To think people complain about the lack of real connection but don’t want the responsibility of being a villager?

[FluentOpalFox]

Everyone’s talking about how lonely and disconnected the world feels but when it comes to showing up for others, offering support or doing the unglamorous emotional labour of real community, they disappear. People want to receive connection but few want to offer it. AIBU to think that’s the real reason so many of us feel isolated?

The real reason is everyone is on their phones and totally unconnected and it’s addictive and we are getting more stupid.

I think it’s a big combination of lots of factors to be honest. I do think you’re right that many don’t want the discomfort and inconvenience of being a villager nor do they expect it of others. It’s a shame because I think it’s been proven that helping others is the best route to feeling content yourself, so if we all did more of it we’d probably all be much happier.

Unfortunately I also think that modern life is so hectic that we are all a bit drained so we also can’t be the villagers we want to be.

If we wanted it, we'd do it.

Yeah I’m not really helpful but I don’t actually expect anyone to help me. That sound negative, but I recognise that I just don’t have the bandwidth to offer much to others atm, I definitely don’t whinge about the lack of help. You do see this a lot when people start families and they feel their own family aren’t helpful enough and I always wonder if they ever popped around to help the people they are complaining about.

I think that's possible @FluentOpalFox

But from long experience of being the village, and helping lots of people, (I also received help in the past) I think there's a distinct lack of interest in it now on all sides

So as well as people being unwilling to help, they no longer want help. They would rather rely on a partner or family.

I have neither so I feel like it's a big problem, but there are literally no solutions.

I think we've got a big problem with the baseline activities not happening - so if people would rather stay at home and stare at their phones than talk to other people, if they think it's freakishly weird to say good morning in the street, then that's one of many things that erodes community.

I agree with this. I see it in 20 year old university students who actually message each other in seminars rather than discuss things.

I think a lot of people want their own village, but don't want to be a villager in someone else's

What you describe definitely exists yes.

I want a village. I want to help and I want to be helped. But I’m so frazzled with 2 jobs and kids and a recently widowed mother, a host of health issues that I feel I’d be an absolute drain to anyone and of no use in return. I love the idea but I think society now is shaped in a way that has moved so far away from this that it’s hard to get back. I’d love to slow down my whole life and simplify it but just can’t see how that can happen right now.

I think this too.

Women working has massively contributed to this. Who has the time to check in on the elderly and visit relatives friends like they used to? We’re knackered

I'm in my late 60s. I'm not going to start looking out for randoms

I want no such thing. I don’t know anyone who truly does.

’The village’ was stultifying AF. Let it remain in the dustbin of history.

And that’s fine, however some day a “random” might be giving you help or support. None of us ever know what’s around the corner for us, the older I’ve got (I’m 58) the more I’ve realised how we do actually need community.

Interesting

My parents were always the village

But when they retired, they got even more involved in the village

There's a local voluntary service for elderly people and it's mostly run by retired people.

totally respect your view - just an observation.

I'll be watching the thread with interest. I imagine things will be even worse if I reach my late 60s.

Are you anyone’s ‘village’, OP?

I'm an introvert, I really don't want a village and would rather just manage stuff on my own.

I live in London in are really crazy busy neighbourhood - but have found a little “village” all 7 other flats in the building have each others keys, and we are always in each other for drinks and dinners and stuff - it’s so nice

the people upstairs has a little girl and we have little kids too and we babysit for each other regularly so we can save on babysitters - we take turns during school holidays to help each other out

have 2 friends at work all similar aged kids and we all help each other out too - it’s my first year with a school child and in the summer we are all gonna take turns taking the each others kids some of the days so we can use less annual leave too! We joke that it’s a company crèche.

I agree. And life in real villages is like this now too. Back when I was young everyone in the village knew everyone else and helped when needed. My folks still live in the same village but everyone else has moved on and keeps the doors shut.

So many people want a village but don't want to do the bits that make the "village" - doing for others.

The reality is that so many of us are so overwhelmed with what's going on in our own lives -many people are juggling full time work, children, elderly parents with ailing health, keeping on top of a house that we can't pour from an empty cup.

"Villages" worked when women were not trying to juggle full time work, children and a house. When we lived near our extended family and long term friends so had an inbuilt village in our siblings, aunts and in laws. Let's be honest, almost all "villages" are made up of mainly female members almost always doing unpaid work (usually caring for either young, old or infirm).

Volunteering comes with bureaucracy nowadays, it's no longer rent a hall with a few mums and set up a playgroup or creche offering informal childcare on rotation, now you need safeguarding leads, risk assessments, treasurers, people to run it, first aid, food hygiene, dbs checks, Ofsted registration so people can use childcare hours ect. A basic organised volunteer litter pick usually includes a risk assessment. This creates barriers.

I know what you mean. I have experience of this in my life. People so full of contradictions. I was always told to sort the plank out in my own eye before worry about my neighbour's splinter (Bible reference I think!) And I've always understood it to mean look at my own behaviour and wonder if it needs adjusting before telling everyone else what's wrong with what they're doing.

People are very poor at self reflection these days. I wonder if the mental health epidemic is driven by a lot of people who feel uncomfortable at their behaviour or others' behaviour that they wish they could control and it spirals into poor mental health and wellbeing.

The other phrase I grew up with is treat others as you would wish to be treated. As an adult I've learnt it's better to treat others as they would wish to be treated rather than how you would be. But I wonder about people's lack of introspection and being unable to put themselves in others' shoes and being aggrieved things didn't work out as they would have wanted them to.

I think we are missing that the village used to be family. My Granny was one of 9 siblings, my mother was one of 13 siblings, etc. Most were married with their own children and they all lived nearby to one another. And, if the woman worked, it was in a small piecemeal job, not a career.

And they had no privacy. Everything was common knowledge and you couldn’t get away from them.

I definitely think there is an element of this. I’m sometimes shocked at some of the responses on here to posters talking about babysitting family etc.

Im a 2nd gen immigrant & for us it’s really normal for family to help each other out/spend a lot of time together. Maybe it’s a culture thing?

I have been a villager for about 25 years- was very involved in the community, and still am to an extent. I had to reduce my involvement as I just don’t have capacity, however I feel like I still have ‘social capital’ if you like. I feel I could get a favour, support, help in my community if I really needed it. The goodwill is still banked there.