AIBU to be Feeling Really Upset and Unsettled ?

[NewUserName1000]

I could really use some support right now. I'll just be transparent I have been struggling with addiction for the past six months.

The past few days I have been getting high at night and messaging this guy online. Strictly platonic on my side, but he kept pushing my boundary. I am still traumatized by my abusive ex. I kept asking him to stop, he would agree but then he kept doing it. I sort of just laughed it off but he was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Thing is, it as confusing to me because we did click really well, so it wasn't that hard at the time to give him a bit of slack.

He said he was having a bath. Told me I could get in it with him. I told him to stop it. He did. Then started it up again. He sent me several pictures of his bath bubbles. Remember, I was high, and didn't see that red flag like I would if it happened now when I am sober. To be more precise, I still don't know where the line is I guess I'm trying to say maybe I don't understand the rules of boundaries or perhaps what mine actually are. I sort of was just acting like this was normal as we were "new friends"... a short time later, as I was having a discussion with him, another male messaged me in response to a post I wrote. So I was juggling two friendly conversations.

The first guy continued to send me pictures of my bath bubbles saying get in the bath i'll wear a swimsuit, etc. I sort of was mentally backing away at this point and talking to this new guy, said straight up to him I'm not interested in flirting or anything and he said that was fine and just wanted a conversation about my post. I ended up saying to the second guy look il be honest I'm talking to someone else at the same time as you and it's hard to follow and juggle the two so I'll cut the other conversation short because I wanted to talk to him properly about my post, and that, besides, the other guy kept flirting with me even though I had kept asking him to stop. I even said to the bubble bath guy, stop it, you have a partner. I told him I was tired I'm going to bed, good night we said bye.

So I spent a few hours talking to guy number 2. We clicked very well and I was enjoying the conversation. I found him very intriguing. He was very highly intelligent and as we know this can be quite rare. We were talking about my drug problem for the most part. But then, I felt like he was beginning to act weird.

First off, he made a comment about women on drugs being hot, which I called him out on. He said I didn't call you hot, it's just a turn of phrase. I said fine. Moved on. An hour or two later, he started talking about.... he didn't like some types of women. He didn't like "fatties, single mothers and whores," I asked him if that comment was directed at me he said no. We had a bit of a tussle over it then moved on but as you can imagine I began to feel uncomfortable....

He then started saying things like, society is turning women I to whores to undermine men or some shit like that, that women hated guys like him or something just for telling the truth. I kept asking him was this personal against me I kept saying you seem really angry. Remember, I'm high on drugs and I just was feeling really confused with this argument that we started to have. At the time it felt very personal I felt like he was saying these things about me basically even though we didn't know each other which he denied also as you can imagine I just didn't lie to listen to this shit ? About women general or otherwise.

He was messaging very fast just going on about this sort of tone for a bit and I was just getting this really weird vibe that he was really a guy and I started to grow unsettled and sort of disturbed. He was talking about someone, I don't know which sex, anymore; "loving abortions"... And in between all this he was talking very fast and changing the subject and I kept pulling him up on the things he was saying and taking it personally. My sense of being unsettled deep in my stomach was compounded by the fact this man was very, very intelligent, like when a man is saying these things to you and asking why are you upset about this...

Then he began to say like, sort of, there is a massive psy- op, women are degrade men they repress and undermine me n and then we call them "incells" and the argument got heated and more and more heated I was very upset and confused.

And then eventually he said "I don't care if women are whores, I can respect a whore but I can't respect a liar" and he kept saying this,

While gaslighting me that these were valid things for him to be saying to me and I ended up freaking out at him, asking if he has mental issues, asking him why he was so angry with me which he kept denying and saying he was just talking in a general sense but I FELT his utter rage towards me and I was so upset and freaked out and confused. And then I said I think you are a psychopath and then he said I won't be insulted and he completely just stopped speaking to me at that point.

I the sent him several messages saying how insulted I felt, and how dare he be saying these things to me, how I felt like he was setting with rage towards me and then gaslighting me that I was imagining things and I felt scared of him he has scared me and is he happy now.

I had told this man I have a 17 year old son. I told him the city I live in.

It's just etched in my mind, repeated comments of I have no respect for liars, over and over again.

I think the two men are the same person. I "lied" about going to bed. I was really in fact talking to "another man" can you see where I'm coming from ? I feel sick. I sent him a last message and just said I'm sorry for calling you a psychopath that was too far but that it was in response to him pushing my boundaries and scaring me.

I had a panic attack I was imagining him finding me and murdering me.

This is the major wake up call of my life. I need to get clean right now. What the hell am I doing with my life. This is dangerous. I feel so ashamed of myself. I have left myself with £50 per week for groceries for the next month (my son has his own money) (he is not aware that I have been using drugs)

I am also having g this sudden insight that I do not think it is safe to talk to strangers I line at all. It's become so normalised but this isn't normal at all. We shouldn't talk to strangers, it is not safe. I was imagining him finding me and harming me or my son. I feel completely freaked out. I don't know how to process or deal with this. I swear, I am never taking drugs again. What the hell do I think I am doing. This is insane.

I need to change and I am going to change right now. I will go to meetings if I have to. How could I put myself in such a vulnerable situation. I feel scared and paranoid and unsettled and sick.

I know fine we'll some of you will just me harshly, and I deserve it but please, I am feeling so vulnerable right now that I do not think I can handle any hate

Some of my closest friends are people I met online, over a decade ago and I talk them every single day. They’ve been a massive help to me over the years. It’s not necessarily talking to strangers online that is the issue, its the state and mindset you are in when you’re trying to making new friends, men who contact unknown women online tend to be looking for something sexual regardless of what lies comes out their mouth, and a certain type of man knows a high woman with substance abuse is much more easy to coerce and be manipulated. I had to learn this lesson the very hard way when younger, I trusted men who I though were trying to be my friend and everyone with any sense around me could see exactly what was happening, the man approaching me while I was steaming drunk didn’t give a fuck about me, they just see someone who can easily have their boundaries manipulated.

People who get into that state regularly are usually trying to escape something, and often its past abuse, it makes you very vulnerable to having low standards because the first crumb of kindness , you latch on to and a certain type of person will take take advantage of that.

Im not saying this to make you at fault, it’s just lessons I had to learn myself. I couldn’t see it at the time but my childhood with an abusive Dad led me to be kind of desperate for male validation, not sexual validation, but kindness and love, and nobody is ever going to find that type of things when talking to strangers men while high, men who repeatedly ignore boundaries and push the convo sexually even though you’ve said no, I’m a very big believer of No means no, but I often didn’t take responsibility for asserting that no.

My advice while you get back on feet.

Zero talking to anyone strange online while high.

Make all social media private, change setting so people can’t private message you. Go through friends list and cull anyone you do not know in real life and block the men (and I know it’s sexist of me but its men who are the ones who the most likely to be sexually inappropriate, I’ve never had a woman behave this way with me)

A blanket rule on zero talking to any men at all online, wether you’re high or not, never had a men reach out to me wanting to be a friend and it not turn sexual at sometimes, I’ll probably get flamed but I just think men and women can be friends when the friendship starts in this type of context.

Work on getting clean and then work on whatever it is that’s had you needing to escape reality in the first place. There’s always something, and the fact it’s men you’re messaging makes me think you’ve maybe also got some childhood issues RE the men in your life, or abuse etc. You might need therapy for that, and then once you’re in a better place with some self esteem and self respect for yourself and heal, you will be in a better place to choose wisely for friends and people who care for you as a person, rather than an emotional punchbag for their own MH issues or just looking to use you for sex.

Lastly, you might have got to rock bottom quickly but it will take longer to heal. It won’t be overnight and I know you say your son doesn’t know, be prepared that he probably will, addicts tend to kid themselves that nobody knows, they often do though, my mil was addicted to prescription drugs and her kids knew, they all knew because despite her saying she was totally normal the next day, she wasn’t, the kids stayed out as much as they could because they felt awkward and didn’t know what to do to help their mum. If he genuinely hasn’t noticed, he probably will when withdrawal and mood changes kick in. Recovering and healing in secret is gonna add so many challenges and may make you prone to relapse. It might not be what you want to hear, but if you’re serious about getting better, it probably is best to tell him at some point, my husbands younger brother thought their mum was dying when she started withdrawals.

Coke some weekends. At my cousin's place. Oxy and dihydrocodeine at night mainly. Fuck. I can't handle this. What am I gonna do. I've almost nothing left. I hate this. I hate myself for taking it all. What was I thinking. I'm reckless.

I never thought I would develop addictions. I thought I would always handle it, catch myself before I got too deep. Now I'm freaking out

I hate being sober

You could be on an online NA or CA this afternoon if you Really wanted to.

Would I have to go on camera ?

No, you might have to switch on for a minute to prove you're real, then turn it off for the rest of the meeting.

You've given me a lot to think about. I will need to think about all of this for a while. With: Work on getting clean and then work on whatever it is that’s had you needing to escape reality in the first place. There’s always something, and the fact it’s men you’re messaging makes me think you’ve maybe also got some childhood issues RE the men in your life, or abuse

What it is I'm trying to escape is partly boredom, but also partly that I feel there is something broken and when something is broken you got to fix that, but I do not think it can be fixed. I am not a normal person. I have been mentally ill since I was 13. All of my life I have been mentally ill. Overall in the last two to three years, you could say I am overall better than what I used to be. But my worst times have been a hundred times worse. It's just that I am no longer constantly depressed and anxious. This is because I am on a mood stabiliser. Before that, I lived with symptoms of PTSD for many years. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I wash my hands maybe 15 times a day. I do not know what it's like to be a normal person. I sort of just thought towards the end of these six months that if I could handle it I might be better of letting myself be numb sometimes. I don't understand the point of my life if I find it so hard to function and I am just going to die anyway. What is the point of that ?

I'm sorry. That was a vent.

I just tried to just have a accept a conversation with two men or one man on two accounts, or whatever the hell happened there. I guess I learned a lesson. The second one reached out to me after I posted about my struggle with the addictions so he was talking about that at first.

I think I really need something to do.

I really appreciate the support and advice. Thank you.

My head is all over the place right now

Are you feeling any more settled now OP?

This would be a great start. There is another programme I’ve heard about which seems to be having great results. It’s accessed online and I think it’s relatively inexpensive (compared to traditional rehab). I’ve no connection to it personally but the point is, services exist as a starting point. I hope you can take that first step soon.

Yes I've had a sleep and can see I was just freaking out and paranoid. It's extremely unlikely he would come after me. I don't think it was personal. He was just chatting saying he didn't like single mothers as they contribute to the breakdown of society

Have you looked into going to meetings ir or speaking to your Dr?

I've looked up online meetings and found some I think I will give them a go i think I do need some support from others who have been there

If you did decide to go to the doctor's you wouldn't be saying anything they haven't heard before. They hear all sorts everyday. My daughter went to see her GP in a mental health crisis, the lowest she's ever been and the doctor was so kind to her. Very understanding. She's now on antidepressants and she's so much more stable, she was against anti depressants before she went on them but now she's on them she says she'd never want to be off them as she feels so much better. I'm on dating sites and avoid chatting late at night with men as I think conversations are more likely to be steered in a sexual/suggestive direction and that's not for me. Couldn't you be honest with your cousin and tell them where you're at, you've had enough, maybe they have too. Well done recognising where you are and confronting it. Nothing wrong with having online friends but healthy friendships with supportive people. You can do this, you're articulate and self aware. Your son needs you, you need to be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes. You can change your life, it will no doubt be uncomfortable and feel easier at times to take the wrong steps. You can move forward and one day look back at the past you and feel more healed and in a better place. Wishing you healing.

I'm worried if I tell a doctor I'll never get cocodamol again when my back pain flairs up, or sleeping pills when I get insomnia. I have told my cousin I can't keep doing this and I'm going to tell her I can't see her for a few months. I've being coke with her but only the pills for a couple months so I think I can get out of that before I'm on too deep. I primarily buy the pills for my migraines and I'm wondering if its because I've been high on coke that I've been reckless and abusing them.

I think part of why I'm doing all this is out of sheer boredom. I think I will meet friends again at some point, I would like that

It's not dangerous it just makes you very sick if you quit cold turkey.

Try and take less today than you did yesterday. Just try and say that to yourself each day. Gradually go down til it's just one pill, then a half. Then none. This could take weeks but it's the least painful way.
Maybe try and go to the lower strength codeine you can get OTC? While also trying to reduce.

I know it's hard but don't speak to those men anymore and focus on your recovery.

This sums it up imo

OP, you said you wish you could speak to a private therapist. You say you spent £400 on drugs. That would pay for a lot of private therapy sessions. But you need to find someone with experience in addiction.

Thanks for the advice

Yeah, you're right. The thing is I've left my self for hardly any money for food (my son has his own money) I think 45 per week I've got left for the next several weeks

Hi op, have just come across your thread, I hope you are doing ok this morning and are feeling a little calmer. I know you prob don't feel like it but you have made an amazing first step to admitting to yourself that you want and need help. You can do this. Reach out to your gp I know you said you don't want to do that and it is a scary first move but they are best placed to help you, they will have seen it before know who to signpost you to for support in getting clean. If you don't want to act say it out loud. Write it down and give it to them. About the guy you were talking to he just sounds like a classic garden variety prick. I can promise you that it wasn't about you it was about him and his deep rooted insecurities and misogyny. Don't give him another thought but don't get into conversations online with guys again until you are less vulnerable. They sense it and will prey on that. If you want to talk, vent here let us guide you through it. I don't have addiction issues myself but I am close to someone who does and she got through it and so will you. I won't lie it isn't going to be easy but you can do it. X

Well, spend the time researching therapists with addiction experience, see who is taking on clients, chat on the phone if possible. It’s likely they would only see you once clean/drug free, though.

Thanks. I have calmed down I think it was the drugs I just freaked out and got majorly paranoid. I feel much better today. The reason I don't want to tell a GP is because I don't want to be refused co- codamol when my back pain flairs up or sleeping pills when I get insomnia. But a user here directed me to a resource for narcotics anonymous meetings online and I am going to give that a go in the next few days. I think it might really help to talk to others who have been through it. I think it's the coke that's the main issue.

Every month I say I'm gonna stop and every month I cave. I never thought I would be here. I always thought I would catch a habit before I got in too deep. It's just so addictive.

I've only been using the opiates for a couple of months, and I'm thinking potentially it's being high on coke that's making me reckless and abuse them possibly ? The main reason I was buying them was for very painful migraines that my prescribed sumatriptan doesn't really help. Maybe there's something else I can try I could talk to the GP about that.

I think the main reason I'm doing all this is cause I'm really bored all the time. I'm on psych meds that just numb me so I'm not sad but I'm not very happy either
I like being happy. I believe and know I can turn this all around. I'll go to an online meeting and see how that goes. I'm going to tell my cousin today that I can't see her for a few months, until I'm straight. Thanks again for the support x

I was expecting a lot of judgment but you all have been nothing but kind and helpful, I'm really grateful everyone xx

Go through your phone and block all numbers from men you've met online.
Contant the NHS addiction services here: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/ do this today.
If you're serious about getting clean, stop putting off the day. There is no better time or day than now.
Please try to be more caring of yourself - you are deserving of love and kindness, but you will never find that from random people online.
I wish you all the very best.

If you tell your GP you are addicted or use the local addiction service you're right it's a black mark on your name in terms of any pain relief or CDs. Sad but true.

I know people who've been clean for decades but they still get treated like drug seeking junkies when they have genuine pain conditions.

Lots of really indulgent over detailed advise here that you are clearly going to completely ingnore. You don't need to talk about it anymore. Just stop it. Don't take drugs tonight. Bin any you have in the house. Now. If you are about to go on line or take drugs - call the Samaritans instead. Tell them you are a drug addict and don't know how to stop.

How am I clearly going to ignore it ?