Mum invites sisters family everywhere

[ByOliveSloth]

Little bit of a back story. My sister moved away for a while and whilst my children were young me and my mum would do a lot together and were close. When ds moved back home, wherever we went mum would invite her and her husband. It didn’t matter if it was a trip out for coffee or a school event. After a while I became worn down with this and told mum if I was giving her an invite it was not for her to extend it. She disagreed and said we were family and this was how things are. With this I stopped inviting my parents places and do not see my sister much as we don’t have much in common.

On to today. It is my son’s 21st birthday soon and I asked if my parents wanted to go for a meal. I would be covering the cost of this. She then said she would have to check if my sister and family are free. I pointed out it was just an invite for my parents. She took offence to this and kept saying we’re all one family. I now feel guilty that i am excluding them however my son is not close to his auntie and does not see her often. The meal was his idea and he asked for the grandparents to come but did not mention asking my sister. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to invite them?

For the sake of one meal, why not go along with it.

Because it would double the cost of the meal? OP has said that DM expects OP to pay for everyone.

I agree. I would find it really sad if my daughters grew up to be like this with each other.

It's a big family birthday. Why would you not want your son's aunties/uncles/cousins there, other than trying to make a point to exclude them?

Random coffee dates, I sort of understand, if you're keen for some one on one time with your DM. But a 21st meal? Just odd, sorry.

@namechangetheworld doesn’t look like the sister invites OP to things.

Ah yes, good point.

We're all family and would never intentionally exclude someone.

Like Op's mum & sister exclude her?

It sounds as if Op's son would like a meal with his parents & GPs.

That's Ok isn't it?

Because it's not what her son wants for HIS birthday.
Why should he agree to this, and her have to pay the extra.

He did not say no aunt?

Agree to split the costs before hand

Does the 21 year old adult whose birthday it is not have a say in the guest list?
The sad thing here is that it seems the OPs DM has failed her daughters by treating them differently and either cannot see this or worse, doesn't care.

Maybe it’s unaffordable to the op. Maybe she wants her dm to focus on her ds, instead of the side of the family she sees all the time. People who see each other more have their in jokes, talk away to each other and those they see less can feel excluded. It’s his meal. He gets to choose the guest list.

Every Sunday lunch and other things I the week isn't "random coffee dates"

I have adult DC. I do things with them individually and together. They do things together with me and without. It's normal.

Because it’s her son’s 21st and he doesn’t have a relationship with his aunt, add the finanical cost to this and the op is not in the wrong. He has asked for his grandparents to be there but his grandma seems to be intent on making what should be a lovely occasion awkward.

How was the conversation left op? Are they full on refusing to come to their grandsons birthday meal?

We left it a bit up in the air. Nothing was really further discussed.

I have spoken to my son though and he would prefer it to just be his grandparents. Mainly as my sisters children are preschool age and he would like to be able to chat in a more adult way without iPads. We would be doing presents, cake and a mini family party with everybody the weekend before his birthday so it’s not like we won’t see everyone then.

I think I’m going to leave things to calm down a bit now and I will try to explain again. At the end of the day it’s about my Son and what he wants.

That’s the situation I was in. Sibling would have a tantrum if she felt she was missing out and my mum would just give in. Of course, leaving me out was fine (other than one occasion in 30 years when my mum actually refused to leave me out, sibling stormed out so mum spent the whole day trying to ring her to apologise). Came to a head the first time I took dd down to meet family, after Covid (so I’d had months of isolation before) and my sibling was allowed to rule the week. I was barely allowed to see friends. When I told mum I was going to claim the last half day to myself, in tears as a result of siblings behaviour, I was told I couldn’t it might upset them. The fact I was upset being immaterial. Basically went NC ever since.

Your parents will miss out. Don’t acquiesce.

Bloody hell OP this is so unfair. I’d definitely not be inviting them and if your parents snub your son over this, I’d be furious on his behalf - as well as my own.

Her son didn’t ask for his aunt to be there and it is his birthday after all. Plus, he does have a point with his cousins being pre-school age and not wanting to have children at his meal and OP has said they are having a family party too and even if they weren’t we’re not exactly talking about a young child’s birthday party and it is extremely rude to
not only try to invite someone to another person’s event but to also expect them to pay for the additional people too.

I think he should be the one to ask his grandparents to come to his birthday meal and see if they come if he asks them to
come with just them.

Just because you happen to be related doesn’t mean you automatically get an invite to another family member’s birthday meal/party.

Have a handful of family members that I would never invite to my birthday and not feel guilty nor care how it looked. We would highly likely never have been even acquaintances if we weren’t related by blood.

I meant the OP wanting to spend coffee dates alone with her DM for a catch-up is understandable, but I find the thought of excluding close family members from a big birthday celebration odd, and almost like OP is trying to make some kind of point. I would be interested to hear her DM and sisters POV.

OP, I understand that it is annoying every single time, but honestly, you do sound like you're being hard work. Why not just extend the invitation sometimes? It seems as if you see this all as a constant competition between you and your sister which is exhausting for everyone involved.

which is what the sister and the mum do all the time.

The DS doesn'T want the aunt and the little kid cousins there. It is all there in OPs posts, but some PP are determined to make her out to be the awful one here. Are the sister and mum on this thread?

So you have family that live close, and your kids couldn’t get to know them because you don’t have much in common? 🙄

In response. My son knows my sister. When she returned from living away we saw her at least once a week until he was a teen and then he might of seen her slightly less as he was busy as teens are. As I have said my relationship with her is ok. When I say we’re not that close we have different lives and values. I do make an effort and with that I babysit my nieces at least once a month.

My son would just like to go out for a meal with his grandparents without the rest of the family being there. We will be celebrating with everyone for his birthday the weekend before. My issue wasn’t with my sister it was with my mum always having to have everybody at everything.

Maybe it's time to let her get as angry as she wants, and insist on an answer anyway? (Maybe even get a bit angry yourself...?). You seem to have a pretty fixed pattern here: mum treats you badly and your sister with favouritism, and everyone else just accepts it because the idea of DM getting angry is such an unthinkable horror? Sounds like she's got you all well trained.

I can see why you’re upset as actually your mum isn’t insistent on having everyone at everything, she quite clearly ia happy to do things without you / your family, but she is insistent that your sister is at everything. I’d rescind her invitation & tell her why.