To really miss just having one child?

[Revoltingpheasants]

I really do love both mine and my second is just lovely and I wouldn’t be without her.

But just the same I really miss how simple life was with just one. Life was so easy as they got older, it was easy to get a babysitter if me and my husband wanted a date night, it was easy for me to arrange to see friends, easy to get time to myself and share lie ins at a weekend and I would get plenty sleep as my toddler slept well at night. Even if DH and I went somewhere together with ds we got a break each, eg to sit down or on holiday.

I know I don’t give enough time for dc1, I feel bad about that and I still nearly three years on have this feeling of being spread very thin.

I wouldn’t be without either of mine but just the same most friends stayed at one and I feel like they look at my life in relief it’s not them.

I’ve read around this but most people seem to say it’s something that hangs around for the first year and then gets easier but it hasn’t for me; I still have these intrusive thoughts about how easy life would be with just one child.

I like being with them individually. And I’m dreading my youngest starting school as then that time with them as individuals is gone forever and it feels like it’s just stress.

How old are they? X

It really does get much, much easier as they get older.
We do more with one of us with each child as we have a bit of an age gap but we now have a tween and really it won’t be long before she flies the nest in the grand scheme of things.
I know it doesn’t help in the moment but it does pass.
Maybe a break for you would help?

Five and the youngest is three in June, so two and eight months. I’m kind of hoping it will get better at three. Just the same though the simplicity of life as it used to be hits me sometimes. It’s silly as obviously it didn’t feel simple at the time.

@Upthenorth it probably would. My youngest is jus gorgeous but she’s still quite needy and clingy even though she is coming up to three; likes to be carried; still wakes at night (in fairness it’s usually only the once unless she’s unwell.)

It’s stupid as I try to say to myself ‘ok so which one don’t you want?’ But it isn’t really like that. It jumps into my head unbidden all the time though.

OP i sympathise. I have twins and honestly when they were little it was the hardest thing in the WORLD. All my anti-natal group were on their first and used to roll their eyes at me saying I couldn't meet in coffee shops because you cant get in with a double buggy, and you only have 1 lap. And then when they were toddlers I couldn't take them to the playground unless someone was with me or any active class. Also the whole take them out the car in their car seat thing so as not to wake them. Well j couldn't unless I eas going to leave one up the road in the car and then one in the house. It was awful. What I will say is as they got older my life become easier than those who only have 1 in lots of ways - yes they fight! - but they always have a buddy. It will get easier when the littlest one starts school. And they will have a sibling on every holiday so you dont have to spend the entire time playing catch on the beach! The change from 1 to 2 is apparently harder than 0-1. I mean thats what my friends witg 2 say anyway!

I really do get it OP. I would have cried finding out it eas twins i think. The only reason I didn't was because I had a scan due to bleeding, thinking I had miscarried (again) and they were like no its fine there's the heartbeat. Oh there's another one. thats why you have bleeding. So I was so relieved to still be pregnant it took away some of the shock of twins. Thank goodness

Sorry. That was a bit me me me. My point is it gets so much easier as they get older. Really. My kids friends who are onlies get way more bored than thise with siblings. And the oldest wont remember the time before the small one arrived.

Thank you @Sexentric . It’s funny as I used to love the idea of twins - no idea why - but I can really understand how isolating it is and how no one really understands your needs and challenges.

Obviously it’s not quite the same as you don’t plan to have twins but I do think there are parallels if only because so many people I know just have the one child. My antenatal group all stayed at one apart from one other woman and she’s lovely but lives a long way away and trying to meet is like knitting with spaghetti. I feel like I bring chaos with me sometimes!

Yes but chances are some of them will have a second in time.and they'll be wishing theyd done it sooner potentially when they see how much easier it is as they get older. Hang in there x

I find this about having a family at all when feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t feel that way, I think it’s my brain just attempting to help with the level of stress of two kids and full time work.

Sending strength!

I spend half my time wanting a third, and half feeling the same way! Mine eldest is 4 and I love the stage he is at - I love how curious he is about things, the attention span he now has for games and activities, the stamina he has for days out, and just generally chatting with him and how clever and funny he is. His temperament is also very calm, empathetic and understanding. My youngest is 21 months and just a whirlwind of chaos! Both in age and temperament, he has little attention span, quick to get frustrated, stubborn, and far less 'keen to please' than his brother.

Its hard not to feel a bit fed up at times, as my youngest often 'ruins' what my eldest is doing and I think about how simple days out would be if I just had the 4 year old! However, I know this is just a phase and when they play together (nicely!) it warms my heart. I love watching their relationship grow, and I know they wouldn't be without each other.

I only have one (who is now 6.5) partly because of all the reasons you outline in your post. I’m currently away with him on a city break which would be far more stressful if there were two of him. I never felt the need for a second but I will say that, now he’s older, I really wish that he had a sibling to play with. I know it doesn’t always work out like that but I don’t always have the enthusiasm or energy for all the games that he wants to play with me and it becomes very intense. Having never regretted my choice about sticking with one for a minute, I’m now finding that I am a little bit. All of which is to say, I think what you’re feeling is totally normal but I hope, as they get older, it gets easier for you as I think I would find it if I had two who were 5+.

Op i have 2 sisters. They are my best friends in the world. Maybe even more so than DH (jury's out!!) Does that help? Like if you think how great it will be for THEM as they get older x

This was exactly me. Twins is very isolating in a lot of ways so OP will be feeling similar. But OP, as someone has mentioned, as they get a bit bigger they entertain each other so it's easier again. Hang in there 🌺

I wouldn’t say so as the youngest is 40; the oldest is 48. So probably not likely! It is unusual I guess - I think for a lot of people they maybe have a longing to have another but once they hit the point of three with no1 actually the idea of going back is a lot.

Why is it harder to get a babysitter? Surely if its your parents they just have them both? I have a 6 year gap. I would imagine it's harder having two closer but also you can do things with both at the same time. Mine are into totally different things so days out used to be hard cus the eldest wouldn't want to be doing what the youngest was, they didn't want to play with each other ect. My first slept well the 2nd was breastfed until 2 and never slept it was exhausting, I think it's harder as your used to having some sleep then back to square one. It is easier now, mine are now 14 and 7 nearly 8 and my eldest can babysit. We can go out and do things. I'd had 6 years of having my baby as a lone child so she got lots of attention, I feel my 2nd doesn't get as much as she got but he's happy. I would have never have wanted one child. It is easier and cheaper of course but its better for a child to have a sibling, their kids will have cousins to play with, they will share the burden of their parents in their old age.

Completely get it! Mine is the exact same age gap as yours OP, and I would say it’s just started getting easier in the last few months (youngest about to turn 4). They now have more shared interests and play together really nicely. And as youngest is more independent, so can do more on her own. But is is hard, and I do reminisce about how easy it was to get baby sitters etc. No one is willing to look after two! We have to take a day off work together for some grown up alone time.

Well... I have four, hahaha.

In all seriousness, it is what it is. You have two. All this wondering 'what if' is very human, but it's not helping you right now.

Personally I think you'll be glad as they get older and play together better.

@Hereforthecommentz we don’t have parents … it’s harder getting a babysitter because of their differing sleep patterns. Ds probably goes to bed a bit later than most five year olds but generally sleeps through really reliably - I can probably count on one hand the number of times he’ll wake up in the night in a year. If we had a babysitter for just him it’s easy, we’d get him ready for bed and then he’d probably just stay in his room listening to his Tonie box. Dd is a lot less predictable; she tends to crash early but while generally she won’t wake until 2 in the morning it isn’t guaranteed and she’d be scared to wake and have a stranger there. So that’s probably more a dd problem than a second child problem to be fair but still adds a layer of complication there.

Thanks @CeeJay26 . Sometimes things just feel like a slog, like everything’s an effort.

I don’t feel like this about my children (I have 3) but I sometimes think this about my dogs. I love them to death and wouldn’t be without them but I would sometimes think doing such and such would be easier with just one. It’s the same thing, just an acknowledgment that the activity or situation occasionally would be easier with one. It doesn’t mean you don’t want both of your kids you are just acknowledging that certain aspects are harder with two. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless it takes over any enjoyment of your lives together. It does get better they get older every day and things change.

Do they play together? I have a 5yo DD and a 3 yo DS, and they entertain eachother (and fight too of course). Got another on the way so we'll see where the balance lies!

I look at only children and think it must be harder for the parents during school holidays.

They’ve started to play together a bit but even that is hard, for example today we went to softplay and ds saw a friend from nursery and they wanted to play together but then dd was getting upset … I don’t want either to feel obliged to play with the other I guess. I don’t think school holidays are hard.

As I read the original post I said I bet they're the same age as my kids.

I feel the same so have so much sympathy. I love them both but I see my friends with one able to sit in a soft play or at a cafe without my stress of either stopping my boys wrestling or trying to control my young one.

Our parents live abroad so there is no respite.

I can only read the other posts and hope that this is just a phase...Will miss it some day....so they say!

You might find that the eldest starting school gives you a bit more if that one on one time with each individual child.

We have a 5 y age gap, I wanted a 3-4+ y gap as it was what I had with my younger sister and felt that we each had that time with our parents and went through each life stage separately. I also had a sister that was 7 years older than me.

There are pros and cons to every possible combination of children. I'd possibly reflect on what it is at the moment that is making you wistful for something different and see what could be changed to make things easier.

He started in September @Superscientist . Days are so much easier but just the same I feel guilty for enjoying the time with my youngest in a way I didn’t with the eldest as for most of his preschool years I was either pregnant or was juggling two of them, and also I feel a bit constrained by the school day which I know is really unfair of me.