Irritated with my parents since having baby

[Humptydumpty26]

I have really been struggling with my parents particularly my mother since becoming pregnant and having my baby 6 months ago.
While I was pregnant I found myself reflecting on my childhood and teenage years. My parents were by no means “bad’’ but I found myself thinking of the bad things and how I could never do the same to my daughter.

My father was/is a very old fashioned, controlling person. Made us go to mass every week and go to confessions. I am the oldest child and was very anxious when I was younger. He forced me to read at church when I was 12 years old even though I was physically sick having to speak publicly. My mother knew I would be sick and still made me go. I have never forgotten the feeling of standing up there my voice trembling with anxiety.
I used to bite my fingers raw with anxiety as a child but my parents never noticed.

He used to follow me places as a teenager. He would sulk for days if something annoyed him. Sitting in his chair and not talking to anyone. My mother let him do this. He would shout and roar and get very angry and say children should be seen and not heard.

I was given no life advice, my mother never taught us how to cook, clean, look after ourselves. We were always in the way.
She handed me a pack of pads and said you might have heard about this in school. Never mentioned it again. It was a number of years after this that I got my first period. I had to steal sanitary products from her. She obviously knew but never mentioned it. I was too embarrassed to put used items in the bin and used to bring them to public loos.
I look back now and think I will never do this to my daughter..let her bleed through her school uniform..
She used to go through my stuff as a teenager so she must have known. She also has violated my privacy in my own home in recent years.

I understand people have far, far worse experiences but I am so conflicted as they so generous with money and always gifing us even though I don’t want it.

I am not close to them and since having my baby my mother has become obsessed. Yes she is the first grandchild but she is so over the top. Counting the days between visits, saying she looks at her photos every night. Saying how much she loves her. (I have never been told this by my parents or said it to them) It makes me really uncomfortable and I don’t want to be around them.
When they visit they can’t focus on anything other than the baby. They act as though they never saw a baby in their lives and everything is so amazing which grates on me. I don’t know what to do to make things better. Is it a hormonal thing since having my baby? I am still BF or is it a sign of depression?

I feel guilty they don’t see her enough but I find being in their company really hard. I don’t want to taint their experience with their first grandchild but I am in bad form when I am with them. I’m sure they just think I am tired

No idea why you feel you have to have a relationship with them. They sound awful. Funny how some parents are the height of great grandparents but ruddy awful parents. Or is it the minute the dc develop a personality, they can’t cope? Seen this in a family I know, controlling, shouty dad who wouldn’t speak for weeks if the mum or dc annoyed him. The dc all have really poor mh, the mum is still with him, now 90 or so.

Could it be your mother was dominated by your father and scared of him and carries a huge amount of guilt about your childhood, and that in some way is trying to make up for it or do better this time by doting on your daughter.

Mine were like this (and also physically abusive). Your comment on periods rang a bell - my mother gave me the Ladybird book about Your Body and expected me to work it out for myself from that. I had similar feelings about mine when I had my children. Nothing worries me more than sounding like my mother...

I think it is normal to have feelings like this if you didn't have a good childhood so its not necessarily something to worry about. However they do sound full on - take a step back as and when you need to - you couldn't do that as a child but now you are an adult you can certainly have your own boundaries and maintain them.

I would say though that you might want to see your GP to explain how you are feeling - they might think it worth a referral for some CBT to work through your feelings.

I had the same experience with my family when my first child was born. I just had the instinct to protect DC from them even though I don't have any memories of classic 'trauma', just general memories of feeling very anxious but not daring to tell anyone for fear of upsetting them (mum dismissive, dad prone to sulking). The narrative your parents have of your childhood likely isn't the same as the one you have and they have an image of themselves as the perfect grandparents. You're entitled to decide what kind of relationship you want with them now and on what terms and it's not your responsibility to provide them the opportunity to perform the grandparent role unless you want that.

Even if that's the case, the mum should express that openly to her daughter and apologise for the hurt caused before she can expect to be embraced as the perfect grandma

nah fuck that they were abusive & neglectful parents. I would not allow them around myself let alone my child.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I can hear the hurt in what you wrote. You see them fussing over your baby, your mother talking about how much she loves her, and you're wondering just where the hell was all this care and nurture for you when you were a baby and a young child. That's totally understandable

I notice you minimise their behaviour a lot in your post, saying that other people had it much worse. I agree with other posters that your parents sound absolutely truly awful - neglectful, abusive, cold, harsh, judgemental and way too hard on you. You have an enormous amount of healing to do as part of your recovery from a childhood like that. Becoming a mother may be the start of that journey for you

I cannot recommend psychotherapy enough, psychodynamic therapy specifically. I can relate to a lot of your post, and therapy has been invaluable in finding my way back to myself and understanding the impact my parents behaviour has had on me. It's a long painful process but the best thing I've ever done for myself

Go very gently with yourself and allow yourself to have your feelings, however uncomfortable and painful they may be x

Your parents were bad… your father was emotionally and verbally abusive and your mother neglected your needs. It’s ok to admit that your parents were not good at parenting.

Just because other people are abused worse doesn’t mean you can’t be angry at your parents for being crap parents. Your experience isn’t normal or average. Your childhood was damaged by them and you are now seeing it through a parental lens.

And seriously, why do you care about ‘tainting their experience with her’?? They didn’t care about tainting your experiences as a child!

I had similar feelings when my DC was born. As they've got older I've developed a lot more empathy for my parents and realised they did the best they could/knew how. It was probably helped by them also acknowledging their mistakes and apologising.

Your father was abusive and your mother was his enabler. No wonder you don't want them around you and your baby.

Don't feel guilty, the guilt and shame should be theirs. If you don't want to see them or let them have contact with your baby, that is your prerogative. Don't let them spoil your enjoyment of being a new mother. They gave you a dreadful childhood so aren't entitled to your love or your time.

Do noy feel bad or worry about tainting their experience.
They were abusive. Why would you want your child around that?
If they complain they don't see their grandchildren enough you should remind them of what you have wrote here - that's why you don't want to see them too often.

From the examples you’ve given they absolutely sound abusive and neglectful even though you do sound like you’re trying to minimise the impact of this in your OP. I don’t blame you at all for having these feelings now they’re suddenly acting like your child is the second coming, I’m surprised as an adult you have a relationship with them at all given the state of your upbringing, gifts or no gifts.

What they all said.

Similar happened to me, especially the bit about expressions of love for the baby when they’ve never said it to you (and, for me, even after asking her to say it as an adult).

It hurts, and you’re not alone.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. It is a relief to know it’s not all in my head.

It was not easy to write all of that and it is only a snippet. I feel like I have just picked out the bad points but those things really wounded me and have stuck with me. They provided food, clothes, a home but nothing in terms of emotional support. I really struggle with my emotions to this day and bottle everything up. I really don’t want to turn out like them. All our conversations are superficial. I have never had an adult conversation with them and would never ask them for advice. I keep them on an information diet.

Now I have my DD they want to see her more than I want to see them but I still feel guilty. I guess I feel responsible for their emotional needs.

@Imanautumn I don’t believe my mother was scared of my father but she is a very passive person. She would just say “oh you know what he’s like”. She does everything for him. He can’t even cook a meal for himself. Never mind turn on the washing machine. (Both parents in early 60’s)

@Londonmummy66 I stuggle to set boundaries with them. I sometimes feel like a child around them and currently responsible for their happiness in terms of letting them see my DD to keep them happy.

@Lottapianos thanks a mill. I am going to start some therapy as my head is a mess. The resentment towards them is eating away at me.

@JLou08 I know they think they done the best they could but those stories I shared really wasn’t the best they could. I think my father can’t handle his emotions and this has had a very negative effect on me. My mother let him treat us that way even though it was obviously wrong. So I think I resent her for being weak.

I think your parents sound abusive 😕 you describe feeling anxious a lot in your childhood and it's not surprising that you still feel unsafe around them. They were not loving parents, they were cruel and emotional neglectful.

Becoming a parent yourself often brings up feelings from your past and make you question how you were parented and how you want to parent yourself. If I were you, I would think about having some counselling - to help you come to terms with the past and help you set boundaries with your parents now.

I’m your parents age, and things weren’t so different then that there’s any excuse for how they treated you. Unfortunately it all sounded very familiar to me.

My mother has never told me she loves me, and has abused me my whole life until I went NC with her. When I had my DD, it felt like she was trying to show me how she could have been a fabulous parent, if only I hadn’t been so horrible and unloveable.

You need to come to your own conclusions but having no contact with my mother is the best thing I ever did for myself. 💐

I’m 15 months postpartum and I can’t even begin to tell you how much my parents behaviour has been in my thoughts. The most random memories from childhood that I haven’t thought of in years - or at all. I feel so angry and annoyed at them but they have contact with my child and my mum is the same - obsessed with her - everything’s incredible etc.

I think it’s quite common.

I tried to confront them and it was a massive epic disaster so for my sanity I keep things light and see them when it suits ME. What’s done is done and I focus on my child but it’s so odd some days I’m raging at them in my head?!

Do what’s right for you and your family

Op - look into FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt. It would explain some of your responses and would help you in how you act going forward to protect yourself.

My feelings chime with what so many have said on here. My father is an emotionally distant misogynistic bully TBH and my mother has always been completely in thrall to him.

He was always negative about me, I can’t really recall him being nice to me. Neutral is as good as it got. My mother never once stood up for me.

I was adopted and when I had my first child my mother was an obsessive nightmare. She was unable to have her own children which was a huge source of grief to her which was always clear

They are both now well into their 80s and I really have to force myself to spend any time with them. If I never had to see either of them again I would be glad. I do feel guilty about that

OP, it's simple.....
First, you must stop accepting money from them. If they make bank transfers, just transfer it back. Don't accept cash.

Do not be beholden in any way.
Don't allow them unsupervised time in your house, so they can't "violate your privacy".
Keep their visits to a minimum, or meet at neutral venues, and only when convenient to you.
Don't answer the phone every time they call.
Good luck!

And to add, OP, you are absolutely not responsible for your parents' happiness!

Your parents sound exactly like my parents and the patterns also line up. Only my mother was your mother and father combined into one, and my father was an enabling coward.

For my entire life, I was only ever shamed, criticized, picked apart, and put down. Nothing was ever good enough. My mother had enpredictable mood swings. I mean, I could go on forever.

When I was in my 20s, I barely saw them but kept things most cordial and they were the same. Sure enough, when my DD came along, my mother was just like yours, and let me tell you, it only got worse. They started demanding and expectating to get together constantly, and it only ever escalated. No amount of time was ever enough. Even though we didn't spend this kind of time together before my daughter was born, they felt that they now had a right to be over every single weekend, be included in every special event, the list goes on. I was endlessly trying to manage their demands while maintaining some things just for my husband and child. It was destroying my life. ANd of course, every visit with them was sheer hell for me.

My mother would gaze at my daughter for hours, drag out every goodbye for 45 minutes, have special nicknames for her, and claim if I ever died (?) she was sure she could just get custody of my DD off my husband. (Um, NO.) She had to constantly have her picture taken with my daughter but would never take one of my DD with me or my husband. We have so few photos of us with our daughter when she was little but literally hundreds of photos with my mother and daughter. As time went on, it only got much, much worse. They ruined every one of my daughter's birthdays, they completely hijacked every Christmas, and they broke every single parenting boundary that we ever set. They forced themselves onto every special school event or dance recital and literally ruined every single one because of their need to be the center of attention to my daughter. They spoiled her with material items in shocking way, also with constant junk food and sweets. (A sharp contrast in every way to how they raised me.) If we asked them to respect the smallest boundary or told them that we were not available when they wanted to see her, my mother would sulk for hours and my father would have to do her bidding, pushing and pushing until I caved to their demands. You could never tell these people how you felt. My mother was the only person in that household whose feelings mattered. And it didn't matter that I was married with my own family. They treated me like they still owned me, and I was always still "punished" for simply say, saying my husband and I were going to the school event alone....

When my daughter turned 9 I realized that half her childhood was gone and that I had let my sick, cruel mother steal it from me. For that and endless other reasons about how they treated me, I went NC. Best decision ever. My biggest regret is not doing it sooner. I can never have those years or moments back.

GET OUT NOW.

I will also note this...as my daughter got older, she was uncomfortable around my mother. My mother's obsession with her was so OTT that my daughter picked up on it. She was relieved when she no longer had to see them.

OP, I must add the bit about the money. This happened with me too. They would gift us large sums of money or set up an account for my DD even though we told them not to.

It is ALL part of the playbook. It is used to control you and to push back in your face later if you try to set a boundary or call them out on their bad behavior.

@Donttellempike - please don't feel guilty about thinking you'd like to never see them again. I have just spent 4 days with mine due to a care crisis and all I could think was how much I hated every single second of it and how much better it would be if I could cut them loose.