To have nonchalantly told DP the sex of our baby

[EsperTillus]

I’m 11 weeks pregnant with our first baby. It’s an intentional pregnancy and very much wanted.

We are only in our 20s but decided to get a NIPT as one of my family members had a traumatic experience a few years ago when her baby was born with a trisomy that had gone undetected. Even though we knew we were very unlikely to have anything like this, we could afford the £300 to have the test done privately and felt it was worth it for peace of mind.

In the lead up to us going for the appointment, I kept saying to my partner “We’ll have the option to find out the sex too when they send the results, I think I’d like to know, what about you?”. he wouldn’t really give a clear answer and just kept saying “I’m not fussed about the gender, I just want to know it’s healthy.” I said I understood this but that we still needed to make a decision whether we were going to find out or not, I wanted to find out so he said we could.

I had the bloods taken on Saturday and got the results back today. I tried to have a few lighthearted conversations with him about how I was looking forward to finding out the sex to help me bond, and made a few comments about what things might be like if it’s a boy/girl. He never really engaged other than repeating he’s not fussed about the gender and just wants it to be healthy.

We got the results back this afternoon, whilst we were cooking lunch together. I told him I got the email and he told me to look. I scanned the document and saw that baby had come back low risk for everything, and I told him this. He stated he was relieved and happy. Right underneath where it stayed the risk for the conditions, it had the fetal sex clearly written in bold, so I couldn’t really miss it. I sort of waited for him to ask about the sex and he never did, so I said “It says here it’s a boy.”. He barely gave any reaction and just carried on cooking.

Later on he told me that the way I told him was a bit deflating and I could’ve put more effort in, said it in a more fun way or asked him if he wanted to know so it could’ve been a more memorable moment.

I feel this isn’t fair. He’d repeatedly told me he wasn’t fussed what it was so why would I make a big thing out telling him.

WIBU?

Such a non issue. Both of you. Don’t try and cause arguments where there are none and he shouldn’t start whinging when he was clearly asked.

I haven’t tried to cause any sort of argument. I told him what it was and carried about my day. He’s now moaning about the way I told him

I would think it possible to request not to find out the sex from these tests. I had surprises with 2 of my DC and preferred it, guessed the sex wrong both times which added to the surprise!

I think you both should have been on the same page regarding finding out or not. Sounds like he didn’t want to know. Either way, your baby is healthy which is the main thing. Congratulations.

If he’d have said he didn’t want to know I’d have been happy to wait but he never gave a clear answer and just said he “wasn’t fussed”.

He needs to grow up, if he wanted gender reveal party he should have just said so.

You got the results very quickly. Which provider did you use? SIL is currently debating whether or not to go private.

Did he want a gender reveal with balloon release? 😂

I think it’s important to be sure he wanted to know but no need for a big hoo-ha. The results are exciting enough without having to hire a string of dancing girls.

It doesn't bode well for things to come. Poor communication and delegating to you. He is saying that it is your job to make the sex reveal special and all about him.

Maybe he thought he didn’t care but actually did in the moment. I think everyone’s had something which is unexpectedly a bit deflating even if they wouldn’t have thought they were bothered before. You weren’t unreasonable to take him at his word that he wasn’t bothered, and if this is anything other than a momentary low which he gets over quickly then he’s super unreasonable. Congratulations on your healthy boy.

Soon you will have 2 babies. Both boys.

So he was ok for you to find out over an email but he expected you to create some kind of dramatic gender reveal for him? He’s being pathetic. Just keep reminding him like as he said previously, the most important thing is that the baby is healthy and you didn’t need to make a big thing of the sex as you were both happy either way. Just keep reminding him of his previous words

He wanted you to make it memorable for him? Why didn’t he make it memorable for you considering he wasn’t fussed on finding out the sex. So now he’s turned this whole thing into a deflated balloon because of some sort of emotions he’s feeling and has turned it round onto you.

Just tell him that if he wants something like that he should have communicated it. You’re not a mind reader who can just see what he wants and he was uncommunicative and vague.

Tell him that when he communicates more you will try to meet his wants but until then you’ll have to work with what you’ve been given. Which is no opinion either way.

Tell him it is memorable. Hopefully he'll remember that it was the day you told him that you are not his Mummy and it's not your job to make all the difficult decisions and make things fun for him.

“In a more fun way”??!

Jesus.

Honestly, you both need to just forget about this.

I agree.
if a doctor had told you they would have just said it without a song and dance

What do you want mumsnet to do. Er can't change what's happened.
Listen to what he is telling you and told you before.
He wasn't bothered about the sex. He was interested in a healthy baby and he is quite right. You pushed it..

I don’t know OP. It sounds like you hadn’t discussed if you did or didn’t want to know in advance?

if he didn’t want to know then I can see why the nonchalant announcement upset him. Agree with PP, the missing part was the communication where you agreed if you wanted to know or not.

Don't blame him. I'd have assumed he might not want to know because he was quiet about it.

You gave him no option because you wanted to know.

Such a shame he can't ever get that moment back.

Why would he or anyone else in their right mind want a gender reveal party?! Sooo grabby, tacky and downright CFary.

He didn't want to know and made it clear but was given the info anyway.

He sounds a bit pathetic, and obviously needs to work on communicating clearly. It's not fair on you for him to be all wishy-washy and vague, and then blame you for not knowing what he wanted!! It seems as though you asked several times, so he's got no excuse.

This. I'm getting flashbacks to a juvenile man child I dated in my 20's.
OP - your partner has a lot of growing up to do. So if he didn't mind, did he think he'd just find out on the delivery day??? Dude needs to get into reality.
As for someone else commenting "that she pushed the issue" no she bloody didn't. She's carrying this child and she needs to know the sex and health implications if any, she can do what she damn well pleases. How ridiculous. The child needs to be discussed before birth! And that includes sex.
Baby boy man child wanted a gender reveal cake or backyard parade just for him, all arranged by the mother to be. Eye roll.

Tell him you're not a mind reader! He needed to use his words if he wanted you to do it a certain way.

I’m old. I’ve got four kids and I found out their gender when they were born. When I’ve seen the big gender reveals, I’ve always assumed it was the woman who wanted all the hoopla. Turns out your DH wanted that. Mind blown. 😂😂😂

Seriously though, congratulations on a healthy baby boy. Hopefully you can renovate the DH between now and the birth so that he can communicate more clearly in future. Meanwhile, make sure you clearly communicate your expectations re parenting to him. He’s going to need more than the odd hint when you want something.