To really miss just having one child?

[Revoltingpheasants]

I really do love both mine and my second is just lovely and I wouldn’t be without her.

But just the same I really miss how simple life was with just one. Life was so easy as they got older, it was easy to get a babysitter if me and my husband wanted a date night, it was easy for me to arrange to see friends, easy to get time to myself and share lie ins at a weekend and I would get plenty sleep as my toddler slept well at night. Even if DH and I went somewhere together with ds we got a break each, eg to sit down or on holiday.

I know I don’t give enough time for dc1, I feel bad about that and I still nearly three years on have this feeling of being spread very thin.

I wouldn’t be without either of mine but just the same most friends stayed at one and I feel like they look at my life in relief it’s not them.

I’ve read around this but most people seem to say it’s something that hangs around for the first year and then gets easier but it hasn’t for me; I still have these intrusive thoughts about how easy life would be with just one child.

I like being with them individually. And I’m dreading my youngest starting school as then that time with them as individuals is gone forever and it feels like it’s just stress.

YANBU. And thank you for sharing so honestly. We’re 95% one-and-done and reading posts like this are so helpful in reassuring us we’re making the right decision, for us.

It's hard isn't it. I had my eldest in 2020 and she was a reflux allergy baby and screamed for the first 18 months of her life and we couldn't do anything. She didn't sleep through the night for the first time until 2 and only reliably at Easter last year! 5 mo old already sleeps better than her! Comparison is the theft of joy!

I had two pregnancies with hyperemesis in 7 months before I had my second and then spent the last month of this pregnancy in and out of hospital coinciding with her summer holiday. So much guilt but its all on me. She had a fab summer, she focusses on the good times and who she was with. She doesn't comprehend that there is an alternative universe where that didn't happen and instead she spent 2 weeks in the south east, playing on the beach, going for walks and picnics as well as a few days in London sight seeing as we originally planned before I got too unwell and had to cancel everything and stay at home.

Your eldest doesn't know there is a universe where you didn't have your second and that they had the time completely devoted to just them. Like wise your youngest doesn't know that there is a universe where you could be laid up for whatever reason not doing what you are currently doing

It's ok for you to find different situations harder or easier with the two as well. I was in a supermarket when my second was 4 days old, we go twice a week and I could never have done that with the eldest as she would have screamed the place down. Even the luxury of passing him to grandparents to have a shower I couldn't do.

For the babysitters because of my daughters terrible sleep the only person we trust to do bedtime is my mil so we switched to day time dinner dates. We used to take a half day when she was in nursery, go out for lunch at 1.30-2 then have the afternoon to ourselves. My sister has babysat for a couple of hours so we could go out for our anniversary. We realised it's the food and conversation that we were wanting not the night out.

How are you feeling generally about life and how has that changed over the last few years?

That’s a really good point about the alternative universe. I really wish I’d had them do alternate days at nursery so I could have had some one on one time with them both. I think that’s what’s hardest about having two, actually.

@Peonies12 it’s definitely worth giving a lot of thought to. For my part, rightly or wrongly, I didn’t really consider my dc1; I didn’t want to ‘give him a sibling’, it was purely for me - I wanted another child and if I’m really honest I wanted a daughter and I was very lucky and got one but I am aware she could easily have been another boy.

Im the opposite - absolutely do not want another child but a little part worries she won’t have a sibling. But I don’t think it’s fair to have a child we don’t want, to give a sibling.