Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

@YourOpenShaker I'm sure it's been mentioned I've not read the thread
Probably talking about polar bears by now but has your son been raised with money management ?has he been part of discussions around money ,budgeting savings and investing so it's second nature to him ?

A lot of teens suddenly get money at 18 and their parents are surprises when they spend it all and yet have not had one iota of money training.

I personally think travelling is a wonderful thing to do and a great time to do it whilst young and able. It will have hugely expanded everything about him .

However 50 on it !
Imagine if he had budgeted

My ex is doing the same with our adult children. Late 20’s and they are still at home living off him because he enables it. The kids with me are independent and have an sense of what money is worth.

someone with a degree from Oxford? really?

From someone wasting their time on MN? Classic 😂

I don't bat an eyelid if someone want to go travelling, and judge the CV on its merits. My company also offer up to 12 career breaks.

Cut him off from further inheritance. If you can. I know someone exactly like that, done absolutely fuck all with his life, getting older now and it's really sad. No, it's not normal to spunk 50k on partying. Your husband is delusional on that point. And likely blinded to just how fucking stupid your son is. I really feel your pain here.

100% agree..only young once.

I spent a lot of money in my 20s travelling, drinking, having a great time and experiencing life. Now I’m married with kids I don’t regret a single minute of it.

I feel sad for adults who waste their 20s working and saving money and just waiting to retire to enjoy life.

Give them a kick in the arse to they can apwnd their lives doing the same boring shit we do..lawyer, quant, CFO..

Couples counselling? So the husband can become some boring generic bland career robot too?
he’s said he’s inspired by his son and it’s clearly given the husband a new lease of life too, how absolutely brilliant for the son to see he has helped his dad to see an alternative life of joy too, what a wonderful gift they’ve given each other

The point is though, that it's really hard to save up that kind of money (eg for a deposit) while you're also paying out normal living expenses. This money was a gift which should have bought him some financial security for the future.

My Son also got a PhD from Oxford in Physics, comes from a working class family and went to a state school. Worded incredibly hard. Has just spent £70k (some inheritance, some gifts and some savings) sailing round the world, gave up his job and any chance of getting on the property ladder. But after working so damn hard in Oxford I don’t blame him. Life’s too short, and travelling is amazing.

Nephew at Oxford. He plays really hard, and on track for 2:1.

Yanbu. I think 23 is old enough to be sensible with money. I'd have given guidance that it ought to be saved for a deposit. I'd not give him more money now, he needs to graft and learn the value of money.

I had a mortgage and FY job at 21, as do many people.

I have to say from my school group of privileged friends only 3 of us have stable careers and only 4 of us are living independently of our parents’ hand outs.

I was shocked even at 21 by how little ambition it turned out my friends had and how content they were to rely on their families’ money. We are all now 30+ and 4 of my friends are still living on family hand outs and pursuing random side-quest style employment.

EDIT: all that to say, sometimes setting them up well doesn’t teach the value of earning money.

He may live to regret things if he spends the next 30 years paying the mortgage / Viking River Cruises of a landlord.

I don't think this is a genuine post.

Or OP is lying about being an Oxford graduate

I’m genuinely surprised by how many people are blaming you for trusting your adult son with his inheritance. I don’t know anyone who was given a large amount that has frittered it away. I too would be immensely disappointed.

It sounds like the real problem here is your husband modelling poor behaviour and living vicariously through his son. If you’ve cut your son off from further financial support then he’ll sink or swim on his own merit and learn life lessons as they come. But I’d be concerned that your husband would simply bail him out again, and would want assurances from him that he’ll let your kids learn the value of what they have.

Good on him. I'd be proud of him.

So did I but I also wasn't really presented with any alternative ways of living. I also hadn't achieved the maturity to think outside the box. I followed the expected path rather than knowing I could have other dreams.

Disappointed with his father.

This comes across as pretty unkind, and to be honest, like on some level you do want him to suffer. "Back in my day..." and all that...

Your DS hasn’t wasted it. He’s seen so much of the world. That great experience will stay with him for the rest of his life. You should be pleased you were able to provide this for your DS before he joins the world of work (for 45 years), continuous bills, and no doubt a life full of responsibilities once kids are on the seen. He’s worked extremely hard at school and university and deserved a break. He’s a very lucky lad.

I went travelling at 24, paid for it myself though, and still at 48 yo it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I love that I’ve seen so much of the world, and the work, mortgage, marriage and kids followed. Your son will never get the freedom he has now once he settles down. He’s done the right thing! I hope my kids do similar when old enough.

"I love my son and will support him on whatever he does"

This is so at odds with everything else you have said - do you really not see that?

The statement does seem to apply to your husband, and it sounds like this is your son's opinion too.

I’d be more annoyed at my husband giving him 9k more but you gave him it you can’t then be annoyed at how he spent it.
you could have sat him down snd talked about maybe investing some, etc rather than blowing it all in travel

This is the post that makes me think this whole story is a ripping yarn.

The standard of writing is not from someone who went to Oxford in the 80s. I’m even doubting the 80s by the kind of ages insinuated in the posts.