To feel sad, but not guilty

[SummerFate]

Bit of a strange one…

I suffered quite a bit of bullying at school, but I did have a friendship group. None of us were particularly happy at school, which I think was a big part of us sticking together. Most of us decided not to stay on for sixth form - a couple got jobs, and a couple of others went onto training courses. I decided to do my A Levels at the local college instead. Only one of us, Cathy, who was super-academic (to the point her GCSE results made the papers) stayed on.

I tried to keep in touch with all my friends, but they didn’t really make the same effort, and to be honest I think we all enjoyed having new friends. Only Cathy made a concerted effort, for which I was grateful. But it became obvious quite quickly that we didn’t have a lot in common one-on-one. Also, she got quite snooty about our other friends, and how they’d never get anywhere in life without their A Levels; I found it quite difficult.

I never fell out with Cathy, but after university I saw less and less of her. I eventually moved away and didn’t keep in touch. Anyway, I went to a school reunion recently, and was shocked to hear someone had said he’d heard Cathy had died. I only heard this second hand, so I don’t know any of the details or even if it’s definitely true. There’s certainly no trace of her on social media, but I can’t imagine she would ever have been interested in it anyway. She also has/had a very common name, so wouldn’t be easy to find online.

Obviously it’s terrible if it’s true. But onto my AIBU… I was talking to someone from school about it, and she was very shocked too. She said it was very sad news but that “you mustn’t feel guilty”. I was a bit taken aback and asked what she meant. She said “Well, I know you sort of drifted apart after uni. But you couldn’t have known this would happen.”

I honestly found it odd that she’d even thought about it in those terms. Of course I’m sad (assuming it’s true) - it’s terrible to think of someone so young dying. But guilty? I just don’t see it. Should I have made more effort to see her just in case something happened to her one day? We all die. Most of us are lucky enough not to die young, but no one escapes it. A friendship that wasn’t working wouldn’t suddenly have started working if I’d had the knowledge she wouldn’t be around forever.

So do I have anything to be guilty about?

Well assuming you aren't about to drip feed that you pushed her under a bus then of course you shouldn't feel guilty, and I don't know why anyone would even mention that.

Absolutely not. Life is short, so spend it how you want with who.you want.

Obviously it's sad when people die, especially young or unexpected etc but we can't all pretend to be friend with everyone in case they die? I find it such a strange thing for someone to have said. Like, you didn't kill Cathy... why would you be guilty?

How on earth could you possibly be to blame for someone dying? Unless there’s a drip feed?

Gosh there was a lot of additional detail in there!

No guilt needed.

Have you been able to find out whether she has actually passed away?
I was told an old uni friend of mine had died, only to find she was alive and well and living in Gloucester, having walked out on her husband and going NC with her sister.

Why didn't you dismiss this nonsense in the moment? A quick 'What the fuck are you talking about?' would have done the trick.

Not that it would mean you should feel guilty, but was it suicide? That's the only reason I could think someone would say you shouldn't feel guilty. If she had ended her own life and had no friends I could see why someone might feel the need to reassure you that you shouldn't feel guilty.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. As someone who was also bullied at school I don't think it's unusual to not want to be around people from a difficult time in your life and want to move on. It doesn't mean that you blame these people though, just some people find it better for their mental health.

In any case it doesn't sound like this friendship would have worked if you don't get on that well and don't live near each other, you need at least one of those things.

Am very confused as to why anyone would think you have anything to feel guilty about?

Someone you once knew may have died - provided the death had nothing to do with you, I don't get what there is to feel guilty about?

No, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Friendships drift, that’s a fact of life. You’ve done nothing wrong (and if she wanted to keep in touch, she could have made more effort!).

Someone who you had lost touch with has sadly died at a young age. No way should you feel guilty, much as you may regret not having spoken to her.

She must have felt guilty for whatever reason, it has nothing to do with you. Of course you don't feel guilty everytime you grow apart.

If you are in a class of 30 kids, imagine how many people you meet and grow apart after 6 years (x 30) of Primary schools and 4 or 5 years of secondary (again x 30 people in the class)

It's insane 😂

Sorry, accidentally pressed yabu 😫

Could she have been depressed and suicidal? And the comment was a very bad attempt at trying to reassure you about any guilt you might feel about not staying in touch? Rather than suggest that you should feel guilty?

Who knew detail was a bad thing?

There isn’t anything to feel guilty about. Friendships sometimes drift, non-acrimoniously. Nothing to see here.

But the basic scenario is ‘An old school friend I hadn’t seen in many years died’. It’s not clear what the bullying and not staying on for A levels or her degree had to do with anything, unless you actually do think it was your job to save the life of someone you’d barely seen since your schooldays and latterly didn’t much like?

Forgive me - I hadn’t realised people were planning to critique my post 🙄

That's literally what you asked people to do

I asked for advice, not a review from the fucking literary critic of The Times.

You didn't ask for advice in what to do, you asked if your friend was being unreasonable in saying what she said. To be able to answer that, that requires a critique of your post.

I think the consensus is that what she said makes no sense - unless there's something you're not telling us?

Is there more to this OP? Did she take her own life due to you bullying her etc which is the only thing I can think of. If not then you have nothing to feel guilty about

I think op was one of her friends, not a bully.

We were both bullied; we didn’t do the bullying.

I don’t know how she died, or even that it’s definitely true. I was just a bit thrown by the “You shouldn’t feel guilty” comment. Anyway, it seems like most people agree I shouldn’t!

I would have been thrown by that comment too, and would have asked why they thought I would feel guilty about her death?

A few friends from school/uni have sadly died, and whilst I might regret not keeping in touch I certainly don't carry any guilt for their death.