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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm done.. or did I overreact?

32 replies

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 16:49

Marriage already strained.
Yesterday it was my birthday. I say to my husband "what shall we have for dinner?", thinking he might cook or we'd eat out.
He says "I'm having a nando's".
Aibu to think it should have been worded better or considered what I'd like?
I'm also vegetarian! (Appreciate they do vegetarian options).
I just feel done.

OP posts:
Janeaway · 20/02/2026 16:50

What is he like in other ways, OP? Is he considerate? Does he pull his weight around the home?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/02/2026 16:51

How did you react?

I mean, absolutely he should be thinking about what you want for dinner on your birthday. What did you have? Had he given you a present?

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2026 16:51

He's a twat. Give yourself the best present and dump this useless arsehole.

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2026 16:52

Janeaway · 20/02/2026 16:50

What is he like in other ways, OP? Is he considerate? Does he pull his weight around the home?

Does he sound considerate?

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 20/02/2026 16:53

It’s a tricky one, as if you want to end a relationship you can do so for any reason/the straw that broke the camels back.

For me personally, if I wanted to do something specific on my birthday, I’d have had the discussion ahead of time suggesting we go out/that I’d like him to cook something I enjoy.

But I imagine in the wider landscape of your relationship, frustrations have built up and maybe you are done, maybe you need a frank discussion to say you feel like that if you think it’s worth fighting for the relationship.

sorrynotathome · 20/02/2026 16:53

Many Happy Returns for yesterday, @Torn0 . LTB.

Pancakesbythedozen · 20/02/2026 16:54

My exh ruined my 40th. He was an exh before I was 41..

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 17:56

Janeaway · 20/02/2026 16:50

What is he like in other ways, OP? Is he considerate? Does he pull his weight around the home?

No, for many years he has done very little to help me. At the end of last year I made a rota as was at my wits end and now he does do some chores.

OP posts:
plentyofsunshine · 20/02/2026 17:59

What sort of man says "I'm having a nando's" when his wife asks him what shall they eat on her birthday?

A dick, thats what.

Did he at least buy you something wonderful for your birthday

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 18:00

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/02/2026 16:51

How did you react?

I mean, absolutely he should be thinking about what you want for dinner on your birthday. What did you have? Had he given you a present?

I was surprised, didnt have time to say anything before my child said he wanted it too...
Only then did my husband say "what will you have?"
And I said I'd go to the supermarket for something (which I did).

OP posts:
Sartre · 20/02/2026 18:02

Aw yeah that would mark the end for me too. Agreed with PP, the best bday present you could gift yourself is divorce papers. Happy birthday for yesterday.

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 18:02

plentyofsunshine · 20/02/2026 17:59

What sort of man says "I'm having a nando's" when his wife asks him what shall they eat on her birthday?

A dick, thats what.

Did he at least buy you something wonderful for your birthday

Ha, that made me chuckle!

My present was a 2 night UK mini break which sounds lovely on paper but in reality it's somewhere we've been before so no research or thought needed.

OP posts:
rumred · 20/02/2026 18:03

If my partner suggested nandos for my birthday (I'm veggie too) they'd be an ex. He doesn't like you, does he? Get rid. And treat yourself to something delicious.

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 18:05

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 20/02/2026 16:53

It’s a tricky one, as if you want to end a relationship you can do so for any reason/the straw that broke the camels back.

For me personally, if I wanted to do something specific on my birthday, I’d have had the discussion ahead of time suggesting we go out/that I’d like him to cook something I enjoy.

But I imagine in the wider landscape of your relationship, frustrations have built up and maybe you are done, maybe you need a frank discussion to say you feel like that if you think it’s worth fighting for the relationship.

I think i just feel very stuck, financially and because of the impact on our son.

But the truth is, he will never understand why these things upset me (or try to), so I know it will never change.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 20/02/2026 18:11

Irretrievable Nandofication - grounds for divorce 👍

Newbie8918 · 20/02/2026 18:12

Just asked my very insightful and articulate husband and his response was ‘that’s shit that!’

jokes aside, on a normal day, it’s pretty poor form. On your birthday it’s just shitty and selfish. It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

Happyjoe · 20/02/2026 18:12

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 18:02

Ha, that made me chuckle!

My present was a 2 night UK mini break which sounds lovely on paper but in reality it's somewhere we've been before so no research or thought needed.

And you have to share it with a nando eating hubby I presume?! Boo! :-)

ps - happy birthday for yesterday

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/02/2026 18:27

He was an absolute dick.

I am veggie too. I think I’d have gone for one of their veggie options just to avoid cooking today, and then started to make plans to ensure I wasn’t in the same situation next year.

Endofyear · 20/02/2026 18:58

What a tosser 😳 his reply should have been 'What would you like darling, it's your birthday!' or even better 'Put your feet up and have a glass of wine, I've cooked your favourite dinner/ordered your favourite takeaway!' Sorry OP but with his complete lack of consideration, I'd be done too. Sometimes it's not the big things but the small things that are the final straw 😔

UniquePinkSwan · 20/02/2026 19:17

overreacting. Maybe he thought you’d have something else with you being a vegetarian

Ilovelurchers · 20/02/2026 19:26

I mean, the mini break is a nice gift objectively - presuming it's somewhere you like going to? Not saying that this makes him ok, if he is an arse in other ways.

The food thing is weird - unless you usually eat separate stuff, it's normal even on an ordinary day to discuss and decide what to eat as a couple/family. (In fact I have often felt that 90% of cohabiting life involves discussing what to have for dinner!). . I assume he ordered it as a takeaway? Was he trying to suggest you should all get a takeaway of your choice, and he would pay?

Anyway, the meal really is neither here nor there - if you wereadly in love with him it wouldn't be a major issue I am sure - but it sounds like there is a lot wrong in the relationship.

From my own experience I would urge you NOT to stay just because of finances/your child. I left my husband when my child was 5 due to his repeated infidelity, and she has a good life, and excellent relationships with both of us. (Our co-parenting relationship is a strong one, something we both worked hard at and arevery proud of).

And yes I am much poorer than I would have been if I stayed - but money isn't everything. As long as you can get by and won't end up homeless and destitute, I would say your freedom - not being stuck in a marriage with a guy who makes you miserable - is worth the lifestyle hit, many times over.....

Anyway, there is no rush. You can think it through, make plans. But please don't feel you are stuck with this man forever. In some ways, if you can just promise yourself that there WILL be a way out eventually, that can really help you to cope......

Torn0 · 20/02/2026 21:10

UniquePinkSwan · 20/02/2026 19:17

overreacting. Maybe he thought you’d have something else with you being a vegetarian

But wouldn't you expect a partner to put your preferences first, on your birthday?
It doesnt feel very special if you're eating separately.

OP posts:
Torn0 · 20/02/2026 21:12

Newbie8918 · 20/02/2026 18:12

Just asked my very insightful and articulate husband and his response was ‘that’s shit that!’

jokes aside, on a normal day, it’s pretty poor form. On your birthday it’s just shitty and selfish. It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

This is helpful to have a male point of view! Thank you

OP posts:
Torn0 · 20/02/2026 21:19

Ilovelurchers · 20/02/2026 19:26

I mean, the mini break is a nice gift objectively - presuming it's somewhere you like going to? Not saying that this makes him ok, if he is an arse in other ways.

The food thing is weird - unless you usually eat separate stuff, it's normal even on an ordinary day to discuss and decide what to eat as a couple/family. (In fact I have often felt that 90% of cohabiting life involves discussing what to have for dinner!). . I assume he ordered it as a takeaway? Was he trying to suggest you should all get a takeaway of your choice, and he would pay?

Anyway, the meal really is neither here nor there - if you wereadly in love with him it wouldn't be a major issue I am sure - but it sounds like there is a lot wrong in the relationship.

From my own experience I would urge you NOT to stay just because of finances/your child. I left my husband when my child was 5 due to his repeated infidelity, and she has a good life, and excellent relationships with both of us. (Our co-parenting relationship is a strong one, something we both worked hard at and arevery proud of).

And yes I am much poorer than I would have been if I stayed - but money isn't everything. As long as you can get by and won't end up homeless and destitute, I would say your freedom - not being stuck in a marriage with a guy who makes you miserable - is worth the lifestyle hit, many times over.....

Anyway, there is no rush. You can think it through, make plans. But please don't feel you are stuck with this man forever. In some ways, if you can just promise yourself that there WILL be a way out eventually, that can really help you to cope......

Not a takeaway, we were on the mini break at the time so all went into the town and he and my son ate and I just sat there trying not to cry.
I popped outside to compose myself and he just shook his head.
Then I went to the supermarket on the way back to our accommodation for mine.
Thank you for the advice, I think it can be heartbreaking even when you know its the right decision.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 20/02/2026 21:30

Happy birthday @Torn0 it’s ok to be done. It’s not the first birthday you’ve been together and unless you have form for being inconsiderate and a general arsehole then it’s ok to draw your line in the sand. Life is short. You deserve more.