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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Once in a lifetime educational opportunity

32 replies

QuestLove · 20/02/2026 23:58

Hi all
Been in a coersive controlling relationship for years. Found courage to leave 2 1/2 years ago. We live together still, with our 10 year old. I work part time, with not enough to move out on my own, so need his help, a settlement. We cannot agree as he refuses to give me half, as he would have to sell the family home, and he does not want to do this. Since my announcement to leave he has forced a 50/50 parenting schedule, that we now do. We don’t speak as he is abusive to me, so our communication if at all is via text.
The settlement is not enough for me to remain in London and buy a home. But he refuses for me to move away ..
Economically we will struggle in the future with his offer of a ‘clean break.’

We have chosen schools for our daughter who is due to start year 7 in September. National offer day is March 2nd. We will be told what local school is allocated to us then,

Out of the blue a family member sent me a school of interest outside of London. It offers bursaries and full scholarships and is an independent school - not on our radar or wildest dreams! But I took a shot and supported my daughter to study and take the exam. She had one week to study, and today she was offered a place! I’m so delighted and proud of her, and what she’s capable of! I haven’t told her this yet.,.

I am worried that her father will oppose her achievement and say that she cannot go. This would not be a financial burden on him, but it was I who was means tested. He would have to pay nothing at this prestigious school, that is a once in a life opportunity, whilst I pay £500/month ( after school club is a little less/month)
The change to make this happen for her would have to be :

I move closer to the school to allow her a commute
we both move closer to allow 50/50 to continue

Her father hates me. His heart had turned to stone and everything he does is to hurt me. I’m afraid that he cannot see my daughter in any of this. I’m afraid that she will choose to please her father, and not go, to please him, and lose an opportunity of a lifetime. She’s only 10, and I wish we were both better parents to her, to guide her through this together.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
What would you do next?

OP posts:

Xnz2022 · 21/02/2026 02:18

You need to get your relationship sorted urgently... That seems to be the root of this problem.

You've split with him, but you still live together and rely on him financially. Go to the courts and split properly and legally. Get everything done officially. As you negotiate and sort out your post-relationship situation you can try your best to make sure your daughter can attend this school. But at the moment with no legal position you seem to still be letting your ex control the situation.

StormyLandCloud · 21/02/2026 05:39

Xnz2022 · 21/02/2026 02:18

You need to get your relationship sorted urgently... That seems to be the root of this problem.

Edited

Absolutely this! He’s still abusing and controlling you, you need to get a solicitor and break free

ArcticSkua · 21/02/2026 05:42

Agree with the above. You need to get a lawyer and split up properly (not based on what he thinks).

Drdogooder · 21/02/2026 05:44

I assume you are working your way through the courts? Sadly that isn’t always as simple or quick as mumsnetters feel it should be.
Ultimately if you can’t agree a judge has to decide. This makes everything slow and painful. I’m sorry this is the reality. Shore up whatever support you can for yourself emotionally and your daughter.

wanttoworkbut · 21/02/2026 06:15

What's your legal advice been? Assuming you're married you need to resolve the divorce first, you're still in a abusive relationship. If unmarried, and not on the deeds/mortgage, get yourself moved near the new school asap.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 21/02/2026 06:24

Are you able to up your hours to full time so you can move out?

Moonnstarz · 21/02/2026 06:31

Echoing all the previous comments - why haven't you sought legal advice regarding the housing and childcare split?
Also check the conditions of the school offer. Will your daughter have to sit another exam to continue to be given the bursary after a certain number of years? I know one child who got a bursary for a school but it was only for year 7 and 8. I don't know whether there is then competition for getting a bursary for the remaining school years or whether this is just a test to check they still have the academic ability the school want and would automatically get the bursary if they meet a certain standard. I would check all term and conditions of the offer, especially if it requires moving - especially as you mention it was means tested. What happens if you move and then have to get a full time job? Does this then push up your income and you are no longer entitled to the school funding?

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 21/02/2026 06:51

Definitely check the conditions of the bursary. How many years will it be paid for? Will DD be expected to take further exams in year 9 for example for the bursary to continue

Spend the weekend taking photos of all relevant financial paperwork - husband's wages, pension, investments, savings plus mortgage details and any other debts. Also make sure you have the details of all outgoings

On Monday see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings

You need to get divorced, house sold, money split. You can only do that through a solicitor, because your husband will bully you if you don't have a solicitor

What your husband wants is only 50% relevant and as you are married everything will be split according to the law - if your daughter lives with you this will possibly be 70/30 in your favour

Snorlaxo · 21/02/2026 06:54

The first answer is correct. You should have sorted the housing issue before secondary school applications and upped your hours so you can save more. By not moving, you have made this situation a lot more complicated and this is unfair on your dd.

If you are still living with your ex in September will you be committing bursary fraud because if you are then his income or child maintenance payments from him should surely factor into the bursary application?

Needanadultgapyear · 21/02/2026 06:54

Both parents need to agree on the education of their child - this was the legal advice I was given.

devildeepbluesea · 21/02/2026 07:01

I second the advice to check the terms of the scholarship- DD is in an independent school on scholarship and your post actually made me check (again) her terms.

But you really, really need to split formally so that this arsewipe can’t control you or your daughter any more.

HaloDolly · 21/02/2026 07:08

I’m in a similar boat OP, in terms of feeling stuck but some of that is of my own making. Maybe DDs offer of a place will give you the confidence you need to get out of there. Go and talk to a solicitor, or Women’s Aid about coercive control, as a starting point. Some solicitors offer a free half hour. Also try ChatGPT - it’s really helpful!

Moonnstarz · 21/02/2026 07:08

Snorlaxo · 21/02/2026 06:54

This is a really good point about the bursary. As you are living with your ex surely his income needed to be considered and you might not be entitled to it.
You have already said he is controlling and is unlikely to agree to the school so he could easily bring an end to it by informing them of your living conditions and his own income.

Alittlefrustrated · 21/02/2026 07:36

Your number one priority needs to be your daughters physical and emotional wellbeing.
Living with parents who don't speak, because one is abusive and controlling to the other, will be causing huge emotional damage.
You are still in an abusive relationship and he still controls everything.
I'm also very worried that you have aquired this bursary dishonestly. You can't just not declare that she has a father who pays towards her needs, even when you split.
You need to leave with your daughter. Find a fulltime job. Stop being so passive. What support can you harness to make this happen?
Prioritise.

BollyMolly · 21/02/2026 07:38

The other school is not automatically better for your daughter simply because it is private, and moving her away from a parent who she has 50/50
contact with would be a big deal. Her parent is more important than a school and moving her away from her father is not in her best interests, even if it would be right for you. You are seeing this as a once in a lifetime opportunity but it’s just a school. There will be other decent schools in your area and your dd could go to one of them and still achieve exactly the same GCSE/A Level results by the end of it.

Your priority is working out how you can gain financial independence and stop relying on your ex.

Heronwatcher · 21/02/2026 07:45

Use this as an opportunity to go to Court and get things sorted. Clearly you need to get the house sold or he buys you out to the tune of at least 50% of the equity (if not more), you move closer to the new school and he gets to see her regularly in holidays/ weekends. If he doesn’t make a sensible proposal a court will make an ORDER which he has to comply with or face prison. This is not his call.

How far away is the school? Assuming it’s not a 10 hour round trip this would be very normal and (assuming no back story) a court would be very likely to order.

How does your DD feel about the school? Most Courts would be wary of letting her decide completely especially if it’s obvious one parent is exerting control. That said if your DD genuinely doesn’t want to go I think you might be well advised to get your living/ financial sorted first and then worry about schools.

So yes, get to a solicitor asap.

Brewtiful · 21/02/2026 07:49

I echo those wondering about the bursary. If you're still living together and married how can it be that only you were means tested?

As others have said you need to sort out leaving the relationship asap and part of that will probably mean accepting this school is not the one for your daughter especially if you both agreed to the other school and he hasn't had any input in this decision.

BollyMolly · 21/02/2026 07:53

Are you actually married to this man? You don’t refer to him as husband but it makes a lot of difference.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 21/02/2026 07:55

That's an excellent point that pp has made.

If you and your husband are still married then both incomes will be taken into account when deciding on the bursary.

Another good reason to legally separate, although does the school disregard maintenance income which your husband will pay you, once you're divorced - if your DD lives with you post divorce

You really really need to see a solicitor. Also (as pp said) Women's Aid

PollyBell · 21/02/2026 08:05

So you went ahead and did this even though you knew he would not agree you did this to your daughter he did not do this

You both need to sort out the split and both sort out what is the best education for your child

TinkerTailorLadyThinker · 21/02/2026 08:15

I assume this is your partner and not a husband?

If you were married a divorce solicitor would sort this out and you would have a settlement.

You are still being controlled by him.

I'm actually shocked by what you posted. Things like he 'won't allow you' to move away.

Is he from a culture where he thinks women are second class citizens and can be controlled?

You are an adult woman- you have control over your life.

If necessary you will have to apply to the council for housing based on being in an abusive relationship.

Take control of this.

The education of your children is further down the list.

TinkerTailorLadyThinker · 21/02/2026 08:16

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 21/02/2026 07:55

That's an excellent point that pp has made.

If you and your husband are still married then both incomes will be taken into account when deciding on the bursary.

Another good reason to legally separate, although does the school disregard maintenance income which your husband will pay you, once you're divorced - if your DD lives with you post divorce

You really really need to see a solicitor. Also (as pp said) Women's Aid

I doubt they are married.

OP never calls him her husband.

This would not be dragging on with him refusing to engage with the finances if they were married and it was a divorce .

Been in a coersive controlling relationship for years. Found courage to leave 2 1/2 years ago.

@QuestLove You have not left.

Nothing's changed just you've rold him you want to leave.

Pippa12 · 21/02/2026 08:28

This situation sounds dreadful, for you and your daughter. It sounds like a truly toxic environment to bring a 10 year old child up in.

I would park the private school idea tbh. He is obviously never going to agree with this, especially as you have done it behind his back. I imagine your bursary offer will be void if you haven’t declared your household income- otherwise everybody would just put one parents salary on the form? Giving your child hope and putting them through exams when you’re not even sure the outcome is attainable is foolish behaviour in my opinion.

Your actions seem erratic. I would be putting my energy into finding a solution to these dreadful living circumstances for your child, living with an abusive partner will be damaging her, even if you think it’s not.

TinkerTailorLadyThinker · 21/02/2026 08:37

I would just add that bursaries can be given on the basis of educational ability not necessarily parental income.

It depends what the bursary is based on and if the parent is contributing a percentage based on household income.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 21/02/2026 08:50