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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave DH because of his work

62 replies

Maybelle42 · 22/02/2026 10:46

Please help me see sense here, I am exhausted and at my wits end.

Just over a year ago, I found out I was pregnant and DH announced he wanted to quit his stable job and start his own independent business. He was convinced this was a wise move as it would make him more money than working for someone, which was true on paper however since we had no savings behind us and he had no set up, it wasn't the case. I tried to plead with DH not to do this, that we financially couldn't afford it and with a baby on the way making massive changes like this wasn't the right time. But against my better judgment he told me he wouldn't be told what to do or controlled and went ahead with it.

Not surprisingly, with no money to live off whilst he had no cliental and no proper start up the business very quickly dried up and lost us loads of money. I wasn't able to work during my pregnancy due to sickness but despite that it has always been my "money" we have lived off. Now that it has been over a year I have had enough. We had to move in with his parents and now have no money to leave. Last week I put my foot down and told DH enough now. He gave it a fair run, it isn't working, time to call it quits and get a stable job with a secure income. I told him I will not be living with his parents indefinitely until he can be bothered to get his life together, which I don't think he will as he seems pretty comfortable with this set up. Meanwhile I am miserable here and want to leave. I told him I would go if he doesn't sort himself out and he cried to me not too as we are all he has....

So with all this in mind I can't believe that yesterday my DH has now announced instead of letting the business go, he is going to try and rebrand into something different. I am utterly shocked by this and as per before he will not be told otherwise. He is convinced this time this will be the thing that will make us money and he won't hear otherwise. I told him he is being selfish but in his head he thinks he isn't and is doing this for us. This will inevitably mean more of my money being used up whilst he tries to scramble so sort of new cliental and establish this business.

I've now given him an ultimatum of the business over his family. He has called me controlling yet again and said he will not back down. I can't believe this is happening yet again, when after last time and many discussion he promised me moving forward any big life decision would be joint and he would consider my opinions more. He even admitted that he has a tendency to make impulsive decisions, especially when it comes to money and that they have never been right so far. I thought this time he would hear me out and admit this isn't working but if anything he is being so defensive off his business and just keeps saying that he hasn't invested all this time for nothing. His ego seems to want to prove he can make something of this at the expense of his family and I just can't believe it.

If I leave I had no housing or money, he has depleted all of it. I feel completely at mercy of him getting his head straight and realising we matter more but I'm scared that just won't happen.

OP posts:
Nickyknackered · 22/02/2026 10:50

Sounds like you would be infinitely better off leaving. Good luck.

Present yourself as homeless with your child at the council. You have left him and no where to live. With your job you will have income and claim UC.

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2026 10:52

he will not back down

This tells you everything. About this situation, and every upcoming situation in your life from this point forward.

I couldn't live with someone who was so pig headed that it was their way or nothing. I'm sorry; this isnt a man I'd let have control of my life and it's direction.

Dont assume he will come to his senses; you've seen that he wont. He is telling you - listen.

MatildaTheCat · 22/02/2026 10:52

If he is still dependent on your money can you restrict his access to it?

He won’t change and this sounds dreadful but you should probably be looking at how to protect yourself and your child and leave this delusional fool.

When do you go back to work?

Bonkers1966 · 22/02/2026 10:53

It sounds like anything would be better than this mess.

NewTricks2026 · 22/02/2026 10:55

What’s your current employment situation?

Sounds like it’s time to cut your losses. Apply to the council for housing and benefits, get the ball rolling now. He won’t change.

gamerchick · 22/02/2026 10:57

Stop his access to any of your money. How has he got access to it?

Maybelle42 · 22/02/2026 11:00

I'm unemployed.

He doesn't have access to my money, it's more of an indirect thing. What happens is:

He will come to me and say "this month the money I get paid by my clients needs to go into the job"

Which then basically means I need to pay for everything. Food, bills, insurances ect.

He has been awful at pricing jobs and not undercharging and because we have no money behind us all the money he gets goes into the jobs he does.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 22/02/2026 11:02

Just leave. There is no life with this man.

It will be one crazy scheme after another and if he actually does get lucky and make a bit of money, he will get bored and blow it all on the next big idea.

MID50s · 22/02/2026 11:03

My brother is a bit like this, he won’t be told that it’s a crap idea until it fails snd then his wife is left to pick up the pieces. He’s very impulsive.
I would limit your money to him and look towards getting a deposit together snd getting yourself somewhere else to live, maybe rented if it’s quicker for you.
tell him you are leaving unless he gets a ‘proper ‘ job soon

C152 · 22/02/2026 11:04

No, I don't think you would be unreasonable to leave him. He won't change.

You need a plan though, so find a nursery/childcare, get a job and start saving. Stop paying for bills - he can ask his parents for money if he can't be arsed earning it himself.

justthecat · 22/02/2026 11:05

Leave him now before you have no money left at all, he’s not going to change

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2026 11:06

Where will you go? You do need to leave, asap, but what are the practicalities? What do his parents think of his stupid plans?

CelticSilver · 22/02/2026 11:06

Is this the 'you need to be more resilient' guy?

zurigo · 22/02/2026 11:10

If you're unemployed and can't afford to leave, how come you can afford to bankroll the two of you? If you can afford that, surely you CAN afford to leave!

TheOutlier · 22/02/2026 11:11

He is controlling you!

Merryoldgoat · 22/02/2026 11:15

Ultimatums are pointless because if the party being given the ultimatum capitulates they just feel resentful and life doesn’t get better in the long run.

He has no respect for you and your family life. This marriage is over already.

Cardinalita90 · 22/02/2026 11:17

He's fundamentally selfish. His priority is his business baby, not his actual one. He's never going to change while he has you and his parents cushioning his fall.

Can his parents help with childcare so you can get a job? Then that money goes to an exit fund.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/02/2026 11:17

I'd leave. If he had the insight to realise that he'd fucked up then it maybe there would be hope but he sounds like he's got his head in the clouds.

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 11:19

He has made his decision. You have asked him to choose and he has.

You say you are unemployed. Are you on benefits? Is that the money you are using?

If so then you can leave him and still get the benefits. You can get help with your rent.

Tacohill · 22/02/2026 11:39

OP you will be financially and emotionally better off without him.

If he had this amazing business idea why wait until you got pregnant, why not do it way before you got pregnant or when the child is older, why not start the business PT in the evenings and build a client base before giving up work??

He waited until you got pregnant because he knew you’d be trapped.
He knew that you couldn’t leave him and that you would have to fund his lifestyle.

He is a very manipulative man who does not care about you or the baby or his poor parents.
This man is a leach - he’s leaching off you, his own child and parents.

Apply for the housing register and explain that you’ve separated with your DP and are living in his parents home.
You will be so much better off.

But do not allow this waste of space to come and move in with you when he sees you doing so well.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 11:54

It does sound like you need to leave. How are you paying for everything if you're unemployed? Go to the housing department at your local council, they will house you in temporary accommodation if you have a child. Speak to Citizen's Advice about what benefits you can claim while you are getting yourself on your feet. Then you need to find a job, and childcare. Have you got family who will help and support you?

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 22/02/2026 11:58

Yet another over confident man being absolutely delusional about his abilities and the viability of this so-called business.
He will continue to drag you down, run for the hills.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/02/2026 12:12

I think you have had a thread before, where you were still optimistic that he’d turn things around. It sounds as though you’ve lost hope- and I think rightly so. He is relying on you to keep you all afloat financially, and unilaterally making choices that affect you.

Start saving/earning/lining up your ducks. Work on a plan and then go. In the meantime, spend nothing on him- don’t buy him food, fuel for his car etc.

InterestedDad37 · 22/02/2026 12:19

Maybelle42 · 22/02/2026 11:00

I'm unemployed.

He doesn't have access to my money, it's more of an indirect thing. What happens is:

He will come to me and say "this month the money I get paid by my clients needs to go into the job"

Which then basically means I need to pay for everything. Food, bills, insurances ect.

He has been awful at pricing jobs and not undercharging and because we have no money behind us all the money he gets goes into the jobs he does.

Leave, and don't look back 👍

The13thFairy · 22/02/2026 12:20

Nickyknackered · 22/02/2026 10:50

Sounds like you would be infinitely better off leaving. Good luck.

Present yourself as homeless with your child at the council. You have left him and no where to live. With your job you will have income and claim UC.

Edited

I don't know if this applies now, but when I needed a home away from my husband, simply leaving and presenting yourself to the council was called 'making yourself intentionally homeless', and you would not qualify for council housing. Please check this out before before you think of this as a possible solution.