To Think DSIL needs to stop with the odd comparisons.

[Silversushi]

My DSIL (my DH's lovely brother's wife) is expressing irk at the difference in incomes of my DS (20) and her DS (23)

My DS though relatively smart didn't engage with education and didn't want to try for University like his siblings.

Her DS is very bright hard working and a lovely lad is currently in last year of University (has 2 gap years).

Since a levels my son has started working in construction and really applied himself, gained some qualifications to work in site management and is earning nicely and is very happy in his role.

DN has just secured a grad role in an excellent company which will support him through to Chartered and beyond.

Now the crux of the matter is DS current pay works out at about £20k pa more than this grad role and she's mighty pissed off.

She's been muttering about the student debt to be repaid and the fact that my DS just has a handful of average A levels and that it's unfair. Said with a pout 😲

We had supper together on Saturday and she just couldn't let it go, despite us all (the 3 other adult) muttering about experiences, catch up over the years, career trajectory lack of security and continuous employment (for my DS) etc.

Luckily we had the Six Nations to distract a bit.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept that people have different circumstances and there's no benefits at all to comparison?

Your children have made different decisions and are on different paths in life, her son chose to go to university knowing what the cost was. Of course she should not compare them.

Just say 'you just sound jealous. Which is ridiculous. You're not are you? I wish both our sons well in their different careers. There's plenty of room for both sets of skills in this world.'

Why are you discussing other people's finances??

I think it's odd that you are discussing your children's salaries to be honest. I don't talk about what my children earn to anyone, it's none of their business!

Really try to avoid rising to her as it sounds like she's trying to stir things up. You come across as very kind towards both your son and nephew.

I wouldn't be discussing DC's finances with anyone in the first place. You're right though, in the trades there's less job security, unless you own the firm. Her DC will likely catch up, or even overtake later if he has opportunity to progress to a high level.

I am trying not to.

She brought it up after the cousins had chatted. This generation is a lot more open that we ever were.

DN reported back to DSIL the amounts.

DS mentioned nothing to me about the conversation.

Well except to let me know DN had secured a grad role and who it was with. Nothing about the remuneration.

She’s being immature on every level. Just cut the conversation dead at the outset if it ever comes up again. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

She sounds like a knob.

'Well maybe if your ds hadn't taken two gap years he would be making just as much now'

You have to take her comments at face value, not as comments about your DS.

Her son chose a path with a long term pay off.
Yours chose a more immediately rewarding route and has done well in the short term.

Agree with her that it’s tough to have such a huge student debt. Agree with her that it will take a long time for her son’s rewards to kick in. Agree it’s great her son has good long term prospects.

Agree that your son is doing very well, and has taken a very different career route, with a less clear trajectory and certain associated risks. (By the way her son also faces risks he’ll need to manage- from burnout, alcoholism and family breakdown, if he’s a chartered accountant!)

DS left one of the big 4 after getting his charter. He took a big pay rise and better quality of life for a less certain trajectory.

Well done to your DS for sidestepping the expectations of going to uni, being saddled with debt for years and no guarantee of the "dream job". Hes learning a skill and earning money. Your SIL sounds insufferable and I would be tempted to tell her to shut up going on about it. Its none of her business

She sounds rather foolish. Ignore her.

She is being ridiculous. Her son’s salary will increase anyway, so he may end up out earning your son by quite a bit, but everyone makes their own career choices and you’d think family would be happy for each other.

She sounds deeply unpleasant and resentful.

You have to take her comments at face value, not as comments about your DS

Well, they literally are comments about the OP's DS, because she directly referenced his personal A-level results in relation to his salary.

She is being completely ignorant. you can't compare people on different career paths. Her son could have chosen to go into Construction but didn't.

She is just jealous. Yes, it might be unfair, but it is what he chose to do.

I would advise anyone to learn while you earn and get qualified rather than go to Uni and get into debt.

Yes, but it doesn’t help to feel offended. Sometimes what someone says is objectively true. It’s the fact they are saying it with a certain tone or in a pointed way which is offensive.

Objectively, it’s true that OP’s DS is less well qualified, is earning more and has less/no debt in comparison with his cousin. He has used his A level results, opportunities and hard work to good effect.

Equally, his cousin has had two gap years, a big debt and is on a trajectory that has potential to lead to a very good position eventually.

How you frame that doesn’t undermine its truth. Both can be spun to make each lad look better or worse, have had good luck or otherwise.

I’d say something like “Comparison is the thief of joy, SIL”, @Silversushi.

To be honest OP, you are clearly only coming on here to boast that your DD earns more than hers, despite not having been to uni.

No good will come of this. They are only early 20s in their first jobs! Who knows where they'll be at 30. Stop with the petty comparisons.

She has a very valid point that in many cases university is not a good option. Yet we are sold on the idea that university offers such an incredible opportunity to every young adult it is worth a couple of hundred thousand pounds worth of debt repayment.

In reality, it isn't worth it in a lot of cases.

You SIL was sold a lie. I'd be bitter too. But it isn't your fault and she shouldn't be taking it out on you

Shocked anyone knows what anyone makes, to me that’s deeply personal and would never be discussed. Don’t engage at all, she’s totally out of order

She is being unrsonable, i bet your son also works very long and hard hours DS a grad site manager averages 50 hours a week but is now, 2 years in very well paid. His grad mates i belive earn less but dont work the same. Im sure her son will match his cousin at some point.

So just say ‘God, no idea, and to be honest, no interest. Now, rugby!’