To think people complain about the lack of real connection but don’t want the responsibility of being a villager?

[FluentOpalFox]

Everyone’s talking about how lonely and disconnected the world feels but when it comes to showing up for others, offering support or doing the unglamorous emotional labour of real community, they disappear. People want to receive connection but few want to offer it. AIBU to think that’s the real reason so many of us feel isolated?

ok, but these things you describe are just hobbies because you have time now. Have you ever helped anyone in life being their village

this is the most valid point on here - western life is artificially made to be expensive and people are busy financing it. While I was growing up in another country, we had simple houses which we built ourselves, people helped sometimes to till the ground, came round for meals, but nobody gave you free lunch on continual basis because they are your village. Actually in old type villages people are very reserved because there is no escape from gossip.

I was only 10 when learnt to smile and pretend I don't have an answer to the old lady neighbour whose favourite occupation was to come and ask me questions while I was playing in the yard: what your parents are doing right now, what your grandmother is cooking, bla bla bla bla or the other one just coming to the frong yard, self letting herself through the unlocked front gate and just gossiping

People were polite and okeish in this village I grew up in but no, nobody raised me for my mother. My grandmothers did everything for us and absolutely no one elses

the only time I remember someone trying to be my mum's village is when I had apparently pink eye and the neighbours dil was breastfeeding so she came home and gave us some breast milk which my mother tried unsuccessfully to drop into my eyes and I made sure she did not succeed lol

Plenty of people work full time and still do stuff. I have an excellent village as such. Moved into my current town as a single parent with a 5 year old and 2 year old and was working full time

Still found time to help out others, neighbours etc and take part helping out with community events etc . One thing I didn't do was childcare

The last 30 years I've been here I've never been short of help if I needed it . When I was in hospital for 5 weeks people regularly popped in to see me and relieve the boredom. Even had free food sent from local takeaways.

Basically you reap what you sow

‘The price of community and belonging is inconvenience’

You aren’t wrong. It’s hard. I have no real village. A few connections with other Mum’s. I try and offer support emotionally to others, a listening ear, will meet up if a day I’m not at work, I’d happily help with childcare. I struggle with last minute stuff, I like to have everything planned. Over the years I have been a huge support to friends with practical hands on help with young children, even having them overnight. Now I’m a parent, I’ve never had this support back from those same people. I don’t feel I’ve got much to give with new friends/connections as we have no support from family at all and so we just about get through the week with just us let alone being someone else’s village. It’s a catch 22. We do lots for our ageing relatives, errands etc and spend quality time with them but don’t think that counts.

A lot of my friends in Dublin dont have family near by and we are each others village. Its not transactional but you do give and receive when needed. It makes everyones life richer and honestly easier. No one abuses it or it would get old fast. We have a local freecycle, alocal mams ehatsapp group for "does anyone know ..., forsale whatsapp, community clean up and then with close friends its babgsitting and pickups. You get out what you put in

True. I’m lucky to live in a community that still has connections, helpful neighbours. I’ll miss that when the children move on, likewise it could be a lot better, the connections will fade over time. The connections are out there, it’s nice to get out of yourself in the community once you take the step.

Erm, good for you. Give yourself a pat on the back for being so much better than everyone else. And if you don’t think that’s how it comes across maybe read it back.

YANBU

The average mumsnetter won’t even open their front door FFS

for me the villager's rebuilt me and saved me, and im truly grateful for everyones efforts.

I applaud the villagers-in-spirit on this thread (why so snide, @dicentra365 ?) and am toughened in my resolve to, as soon as stbx is no longer my concern, immerse myself properly in a village of my own. DP has a half-empty, mean-spirited, paranoid disposition and is 'baseline opposed' to any kind of villaging which is not immediately transactional. I can't stand it (raised in a remote arctic village where the village -both physical and metaphorical- was everything) so am calling it a day.

That’s a very accurate assessment - it’s not people don’t want it- it’s that life in general has changed and people no longer in many cases prioritise extended family or networks because they need to work to make the rent or mortgage or prioritise kids activities etc- not saying either is right or wrong, just different

I don’t have a village as such. When my children were little my sister, Mum and Mil helped me a lot with childcare.
I have a close group of friends and we help each other with things like house moves, diy, car problems and lots of other stuff.
Most of our neighbours I don’t know as so many are second homes/ holiday lets.
i do often see people posting on Facebook needing help and it’s lovely to see how many replies they get with people offering help and support.

Yup. They want to take from the village, but not give.

I sadly agree with this. My support village collapsed when I left my husband. It was like people thought divorce would be contagious.

I also think covid was a massive issue. I live in a lovely actual village and since then lots of the traditions and clubs have stopped.

I'm not saying I'm so much better ffs. I'm merely saying you have to put in the work to get the village.

Ive reread it, was merely the bloody truth. How you perceive it is not my issue

I think too many people fantasising about The Village want to be the net takers. In reality, there's always been the same minority who 'give' ie. The brownie leaders, lift givers, PTA members, snow cleaners etc. They have the confidence, time management skills, empathy. I used to be very much a giver. Much less now. A fellow giver said recently 'we were the mugs who always stepped up. '
Really the people like OP wanting the village, if they are serious, need to step up themselves. Because otherwise it's a bit like they long to be perpetually parented.

Mmmmmm this halcyon past is very class dependent.

My grandmother was one of five - she was the only one to survive to adulthood. Her mother didn’t do a ‘little’ job, she worked her whole life (was still working at 80) as in our working class family, every adult (ie over 14) has worked for generations. Living to 80 was itself extraordinary as many family
members died prematurely, including my aunt and uncle, from the direct result of poverty. Cleaning, cooking and shopping were much more time consuming. Many relatives moved away from their hometown because you go where the jobs are - a mine/factory/steelworks closure was catastrophic,

I don’t long for those days.

You can feel like the “mug that always steps up” but really you get so much more from helping out. I have made so many friends, learnt so many skills, been busy during hard times and taught my kids how to look after your community. The key thing is to set yourself boundaries, which often people who are natural helpers are terrible at. My worry is that there are less people who help now, they don’t even help themselves, like the parents at playgroup who don’t return their mugs to the kitchen, help put toys away and don’t appreciate the volunteers who are giving up their time to arrive early and stay late. They are now the majority and I think people who help often help as they saw their parents helping, so the next generation will definitely experience a lonelier and more selfish world. I can’t imagine not helping, it’s what you do. I find it hard when I read social media posts about someone stopping to help as if they are extra special people, it should be normal to help not extraordinary. It’s thoroughly depressing.

What makes you think that poster is lonely and doesn’t have friends? She has said that she’s not about to ‘start looking out for randoms’ by which I understood that she’s not going to start being the village for these people. There’s nothing in her post that suggests she lacks friends or is lonely.

Your final line comes across as smug and unpleasant, though that may not have been your intention.

I was a real outsider when I moved 25 years ago. I made an effort to get to know people, work, church, voluntary work, classes, hobby groups and neighbours.

I had to make an effort, my parents lived hundreds of miles away and a lot of my family live in Hong Kong and America. DH is also a Southerner in the North and his only sister lives overseas and spends her time travelling about running her business.

I have helped my village but they have also helped me.

There’s no persuading some, is there. I appreciate that those in the depths of work, childcare, family et al might find it difficult to imagine having the time to ‘village’ but I do wonder if that won’t become an ingrained character trait. To their great loss.

I think you overestimate our agency