Mum invites sisters family everywhere

[ByOliveSloth]

Little bit of a back story. My sister moved away for a while and whilst my children were young me and my mum would do a lot together and were close. When ds moved back home, wherever we went mum would invite her and her husband. It didn’t matter if it was a trip out for coffee or a school event. After a while I became worn down with this and told mum if I was giving her an invite it was not for her to extend it. She disagreed and said we were family and this was how things are. With this I stopped inviting my parents places and do not see my sister much as we don’t have much in common.

On to today. It is my son’s 21st birthday soon and I asked if my parents wanted to go for a meal. I would be covering the cost of this. She then said she would have to check if my sister and family are free. I pointed out it was just an invite for my parents. She took offence to this and kept saying we’re all one family. I now feel guilty that i am excluding them however my son is not close to his auntie and does not see her often. The meal was his idea and he asked for the grandparents to come but did not mention asking my sister. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to invite them?

“The meal was his idea and he asked for the grandparents to come”

Point out to your (v unreasonable) mother that the invitation to your son’s 21st birthday meal has come from him and not from you, and that it is expressly for his grandparents. If they choose not to come, so be it - they are the losers by it. I would also remind your mother that she does things with DSis without you, so it’s hardly unreasonable for their grandson to want to see his grandparents without always having to see his aunt and cousins as well.

She needs to check what your sister is doing before she can confirm attending her grandsons 21st birthday?? Uninvite her. She sounds like an awful person tbh.

Basically she favours your sister's company and it makes being with you more appealing. That's the bottom line. You are well aware of this and, naturally, you're jealous and angry. Don't think you can do much about it other than distance yourself. Your mother is way out of line if she expects you to pay for your sister and her husband's meal. Ask her if she's paying for the whole group. After all, it is her grandson's 21st.

When your Mum invites your sister and her family, does she tell you that she’s done so? Or does she turn up with them? I’m imagining a scenario where a table for six is booked but ten turn up. Presumably your mum expects you to pay for your sister and family, even though they weren’t invited.

I'd honestly go NC or very LC.

She's not worth your time. Mother or not.

Was she always this odd with invitations @ByOliveSloth ? Does she expect you to pay for sister and husband at your son's 21st? Have you ever discussed this with your sister...you say you're not close? Why is this?

You do need to tell your mother that your son is inviting his grandparents only and that he is not close to his aunt.
As for the long term every time she suggests inviting your sister, say no because your sister doesn’t invite you. Don’t let her get away either it by being cross or manipulating you in any other way just be firm. Tell her you don’t like her playing favourites. If all else fails just cut her out.

This.

Do you really dislike your sister? I do find this odd, if I arrange meet ups with family sometimes another family member will come along and it's never an issue. We're all family and would never intentionally exclude someone.

Your mum is horrible & rude.

Checking if someone else is free before they accept?

Wtaf?

Perhaps tell your son that his GPs can't make it?

It's all about family but that doesn't mean you, nor her GS it seems.

When your mum is with you and your sister, does she focus her attention on your sister? Or does she equally engage with you both?

NOBODY has the right to invite someone else to something that they have been invited to. Doesn't matter what it is or who is doing the inviting - to ask someone else along who hasn't explicitly been invited is really bad manners.

And your DM knows exactly what's going on, she just doesn't want to talk about it because she knows it's unfair. She doesn't care. And the sheer bad manners of her shoehorning your DSis in all the time is shocking.

Don't invite her to anything. It's her own fault.

If its your event, you invite who you like. If it’s your mums event, then she invites who she wants to. 👍

I think there are grandparent bragging rights to be able to say the whole family gets together. My family don’t get on at all but my dm insists everyone comes to everything which makes it absolutely intolerable. Nobody enjoys it and it often ends up in a row.

Push it! Let her get angry! Challenge her to justify why she treats you both differently.

blow this shit wide open.

Trying to answer all questions asked in one go.

They regularly go out for meals or for coffee. They have Sunday dinner together every week and will see each other at least one other night maybe two.

I don’t dislike my sister we just lead different lives. I enjoy seeing her and chatting but I would also like to see my parents without her family being there.

My sister also has two children and my mum would expect me to pay for everyone. So what would be a table of five would become a table of ten with me footing the bill.

It is unreasonable of your mum to expect to be able to invite your DS family and have you foot the bill! How long did your DS move away for, was it a few years? Could it be that she missed her whilst away and wants to take every opportunity to see her?

I think you are kind of unreasonable. You say that son is not close to Auntie but it sounds like you do everything you possibly can to avoid your sister & family.

Your mum probably just wants to spend time with her family altogether.

you aren’t unreasonable about it should be who your son wants to invite though. I would probably just extend the invite so his grandparents will go.

I get having nothing in common but she is still your family

Are you sure you enjoy chatting to your sister? There must be more going on here, surely.

Do you ever see your sister without your mum?

Well tell your mom that you don't mind paying for parents meal but your sister can pay for herself. It's completely shitty of your mom to invite your sister everywhere but never invite you. I'd be seeing a lot less of them tbh

@Sensiblesal if DM wants the family together why doesn’t she invite OP when DM is seeing the other sister?

My DM does this too and I find it most irritating. In my case I think it’s because she worries about my sister being a hermit (she is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic and genuinely doesn’t seem to want or need friends or much social interaction). I get on fine with my sister but like you, sometimes I just want to see my parents without her! I do think it’s rude of my DM to extend the invite all the time, she doesn’t even check with me first, I will message her to invite her to do something and she’ll reply, “That sounds lovely, I’ve asked DSis if she wants to come too” 🙄🙄

Not necessarily, there are plenty of posts on here that are the equivalent of DPs sister, who would see OP and her mum doing things together as "leaving her out." It's possible Sis is hard work and Mum is trying to avoid the drama of leaving her out.

Have you not read all of the OP's posts? The mother and sister do things together and never tell the OP the events are happening and don't invite her along to them.

So, in the mother's and sister's eyes they don't consider them and the OP as all one family who do everything together.

As others have said, the sister is the mother's golden child and the mother is blatent about it.

OP, just make it very clear to your mother that the invite is from your son not you. That you would not have invited her yourself. Therefore, your son only wants his grandparents to attend and not his aunt and her family. If they can't attend because their golden child can't attend, then so be it!