Once in a lifetime educational opportunity

[QuestLove]

Hi all
Been in a coersive controlling relationship for years. Found courage to leave 2 1/2 years ago. We live together still, with our 10 year old. I work part time, with not enough to move out on my own, so need his help, a settlement. We cannot agree as he refuses to give me half, as he would have to sell the family home, and he does not want to do this. Since my announcement to leave he has forced a 50/50 parenting schedule, that we now do. We don’t speak as he is abusive to me, so our communication if at all is via text.
The settlement is not enough for me to remain in London and buy a home. But he refuses for me to move away ..
Economically we will struggle in the future with his offer of a ‘clean break.’

We have chosen schools for our daughter who is due to start year 7 in September. National offer day is March 2nd. We will be told what local school is allocated to us then,

Out of the blue a family member sent me a school of interest outside of London. It offers bursaries and full scholarships and is an independent school - not on our radar or wildest dreams! But I took a shot and supported my daughter to study and take the exam. She had one week to study, and today she was offered a place! I’m so delighted and proud of her, and what she’s capable of! I haven’t told her this yet.,.

I am worried that her father will oppose her achievement and say that she cannot go. This would not be a financial burden on him, but it was I who was means tested. He would have to pay nothing at this prestigious school, that is a once in a life opportunity, whilst I pay £500/month ( after school club is a little less/month)
The change to make this happen for her would have to be :

• I move closer to the school to allow her a commute
• we both move closer to allow 50/50 to continue

Her father hates me. His heart had turned to stone and everything he does is to hurt me. I’m afraid that he cannot see my daughter in any of this. I’m afraid that she will choose to please her father, and not go, to please him, and lose an opportunity of a lifetime. She’s only 10, and I wish we were both better parents to her, to guide her through this together.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
What would you do next?

OP, schooling is the very least of your worries. Get your poor daughter out of this horrific home environment. Find her a school, any school, for the time being but get her out of there.
If I've read this correctly you have £500 spare a month for school fees. Use that to put towards rent somewhere instead. If you don't earn enough to cover the balance then research what benefits you're entitled to. Visit a women's aid centre if you need support. And up your hours if part time.

Her father hates me. His heart had turned to stone and everything he does is to hurt me. I’m afraid that he cannot see my daughter in any of this. I’m afraid that she will choose to please her father, and not go, to please him, and lose an opportunity of a lifetime. She’s only 10, and I wish we were both better parents to her, to guide her through this together.

You can be a better parent by getting out of this and both of you behaving like adults.

Your daughter is in the middle of this- a highly dysfunctional set up.

You can stop texting this man- talk to him and at least break that cycle.

Also contact Women's Aid who are there to advise on getting out of abusive relationships.

@QuestLove Are you okay?

This is a very worrying time for you.

Has any advice been helpful?

Hi there.
I am married. For 10 years.
I am applying for full time jobs.
I support myself and my daughter with my part time salary. He pays the mortgage and bills.
We have solicitors and have paid £8000 each so far that has gone to negotiations. Friends and family have helped me to pay for this so far.
We live in south London. School near Gatwick airport.
Housing us would cost £1800/month for me to be close to the school in London
Cheaper living outside London and buy a home. Following a job offer, I will move out.
My daughter and I are in therapy
I have been in touch with Women’s Aid
Recently been told that I can apply for legal aid to take this case to court.Court process extremely slow..

The independent school opportunity came out of the blue. Social mobility opportunities for my mixed race child will not come around often. I am aware of the inequalities she will face in her future. Whilst I struggle to find a home, I want her to have the best opportunities educationally.

I have been open with the school about my circumstances re: bursary. My own salary, and that I am awaiting a settlement. As my income increases, so will my contributions. I am fine with that.

Thank you for your feedback so far.

You need to double check with CH about the means tested fees, if you live together then his salary needs to be included and the amount of mortgage payment allowed as the calculation is restricted as a percentage of earnings.

It sounds as though not living in that toxic environment would be in her best interests.

You need to move out and start the divorce. He cannot refuse to sell if the court awards you a share of it.

OP it does seem like you’ve used your DC as a motivator to get away. I can understand how this has presented but it’s awfully unhealthy and very much risks her blaming herself for blowing the family up which would cause me a lot more worry than the missed bursary opportunity.

what you can do, I guess, is move out with her and rent a property alone Gatwick whilst the divorce process continues. However, this is massively expensive considering you already have a household within the marriage.

plus, how on earth will 50:50 custody work? She can’t go back to London half the week to be with him.

Op is in this process, but it can take months and years. It will cost tens of thousands to get in front of a judge to get the house sold.
As another poster said, people talk like you can just pop into a solicitors on your lunch break and get it sorted.