To have blocked my friend

[Peekaboooooo]

My friend (of 16 years) broke up with her ex partner a few months ago. Myself and dh were friends with him too but not especially close. The relationship was ended by her but it then emerged that she had been having an affair. Her ex understandably took this really hard and his mental health plumetted so myself and dh supported him. He was almost suicidal.

Just to add a bit of context, my friend is 40, has BPD but in recent times hasn't seen this in herself so much, even when others have. She's still married to another man who's much older than herself, they work together and she even bought the house next door to him recently, even though they're no longer together, and she's moved in there with her elderly parents. No children. She's now in a relationship with the man she was having an affair with.

She's always been quite driven by money and possessions and can be quite manipulative and calculating to get what she wants.
Despite all of this, I've always been there for her and have reached out to her. I've never said anything unkind to her and have just always been loyal.

However, her ex (that we are still friends with) sent me some screenshots of messages between them after the break up and she said some really nasty things about me and my family. It really shocked me as it wasn't like I'd had any sort of problem or confrontation with her. What really effected me was that some of it was about my children who are only little. My son has special needs and one of the comments was that's she's convinced he'll go to prison one day. I found that upsetting to think that someone I thought was a friend could say something like that.

When I blocked her about 6 weeks ago, I explained why and she apologised. However she turned it all around on her ex and blamed him for her behaviour and emotions. Although her ex has his own issues for sure, in no way did he goad her into saying those things about me.

Since then, I've been questioning myself, thinking, did I do the right thing by blocking her and effectively ending our friendship. Part of me wants answers as to why she said those things and whether she'd always thought them and was our friendship actually just one sided. I realise that her BPD explains quite a lot of her behaviour and I feel for her in that respect but is that a reason to let her back into my life when she's been so unkind. From what mutual friends have shown me, she's appearing quite happy on social media but who knows if that's real.

Part of me wants her to know how hurt I am still but AIBU?

Interested in any opinions on this as I keep churning it over and getting nowhere

What would an explanation achieve? Do you hope to understand her better? Why?
She sounds troubled and nasty with it. Why do you want that in your life? Just let her go and stop wasting your time churning it over.

I would question why he showed you those messages? It’s game playing on his part.

I understand you wanting answers but I doubt that whatever she says is going to give you closure.

@houseofisms yes, I have questioned that too. I do feel like myself and my dh were caught in the middle between their break up. I think the ex wanted to show me what she was really like but maybe he shouldn't have shown me, I don't know.

Id stop enganging with the pair of them. It sounds draining

She wrote the messages because she’s a twat

He showed them to you because he’s a twat (and untrustworthy in sharing previous private conversations)

Fire both of them off.

Please take the advice on here and stay away from the pair of them, it all sounds very toxic.

Did you get to see his responses to the messages? If you did and he was defending you, then he’s clearly a friend. If not, then you need to worry about what he was saying too.

I think you’ve done the right thing. She is in the wrong, not you. Don’t let the distance draw you into thinking you’re guilty, in my experience that’s how toxic people work. They want you to do the running around for them.

it can be a mix at times all the best op

You won't get anywhere by trying to get her to understand what she's said has deeply hurt you - she doesn't sound like she has much empathy. I think you should step away from both her and the ex and leave them to sort out their own drama. They both sound exhausting. Concentrate on your own family and stop getting drawn into other people's drama.

@UnhappyHobbit yes I saw his responses too and he was defending me.

We have distanced ourselves from him too now. More so because I feel like he needed our support at the time for about 3 weeks over the Christmas period and we were happy to give it. However, once he started to feel better, we didn't hear from him. So kind of feel a bit used.

Id stay away from the pair of them

Maybe I have some guilt knowing that she has BPD but even so, there should be boundaries and she overstepped the mark

Agree with this. You sound like a really normal decent human - you can do better than having people like this in your life. Spend your time with the people who treat you well and deserve it. Don’t look back.

This!

Avoid them both and movevonnwith your life peacefully.

So she is blaming someone else for her behaviour, yeah not not buying it (I don't mean anything about the OP just the ex friend)

Maybe I’m being a bit dense about acronyms here, but does BPD stand for bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder? Either way, I still don’t think you should remain involved with this friend. She’s already shown you who she is with her treatment of her ex - that she’s said such unpleasant things about you and your children only confirms that she’s not a true friend.

It appears that you've been naïve about what kind of person she actually is. I get it, and have been all too guilty of the following; We assume the best, and we don't ask enough questions, we assume people have the same morals, values and standards as us.
Stay away from her and her ex, and focus on your own family. Most people are just people we know, not true friends. She meant what she said about your kids. Move on xo

In a situation like this, you're either friends with the person and their mental illness - or you decide you can't live with part of that, so the whole deal has to go.

It doesn't really matter, but I'm curious as to whether you mean bipolar or borderline? Both can have cataclysmic effects when not properly medicated, mind you, and both can make people overly dependent on friends' support.

I agree the ex-boyfriend doesn't sound like a great friend, either.

I think blocking is often childish. In this case I would block and not look back. You won't get answers.

Sounds like you’ve done yourself a massive favour by disengaging with her and you could do yourself another by disengaging with someone who thinks it’s a good idea to show you messages putting your children down. He could have just told you that she hasn’t been a good friend to you and has said many unkind and untrue things.

You’re too involved in this drama. Step back from both of them. Him sharing the messages is him shit stirring. You don’t need an explanation, she’s made her bed.

I think BPD (and from the context I assume you mean borderline personality?) can explain some over the top responses to imagined insults, people being more ‘needy’, more tendency to argue. It is lovely if you can be forgiving of those things.
It does not explain being downright nasty about a friends kids. That is just someone being nasty. No, you don’t have to unblock her. No, you can probably never be friends again. No, you will never get a satisfactory answer to why she did it/ what she has thought about you all along.
I am so sorry this has happened to you.