I could really use some support right now. I'll just be transparent I have been struggling with addiction for the past six months.
The past few days I have been getting high at night and messaging this guy online. Strictly platonic on my side, but he kept pushing my boundary. I am still traumatized by my abusive ex. I kept asking him to stop, he would agree but then he kept doing it. I sort of just laughed it off but he was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Thing is, it as confusing to me because we did click really well, so it wasn't that hard at the time to give him a bit of slack.
He said he was having a bath. Told me I could get in it with him. I told him to stop it. He did. Then started it up again. He sent me several pictures of his bath bubbles. Remember, I was high, and didn't see that red flag like I would if it happened now when I am sober. To be more precise, I still don't know where the line is I guess I'm trying to say maybe I don't understand the rules of boundaries or perhaps what mine actually are. I sort of was just acting like this was normal as we were "new friends"... a short time later, as I was having a discussion with him, another male messaged me in response to a post I wrote. So I was juggling two friendly conversations.
The first guy continued to send me pictures of my bath bubbles saying get in the bath i'll wear a swimsuit, etc. I sort of was mentally backing away at this point and talking to this new guy, said straight up to him I'm not interested in flirting or anything and he said that was fine and just wanted a conversation about my post. I ended up saying to the second guy look il be honest I'm talking to someone else at the same time as you and it's hard to follow and juggle the two so I'll cut the other conversation short because I wanted to talk to him properly about my post, and that, besides, the other guy kept flirting with me even though I had kept asking him to stop. I even said to the bubble bath guy, stop it, you have a partner. I told him I was tired I'm going to bed, good night we said bye.
So I spent a few hours talking to guy number 2. We clicked very well and I was enjoying the conversation. I found him very intriguing. He was very highly intelligent and as we know this can be quite rare. We were talking about my drug problem for the most part. But then, I felt like he was beginning to act weird.
First off, he made a comment about women on drugs being hot, which I called him out on. He said I didn't call you hot, it's just a turn of phrase. I said fine. Moved on. An hour or two later, he started talking about.... he didn't like some types of women. He didn't like "fatties, single mothers and whores," I asked him if that comment was directed at me he said no. We had a bit of a tussle over it then moved on but as you can imagine I began to feel uncomfortable....
He then started saying things like, society is turning women I to whores to undermine men or some shit like that, that women hated guys like him or something just for telling the truth. I kept asking him was this personal against me I kept saying you seem really angry. Remember, I'm high on drugs and I just was feeling really confused with this argument that we started to have. At the time it felt very personal I felt like he was saying these things about me basically even though we didn't know each other which he denied also as you can imagine I just didn't lie to listen to this shit ? About women general or otherwise.
He was messaging very fast just going on about this sort of tone for a bit and I was just getting this really weird vibe that he was really a guy and I started to grow unsettled and sort of disturbed. He was talking about someone, I don't know which sex, anymore; "loving abortions"... And in between all this he was talking very fast and changing the subject and I kept pulling him up on the things he was saying and taking it personally. My sense of being unsettled deep in my stomach was compounded by the fact this man was very, very intelligent, like when a man is saying these things to you and asking why are you upset about this...
Then he began to say like, sort of, there is a massive psy- op, women are degrade men they repress and undermine me n and then we call them "incells" and the argument got heated and more and more heated I was very upset and confused.
And then eventually he said "I don't care if women are whores, I can respect a whore but I can't respect a liar" and he kept saying this,
While gaslighting me that these were valid things for him to be saying to me and I ended up freaking out at him, asking if he has mental issues, asking him why he was so angry with me which he kept denying and saying he was just talking in a general sense but I FELT his utter rage towards me and I was so upset and freaked out and confused. And then I said I think you are a psychopath and then he said I won't be insulted and he completely just stopped speaking to me at that point.
I the sent him several messages saying how insulted I felt, and how dare he be saying these things to me, how I felt like he was setting with rage towards me and then gaslighting me that I was imagining things and I felt scared of him he has scared me and is he happy now.
I had told this man I have a 17 year old son. I told him the city I live in.
It's just etched in my mind, repeated comments of I have no respect for liars, over and over again.
I think the two men are the same person. I "lied" about going to bed. I was really in fact talking to "another man" can you see where I'm coming from ? I feel sick. I sent him a last message and just said I'm sorry for calling you a psychopath that was too far but that it was in response to him pushing my boundaries and scaring me.
I had a panic attack I was imagining him finding me and murdering me.
This is the major wake up call of my life. I need to get clean right now. What the hell am I doing with my life. This is dangerous. I feel so ashamed of myself. I have left myself with £50 per week for groceries for the next month (my son has his own money) (he is not aware that I have been using drugs)
I am also having g this sudden insight that I do not think it is safe to talk to strangers I line at all. It's become so normalised but this isn't normal at all. We shouldn't talk to strangers, it is not safe. I was imagining him finding me and harming me or my son. I feel completely freaked out. I don't know how to process or deal with this. I swear, I am never taking drugs again. What the hell do I think I am doing. This is insane.
I need to change and I am going to change right now. I will go to meetings if I have to. How could I put myself in such a vulnerable situation. I feel scared and paranoid and unsettled and sick.
I know fine we'll some of you will just me harshly, and I deserve it but please, I am feeling so vulnerable right now that I do not think I can handle any hate