health is suffering and he doesn’t realise it, but to drink by yourself like that every evening tells me you are not fully happy deep down, or something along those lines. I am willing to support him threw it because I have suffered with my mental health and used food in the past.
but I understand if he is not willing to change there is nothing else I can do. This is all getting very scary

Show quote history

It is scary and I wish you luck and strength.

But don't let your sympathy for him be at the cost of your children's' wellbeing.

Original poster
idontknowwhattodo2026 · 25/02/2026 12:06

Btw thank you for everyone taking the time to reply, even if I haven’t replied to everyone directly my replies include everyone.
I am now released the level of seriousness this is and how bad it is for the children, it’s is getting scary and I never thought I would be in this situation.

OP posts: