How do you handle people who try to come back into your life?

[ThatHonestRedShark]

If someone you haven’t spoke to in months or even years suddenly reaches out - no prior contact, no gradual reconnecting, what do you do? Do you decline and keep the boundary, accept but stay cautious or let them back in fully?

AIBU to think past distance usually tells you everything you need to know?

Depends whether you would like them back in your life, i would be cautious but consider it.

Ignore. Keep your dignity.

It would depend what my previous relationship was with them. There are loads and loads of people in my life that I haven’t spoken to for months - I mean that’s quite normal - or even years, who I would be perfectly happy to hear from. I don’t know what you mean by reaches out with no prior contact though. How can you make contact before “reaching out”, the making contact is the reaching out?

What, so like a dear old friend who you lived with in your twenties is passing through town fromNZ scenario, or someone you fell out with for sleeping with your partner a decade ago scenario?

I mean someone who disappeared without explanation or drifted away after conflict and then reappears as if nothing happened, not just someone I haven’t caught up with in a while. I agree normal life-busy gaps are different.

Entirely subjective. Do you want this person back in your life? If not, ignore. If there was a fall out then I'm sure the other person will be aware there's a chance they might not get a response.

It would depend on how and why the relationship faded and what their motivations were in contacting me

It depends on who they are and the reason there hasn’t been any contact.

It would depend why they did it - mental health crisis? Yes, I’d want to reconnect. Hated my guts but needs a kidney now? Not so much.

I had a friend who was a mood hoover, we called her the Dyson. I realised she was completely self centred and even tho she ‘asked’ about me and she wasn’t interested in my answers and conversation had little depth if it wasn’t about her and her woes.

I sat in the coffee shop 18 months ago and looked through her and thought I’ll never ever meet you again.

Shes messaged a couple of times asking how are you, do you want to meet etc (more like I need another therapy session with you!) i answered breezily all good here, hope you and yours are too, take care. If she asked I’d answer honestly- but she’s so self centred she won’t even realise i was upset with her.

Ive never done this to any of my friends.

A boyfriend tried to persuade me to spend less time with my 9yo son - he asked me to choose between them - so I dumped him, in 2017. Took me a nano second to take that decision 😡

In 2020, during covid lockdown he phoned and suggested we get back together. I pointed out that ds would be front and centre of my life for at least another decade. Haven't heard from him since. 😁

I'm not a fan of the bobbing back up and acting like nothing has happened, I find it a bit jarring.

I might be open to rekindling with someone who is able to talk about the drifting.

Well I sort of answered this in a thread recently. An ex best friend of mine contacted me on Facebook and then visited me by surprise at my home. I was sort of in touch with her by phone but the way our friendship originally ended was awful on her part. So she’s now out of my life.

I ignore them.
If someone chooses to walk out of my life that is their final decision as far as I'm concerned. There's no doorway back in.

If they hadn't done anything terrible to make me choose to not speak to them then I'd probably be happy to hear from an old friend?

Lots of people drift apart but not because anyone did anything wrong. So assuming it was that type thing I'd respond and see if the friendship can redevelop. Without putting too much investment into it.

As others have said, if we had just drifted due to work/family commitments, no one's fault and no drama, and if the friendship had been positive while it existed, then I would definitely be open to at least having a catch-up to see if we still clicked.

If the friendship had ended due to one of us behaving badly, then I am not so sure. If they were the ones who had acted badly, then it would always be at the back of my mind. If it was me that had been the wrong-doer, then I would be wondering what they were hoping to gain from me.

This happened last year after years and ignored it. The alternative would be to say I don’t want to meet up I guess….

Cautiously.

Had an old uni friend message me on Instagram. Asked for a call on there. I called and she didn’t share much about her updates etc but asked for my WhatsApp number. I didn’t send it as we can call each other and message on isntagram, as far as I am concerned. She unfollowed me without a word after a few weeks.

Example two. An old friend has always been talking to me/ arranging meet-ups on her terms pre kids. Came to visit me when I bought a house to satisfy her curiosity and then went quiet. Only replied to messages after a few days until suddenly my last messages were left with no response at all. So no contact for a few years.
Recently she messaged me out of nowhere. I texted back - as I just cannot not reply to people - but kept it short and asked no questions. So that’s that.

I ignore it and don't respond. I don't see the point in pursuing it and I have never had problems with them getting the message.

It would depend on what the conflict was about and if I actually wanted to spend time with them again.

If there was conflict, I wouldn't bother.

I’d say ‘gosh, I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I thought perhaps you’d gone to the toilet and fallen in. What was the actual reason?’

And then wait to see what they say.

Depends on the situation. The only time it happened to me was an old school friend who had lived over the other side of the world for 20 years, so obviously we just naturally drifted apart, no drama or conflict or anything. Then when she was visiting our hometown she reached out and asked to catch up, and I’m glad she did, it was lovely to see her.

But of course it’s always dependent on the circumstances.

It largely depends. Some experiences from my life:

• an ex who broke up with me six years ago messages every six months and baffled that I am not emotionally available to him. That's a no
• a school friend whom I rang when I was going through rough time in my 20s. She told me she was too busy to speak and will call me later. Never called. We lost touch for 6 years. Reconnected at a completely different stage of life for both of us and have celebrated our 30th friendship anniversary last spring.
• a guy who stood me up on a first date. Popped back into my messages there months later with no reference to the event. Blocked
• a father whom I last talked to when I was 11 reappeared when I turned 21. Polite and I frequent communications from my side.

Well are we apart because life is busy and things happen or because they were on the front page of newspapers for robbing a bank?

Why cant people give more details in op's instead of this drip feeding on here lately