I have really been struggling with my parents particularly my mother since becoming pregnant and having my baby 6 months ago.
While I was pregnant I found myself reflecting on my childhood and teenage years. My parents were by no means “bad’’ but I found myself thinking of the bad things and how I could never do the same to my daughter.
My father was/is a very old fashioned, controlling person. Made us go to mass every week and go to confessions. I am the oldest child and was very anxious when I was younger. He forced me to read at church when I was 12 years old even though I was physically sick having to speak publicly. My mother knew I would be sick and still made me go. I have never forgotten the feeling of standing up there my voice trembling with anxiety.
I used to bite my fingers raw with anxiety as a child but my parents never noticed.
He used to follow me places as a teenager. He would sulk for days if something annoyed him. Sitting in his chair and not talking to anyone. My mother let him do this. He would shout and roar and get very angry and say children should be seen and not heard.
I was given no life advice, my mother never taught us how to cook, clean, look after ourselves. We were always in the way.
She handed me a pack of pads and said you might have heard about this in school. Never mentioned it again. It was a number of years after this that I got my first period. I had to steal sanitary products from her. She obviously knew but never mentioned it. I was too embarrassed to put used items in the bin and used to bring them to public loos.
I look back now and think I will never do this to my daughter..let her bleed through her school uniform..
She used to go through my stuff as a teenager so she must have known. She also has violated my privacy in my own home in recent years.
I understand people have far, far worse experiences but I am so conflicted as they so generous with money and always gifing us even though I don’t want it.
I am not close to them and since having my baby my mother has become obsessed. Yes she is the first grandchild but she is so over the top. Counting the days between visits, saying she looks at her photos every night. Saying how much she loves her. (I have never been told this by my parents or said it to them) It makes me really uncomfortable and I don’t want to be around them.
When they visit they can’t focus on anything other than the baby. They act as though they never saw a baby in their lives and everything is so amazing which grates on me. I don’t know what to do to make things better. Is it a hormonal thing since having my baby? I am still BF or is it a sign of depression?
I feel guilty they don’t see her enough but I find being in their company really hard. I don’t want to taint their experience with their first grandchild but I am in bad form when I am with them. I’m sure they just think I am tired