Engagement, elopement, general sadness

[CMay922]

For context my parents got divorced two years ago and I’m an only child.

I recently got engaged to my partner of 7 years and the father of my daughter. I am ecstatic about it and really didn’t expect it as we are moving house soon and I just truly did not think he’d ask, let alone do it in the lovely, personal way that he did.

I announced to my mum first and got a very flat reaction, then to my dad who said ‘congratulations’ and then proceeded to tell me about his wife’s upcoming doctors appointment… we told our wider family a few days later and again, very flat reactions. It’s been a few weeks now and we haven’t even had a congratulations card. I just feel really sad about that, especially considering I’m an only child, I thought my parents would be pleased especially as they were a bit disappointed that we weren’t married before we had our child.

I was chatting to my mum a few days ago and she basically said ‘over my dead body will I stand in a room with your father’ I obviously laughed and said ‘well, apart from my wedding right?’ ….. she proceeded to shout at me and say she wouldn’t come to my wedding if my dads there. Whilst I always dreamed of the white wedding, I’m now seriously contemplating just eloping (with our baby there!) in the summer and being done with it. It’s not what we envisioned but I can’t bear the stress of keeping everyone happy.

i guess what I want to know is am I being unreasonable to A. Be upset at the general lacklustre reaction to the news of the engagement and B. Elope and deprive my parents of seeing their only child get married?!

Congratulations! Fwiw I don't think people get overly excited about marriage nowadays. No one was excited when I got engaged either.

Your parents reactions are hurtful, but in all honesty as you’ve been together nearly a decade and have a child I’d just elope anyway.

I think eloping and having a family holiday would be a far better use of your time and money. Kindly, I do think it’s less of a big deal to get married to someone you’ve been with for 7 years and have a child with. So whilst I don’t think your parents are being particularly thoughtful, nor are they being completely horrible either.

You are being perfectly reasonable, if your parents can't get a grip then elope, be happy and enjoy (if this is also what your DP wants and won't cause ructions with that side of the family).
Most divorced parents manage a few hours of being civil at their DC's wedding, if your parents can't, that's their problem, not yours.

As you already live together and have a child together I’m afraid I really don’t understand the point of engagements. Thing of the past really.

But congratulations

Not unreasonable at all. How dare she shout at you? Please don't tie yourself in knots trying to keep her happy, you'll never manage it.

Congratulations I think it’s lovely. I would be devastated not to see my child married but I wouldn’t dream of making it difficult for them by refusing to attend with anyone else etc etc. good luck whatever you decide

Congratulations I hope you have a great day

A couple getting engaged when they've been together for 7 years and who have committed to having a child together, is hardly going to illicit more than a polite congratulations from anyone, you should know that OP.

But as for the rest of it YANBU.

I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding if I thought they were going to spoil it.

I'm sorry that you've had such flat reactions - we got married when we'd been together a similar length of time and with two kids and people were still really pleased for us and we had a lovely day, so I don't think it's a non-event like some of the posters are saying here.

Just enjoy your planning and day and do what you'd actually like to do, your mum can come or not.

By the way, I did love having our kids at our wedding!

i appreciate some people are thinking ‘why bother’ re. the engagement when we’ve been together a while and have a baby, that was my thoughts too really until he asked! 😆 I do understand I shouldn’t expect too much fanfare - that’s a fair point!

looks like we’ll be spending the wedding budget on a nice elopement/holiday hybrid. Hopefully should my daughter choose to get married one day she will know I’ll be there no matter what, even if I end up hating her dads guts ha!!

You need to live your life for YOU, do what’s best for you and your partner. I do understand where you’re coming from when your thinking about your mum and dad though but you can’t keep everyone happy all of the time and life is way to short to worry about everyone.

Your mum obviously doesn’t like your dad and you will get people come on here and say she should put her feelings aside but it’s not that easy, my mum was the same. I respected her feelings and would never have expected her to swallow them or how she felt about my wedding. Your mums clearly got strong feelings about it all. I started looking at my mum in a different light after that in that she was a woman who’d been hurt and I respected that and understood it.

We eloped, you don’t owe anyone anything, do what makes you happy.

It’s rotten that they weren’t excited for you but you’re in control of
your own happiness, you’re not in control of how they feel, that’s up to them.

Congratulations on your engagement 🥰

Congratulations!

Honestly, given their reaction, the length of your relationship, and the fact you have a child, I’d arrange a very small wedding without them, go off and do it, and tell them afterwards.

Life is too short to pander to these joy sponges.

Go off and have a great day.

You could also bring friends if you have good ones- elope on a little holiday with them if they can afford it?

Congratulations.

There's something seriously wrong with people who csn't be happy for their children.

I’m really sorry you got each reaction from your parents. That they can’t celebrate the engagement of their only child because they’re too wrapped up in themselves. Selfish and ungenerous of them.

There are some miseries on this thread. If you cba to show excitement and joy for something your close family member or friend is clearly excited about and keen to tell you, you're a twat. It's not hard to spend 5 mins showing a bit of enthusiasm is it?

And unless your dad has been abusive or something, your mum needs to put her feelings aside for the day.

But yes elope OP, you'll probably have more fun and less stress!

Congratulations!

My parents are divorced and I’d never be able to put them peacefully in the same room, so for my peace of mind I want to elope too. No way I’m wasting my wedding day trying to
manage everyone else’s feelings.

Congratulations! We can't choose our families unfortunately. The reality is your parents will turn your wedding into a nightmare.

And to be honest, at this stage of life, a big white wedding would be an enormous waste of time, money and energy.

Elope. Go somewhere you've always wanted to go, really go all out and make it special.

Have a lovely wedding in Italy, or on a Greek island. Don’t tell anyone until you’re Mr and Mrs, with lovely photos.

Congratulations.

Do the wedding you want for you and your DH. Send your invitations and leave your guests to it.

We had similar that DH's mum said she wouldn't come to our wedding if his dad was invited. Unfortunately he gave in to her demands.

However, when our first baby arrived I said all grandparents would be invited to her Christening, birthdays etc and it was entirely up to them if they attended or not. They managed to all attend and be polite to each other.

If you give in to your mum's demands now expect the same to continue for all other family events for evermore unless you say no to it from the start.

I disagree. I don’t want you to think your parents and families reaction is normal. We got engaged after 6 years together and my family were over the moon. My best friend almost 10 years together with a child, again lots of excitement and happiness, cards, even an engagement party. Their behaviour is shitty. They are making your engagement about their divorce.

Unless you have lots of friends that would make up for their lack lustre reaction, I’d elope, probably abroad, somewhere warm and beautiful. I’d combine it with a lovely holiday somewhere. Get ready for the crocodile tears on your return that they weren’t part of your big day. Then flick them the V’s.

Huge congratulations. Have a magical day wherever you tie the knot!

You are hardly ‘eloping’. Organise the wedding that you and DP want. Invite both parents then it’s up to them if they accept. I would not worry about denying your mother seeing her only child get married when she clearly put her own feelings about your father first. That’s a horrible thing to do to your child. Best of luck.

Congratulations lovel! Elope, I think you are never going to get the support or engagement you want from either of your parents. They both sound very selfish. Remember this the next time the share news or ask for support.
an elopement with your little one could be beautiful and relaxed without the drama your parents might create.

DHs parents were like this. We’d been together 3 years and didn’t have children yet. His mum managed a very short congratulations and then started talking about how they might sell their house. That was it.

I wish we’d eloped at that point. They got worse and worse during wedding planning and then afterwards, and we barely speak to them now.

If I could do it again, I’d cut my losses and elope!