To want to cut off a friend because I’m tired of being treated badly whenever she’s “going through things?”

[ThisCosyBrickHiker]

I have a friend who can be very supportive and kind when things are calm. However, when she’s stressed or something is going on in her life (which she doesn’t explain, I’m just assuming), she withdraws completely. No communication, no heads up, doesn’t turn up to plans arranged previously and doesn’t let me know, just silence.

This has happened more than once. When we eventually reconnect, she’s apologetic and emotional about not being around. Says she won’t do it again but the pattern repeats.

I’m at the point where I feel like I’m collateral damage whenever she’s under pressure. I don’t think it’s malicious but it’s exhausting.

AIBU to think that if someone can’t communicate under stress, that’s enough reason to step away?

You have a friend who deals with shit in her life by not wishing to share her problems, but rather hunker down and get through it.
And you don’t like it and want to end the friendship?

Do her a favour @ThisCosyBrickHiker and end the friendship.

You can step away from ANYONE for any reason. You dont need permission. Your boundaries change throughout your life and what you might tolerate in January you might not in June. That tolerance changes because you go through different phases of your life.

If you decide their behavior isnt behavior you want to tolerate; you step away. You dont need to check "its ok" - its ok. Step away.

doesn’t turn up to plans arranged previously and doesn’t let me know, just silence.

I think OP is talking about the silence... not the self sufficiency

When she’s off in her silences she doesn’t care what you might have going on in your life and might want support for. It’s selfish and not being a good friend. Back away.

The silence is a part of the self sufficiency

how often does this even happen?

I'm going through some horrible things right now and am only really communicating with my Mum because I'm depressed as fuck and just don't have the mental energy for anything or anyone. Not everyone relies on friends in bad times, some of us just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean we don't care.

I would personally stick with it if she was a good friend at all other times.

When she drops off the radar I would send a message to say "sorry you couldn't make it today, let me know when you are able to catch-up" and leave it at that.

However, I wouldn't make plans with her that were expensive or would cause inconvenience if she didn't turn up. So definitely no holidays or weekends away, and if you arranged to go to a gig or theatre show, she would be the one paying for it, I would reimburse my share on the night if the event took place.

You can be a good friend and lay down boundaries to protect yourself at the same time.

I'm not sure that I could be bothered with a person that did that to me multiple times. It would be very hard to take their promises of not doing so again seriously.

I think there are more reliable people out there. I'd maybe keep a friend like this as part of a friendship group but I'd dial back on making one to one plans or relying on them for anything.

If you've got plans with someone and you don't show up and don't let them know, that's just rude. Nothing to do with "self-sufficiency", it's just treating friends like shit.

Well, you know the pattern. You enjoy her company when she’s ok, you know why she withdraws. She doesn’t impose her troubles on you.

It does not seem to me that you’re collateral damage in any way.

Depends how often this has happened

If often - then what is going on in your friends life for them to have so much shit going on @ThisCosyBrickHiker ?!

Personally I would end it.
Not turning up would be the end for me.

You’ve obviously really tried with her and been understanding, and all she had to do was send you a short message.

Withdrawing when you're having a tough time: fair enough, many of us do it.

Repeatedly no-showing at prearranged meet-ups, without letting you know: not acceptable, whatever's going on in your life.

Even a one line text to say "can't make it, sorry" would be enough.

Surprised one of the commenters in the thread seems to think this behaviour is OK and actually a sign of self-sufficiency.

@ThisCosyBrickHiker doesn’t clarify how often this actually happens

Is your friend going through multiple times of shit?

You're not collateral damage. She's having a difficult time and dealing it with it badly, but probably as well as she can manage.

You've two options, either stop making arrangements entirely or only arrange things where it doesn't go ahead if she doesn't confirm on the day.

Don't overthink it. Modern friendships are much higher pressure than decades ago, just dial the pressure down on both sides.

Obviously it's rude to not turn up to things you've planned together.

But her withdrawing when she's going through tough times isn't treating you badly, it's her focusing her energy in the way she needs to in order to cope with whatever she's dealing with.

Are you always so needy?

Agreed. I wouldn't want a friendship like this.

More times than a one-off is rude and unacceptable.

Agree.

Silence is fine, standing me up without notice is absolutely not. I’d forgive that once and then I’d never organise anything with you again.

Not turning up is not on. I note that you say she is usually a 'supportive' friend - does that mean she listens to your problems and helps you when you need it? But she doesn't tell you her problems because her style is different. Maybe putting up with her withdrawal is a way of YOU being supportive to HER? Maybe she can't deal with your problems when she's not feeling great herself? That doesn't excuse leaving you waiting for prearranged plans but it might be worth looking at how good a friend YOU are?

It honestly doesn't matter. You can't do this multiple times to friends and expect them to stick around. Going quiet is one thing but not turning up to prearranged plans several times is not on at all, doesn't matter the reason.

The making plans and just not showing up without a word would really piss me off. You don’t have to put up with that. To let you know she’s unable to make it is just common courtesy regardless of what she is going through. To say nothing is telling you that she is more important than you. It’s selfish plain and simple.

You can step away from any friendship at any point for any reason. If it’s not working for you, it’s not working.

The standing you up is crossing the line. I'd probably fade out the friendship and block her the next time it happens.