To feel sad, but not guilty

[SummerFate]

Bit of a strange one…

I suffered quite a bit of bullying at school, but I did have a friendship group. None of us were particularly happy at school, which I think was a big part of us sticking together. Most of us decided not to stay on for sixth form - a couple got jobs, and a couple of others went onto training courses. I decided to do my A Levels at the local college instead. Only one of us, Cathy, who was super-academic (to the point her GCSE results made the papers) stayed on.

I tried to keep in touch with all my friends, but they didn’t really make the same effort, and to be honest I think we all enjoyed having new friends. Only Cathy made a concerted effort, for which I was grateful. But it became obvious quite quickly that we didn’t have a lot in common one-on-one. Also, she got quite snooty about our other friends, and how they’d never get anywhere in life without their A Levels; I found it quite difficult.

I never fell out with Cathy, but after university I saw less and less of her. I eventually moved away and didn’t keep in touch. Anyway, I went to a school reunion recently, and was shocked to hear someone had said he’d heard Cathy had died. I only heard this second hand, so I don’t know any of the details or even if it’s definitely true. There’s certainly no trace of her on social media, but I can’t imagine she would ever have been interested in it anyway. She also has/had a very common name, so wouldn’t be easy to find online.

Obviously it’s terrible if it’s true. But onto my AIBU… I was talking to someone from school about it, and she was very shocked too. She said it was very sad news but that “you mustn’t feel guilty”. I was a bit taken aback and asked what she meant. She said “Well, I know you sort of drifted apart after uni. But you couldn’t have known this would happen.”

I honestly found it odd that she’d even thought about it in those terms. Of course I’m sad (assuming it’s true) - it’s terrible to think of someone so young dying. But guilty? I just don’t see it. Should I have made more effort to see her just in case something happened to her one day? We all die. Most of us are lucky enough not to die young, but no one escapes it. A friendship that wasn’t working wouldn’t suddenly have started working if I’d had the knowledge she wouldn’t be around forever.

So do I have anything to be guilty about?

But why do you think all of that is relevant? You clearly do, otherwise you wouldn't have included it all, but to an observer, it seems as if it's purely a matter of an old school friend you hadn't seen in years having possibly died, possibly by suicide.

The only peculiar thing here is that the person who told you appeared to feel that she needed to reassure you that you shouldn't feel 'guilty'. Was that person quite strange during your school days? Because it's a deeply weird thing to say.

Not only would I not feel guilty, I'd be annoyed with the person who implied that maybe you should (even though she framed it as 'you mustn't'). I'd probably make it clear to her (if you haven't already) that of course you don't feel guilty. You don't owe sustained lifelong contact with everyone you're ever friendly with. Drifting is a natural part of life.

OP maybe this person did feel guilty and what she's saying is more about her than you.

YANBU, the only thing I can think of is perhaps Cathy perceived it differently and expressed that to this person? Did you ghost her? Not respond to messages?

Just out of interest, can I ask why you went to a reunion when you hated school life, didn’t have many meaningful friendships and lost touch with everyone? I liked school, had a few friends, one of whom is my best friend still, and wouldn’t dream of going to a reunion. I’m just wondering why you went?

But why do you think all of that is relevant? You clearly do, otherwise you wouldn't have included it all, but to an observer, it seems as if it's purely a matter of an old school friend you hadn't seen in years having possibly died, possibly by suicide.

Because if I hadn’t, people would have asked “How close were you? Why did you stop seeing her? Did you fall out?” And I’ve been on Mumsnet long enough to know that, if you don’t include all the information, some posters will simply invent it - your suicide suggestion being a case in point.

Just out of interest, can I ask why you went to a reunion when you hated school life, didn’t have many meaningful friendships and lost touch with everyone? I liked school, had a few friends, one of whom is my best friend still, and wouldn’t dream of going to a reunion. I’m just wondering why you went?

I’m back in touch with a school friend and we had an “I will if you will” discussion. We figured that if it was horrendous, we could always slope over somewhere else and get drunk 😁

Why hell should you feel guilty? Friendships drift all the time, especially after a few years; it would almost be more noteable if you were still friends. And unless she had a medical condition of which you were the only doctor in the country with specialist methods for treating - why on earth would her death, sad though it is, be ANYTHING to do with you?