To leave DH because of his work

[Maybelle42]

Please help me see sense here, I am exhausted and at my wits end.

Just over a year ago, I found out I was pregnant and DH announced he wanted to quit his stable job and start his own independent business. He was convinced this was a wise move as it would make him more money than working for someone, which was true on paper however since we had no savings behind us and he had no set up, it wasn't the case. I tried to plead with DH not to do this, that we financially couldn't afford it and with a baby on the way making massive changes like this wasn't the right time. But against my better judgment he told me he wouldn't be told what to do or controlled and went ahead with it.

Not surprisingly, with no money to live off whilst he had no cliental and no proper start up the business very quickly dried up and lost us loads of money. I wasn't able to work during my pregnancy due to sickness but despite that it has always been my "money" we have lived off. Now that it has been over a year I have had enough. We had to move in with his parents and now have no money to leave. Last week I put my foot down and told DH enough now. He gave it a fair run, it isn't working, time to call it quits and get a stable job with a secure income. I told him I will not be living with his parents indefinitely until he can be bothered to get his life together, which I don't think he will as he seems pretty comfortable with this set up. Meanwhile I am miserable here and want to leave. I told him I would go if he doesn't sort himself out and he cried to me not too as we are all he has....

So with all this in mind I can't believe that yesterday my DH has now announced instead of letting the business go, he is going to try and rebrand into something different. I am utterly shocked by this and as per before he will not be told otherwise. He is convinced this time this will be the thing that will make us money and he won't hear otherwise. I told him he is being selfish but in his head he thinks he isn't and is doing this for us. This will inevitably mean more of my money being used up whilst he tries to scramble so sort of new cliental and establish this business.

I've now given him an ultimatum of the business over his family. He has called me controlling yet again and said he will not back down. I can't believe this is happening yet again, when after last time and many discussion he promised me moving forward any big life decision would be joint and he would consider my opinions more. He even admitted that he has a tendency to make impulsive decisions, especially when it comes to money and that they have never been right so far. I thought this time he would hear me out and admit this isn't working but if anything he is being so defensive off his business and just keeps saying that he hasn't invested all this time for nothing. His ego seems to want to prove he can make something of this at the expense of his family and I just can't believe it.

If I leave I had no housing or money, he has depleted all of it. I feel completely at mercy of him getting his head straight and realising we matter more but I'm scared that just won't happen.

You have to leave. His ego is his priority rather than his wife and child.

he sounds naive. i wonder if his parents have somwthimg to do with this madness? them telling him hes brilliant or the opposite him showing off because they aren’t impressed with him. if so being in their house wont help things .

either way i think it’s time to go. you stood by him while he tried somethimg. it didn’t work. he needs a day job.

Does he not realise most people (especially with family responsibility) starting a new business have a day job working in a company to keep them afloat and the self employed job in the evenings etc. while they wait for it to take off.

i take it you were made redundant or somethimg which would explain you having money to support him and also being unemployed?

i forget how old your child is but could he become a sahd while you get a job? he could set up his back bedroom business while he looks after dc?

once youre employed it would be easier to get a house etc. what you do with him is up to you. im thinking a split even if temporary is the way to go.

Every area has completely different rules.

It can also be the case that if you’re ‘homeless’ they put you in a home and you have no say on the area etc.
Whereas if you say you need to move out, then you’ll get given more opportunity to (within reason) choose a more suitable place and not just be put anywhere.

I definitely agree to look into it before applying.

What is the business?
Do you have any money?
How old is your baby?

Why are men so comfortable abdicating their financial responsibilities to their families.

Worthless men leaving and paying no CM.
Worthless men moving in with women and forgetting that love/cocklodging pays no bills.
Worthless men watching their pregnant partners work their fingers to the bone, scrimping and saving to pay their half of the bills whilst on ML.
Worthless men leaving their jobs to start businesses at the most inopportune times.
And now this one, who also has an unemployed wife and baby...

How old is your baby? Can he sort out childcare between him and his parents, while you return to work? At least then you can start some savings to get away from the irresponsible man.

Your first step is to see where you will be with housing.

Go to the council, tell them you're currently living with your husbands parents but need to leave him because he is financially abusive. Ask how they are going to help you.

This is no more intentionally making yourself homeless than walking out on a man who hits you.

Run like the wind. What an embarrassing excuse for a man.

Every day you don’t get out of this relationship is another day carrying this dead weight. Go, start again, you will be soooo glad you didn’t wait another minute.

dont give him any more chances now. You leave, no matter what, and if he means any of the drivel he will come out with then he can go get a job and a place of his own and pay maintenance and see his child a regular amount and then ask you to try again. He’s used all his chances now and that ‘you’re all I have’ makes me want to puke.

I don’t get this either. She didn’t work whilst pregnant & is unemployed.

living with his parents when they don’t have a pot to piss in actually sounds sensible.

one or both of them need to get an actual job

Tell him that you have no more money to give him and that he needs to start bringing something in.

Whatever this business is, he should be out earning money doing it. He could also work a second job to bring in money while the business gets established.

When I wanted to leave my job, I worked there and as self employed until I had enough additional work in the business to be able to leave.

Start making plans to leave, keep your money and use it to rent somewhere

Why don’t you get a job OP?

Did you have a job before the pregnancy? It all sounds very precarious and that neither of you are in an ideal financial position. Sickness during pregnancy would be covered by sick pay and then there is maternity pay and maternity leave.

where does your money come from?

This selfish delusional man is a millstone round your neck. Can you work and build up some money? (Don't let him at it!)

To be honest OP, I'm surprised that you're so shocked. From what you've told us this sounds entirely consistent with his character and his past behaviour? Get a job, don't give him any money, get ready to leave when you can. He won't change.

I had similar circumstances to this 23 years ago, two young kids and a husband who choose to earn money stupidly but didn’t. I left basically with two kids, every belonging I could fit into my untaxed uninsured car (DD had bounced) I was working part time and he didn’t even mind the kids while I was at work.
i believed if we left he would step up. I was delusional
took awhile but was luckily enough to be offered a flat by the council and was amazed at how family and friend helped out.
kids are now grown and doing well, I’m in a happy healthy relationship and ironically had a better income when not living with a parasite.

don’t expect him to change for you or the baby as people will only change for themselves. Don’t turn down help and take your time getting sorted

good luck

At the very least stop buying food for him op whilst you get your ducks sorted.

Probably not as easy as just stopping paying for him if it's a joint claim for UC.

Sounds like Del Boy: "This time next year, Rodney, we'll be millionaires".

Why aren’t you working?
How are you paying for everything? What with?

If it’s who I think it is, she was made redundant on her maternity leave.

She'll be kicking herself when he finally becomes successful. Every success has a lot of failures behind it. And most success is purely down to luck, but the more you keep trying, the more luck you make.

Easy to say when someone else is picking up the tab.

You are in acontrolling abusive relationship.
Get on to Women's aid and ask for a refuge.
Get away from him.

Ditch the delusional loser. Otherwise you’ll be living with his parents forever and constantly funding his hare-brained schemes.

Why aren't his parents funding him if he's got such a brilliant business plan?

I’m guessing “her money” is the benefits they receive as a family. They both need to get a job and grow up.