Sleepover dilemma

[Startrekobsessed]

My sons best friends parents won’t allow sleepover's at someone else’s house until their son is 15 (fair enough). They are fine for children to come to theirs though.

They have invited my son to a sleepover (directly to him not through me which I dislike in the first instance) and I’ve said no. I don’t like this concept that they think we aren’t safe but they automatically are. I also find their parenting style quite uncomfortable and hands on, always tickling the children and chasing them around the playground. I know they mean nothing by it but I’m not a fan.

we have had other kids over for a sleepover and my son has gone to other friends houses, they are 9. My son has asked why he can’t go and I’ve made up a crappy excuse but need to address this properly.

AIBU not letting him go? And how do I explain this to him?

If you feel like he is safe and you'd let him go to other parents then you are being unreasonable because you're upsetting your son just to have a dig at the parents. If you wouldn't let him go even if the parents would let their son come to you then you're not being unreasonable.

I don’t like this concept that they think we aren’t safe but they automatically are.

If this is the main reason why then yes YABU. You’re saying no to be petty

If you are uncomfortable with their parenting style that in itself is good reason to stop him going. But I would say that’s reason for him not to go at all, not just banning sleepovers. If this is really just tit for tat then that’s daft.

I think your perspective is a bit skewed as you feel personally offended.
If you don’t trust the parents then that’s one thing and fair enough, but it’s very common now (rightly so imo) for parents not allow their children sleepover. So it’s a bit unfair if this is the real reason behind not letting your son go.

If you aren’t happy for him to go there then of course you should trust your gut and say no, 9 is still quite young for sleepovers with people you don’t know well.
If the only reason you don’t want him to go is to get back at the other parents though then you’re being petty

I think you're being unreasonable. We don't allow our son for sleepovers because he's a prolific sleepwalker - his friends are welcome to stay at ours though.

There was a very similar thread from the other parents pov and she was handed her arse to think she was safer than any other parent.

I think in these circumstances id let him go but then if all boys attending reciprocate, the poor lads gonna feel so left out...... catch 22.

I don’t let my kids go to sleepovers unless I know the parents really well. I am happy to have their friends sleepover here though so we have a similar rule. It’s nothing personal to the other parents I just don’t feel comfortable having my kids sleep over with a relative stranger

I'd be petty about this if they are implying you cant be trusted, why should they be..

You're being very petty, at the expense of your DC too.

We had a similar rule with my DS. Once I knew a mum well enough I would let them in on the fact the actual reason was that DS was a bed wetter.

He can have as many sleepovers as he likes when he moves out into his own apartment 😉

The main thing is they need to speak to you first before mentioning to either of the DC. Do they tickle other people's DC?

And the point to your post is?

The CHILD is 9 years old.
Parents should safeguard their children. Whether other children or adults think otherwise !!

They are bonkers - of course you are not BU at all

Why should you trust them?

It has nothing to do with being petty or getting back at anyone, if there's no trust between the 2 sets of parents, then you would be a terrible parent to allow your child there.

I wouldn’t necessarily say no, but I would think they were a bit off to effectively be saying “we don’t trust you but please trust us”.

If you don’t like their parenting though, that’s a legitimate reason to say no I think

I think a lot of parents that are wobbly about letting their kids go on sleep overs are fine with hosting one.

Im the same really.

It's nothing personal. Could be a mixture of things. Bad experiences as a child themselves. Bad experiences recently with a sleep over at someone else's. The child themselves not actually wanting to go but not wanting to admit it to the friends.

Try not to take it personally.. Other factors could include...
Have you a ddog? Dcat? Dsnake?
Older dc?
A new dp?
You /other adult a smoker?
Cannabis user?
Dodgy politics?
Royalist?. Has she got wind you own a loo brush?
Pampas grass in your front garden?.

I would never let my children stay at anyone's house overnight. They are always welcome to have friends to stay here.

I know I am not a pedophile and neither is my DH. I cannot be so sure about others. I was abused from the age of 6-14.

If my stance offends other so be it. I care more about my children never suffering what I did.

Op can you not see it from their perspective? I have the same view. Ds will not be allowed to go to other houses for sleepovers until he's old enough that I feel he can safely manage the potential dynamics. I work in safeguarding and there's good reason for that decision. That being said, I would host a sleepover because I know I would be very vigilant, am well informed on issues such as smart phones and would plan accordingly. I have no way of knowing if another parent would approach it this way as some are more on the ball and informed than others.

If you feel these parents are inappropriate with their children then the issue is that you don't think they're safe people. So it's a no brainer that your child wouldn't go there. But if this is just you being offended that another parent hasn't automatically trusted you - a person they realistically barely know- with their child's welfare then that's ridiculous.

Personally I'd be thinking it's a good sign that they are tuned in to potential risks and are prioritising their child's welfare over social expectations. Why you have an issue with it is actually a you problem because you are choosing to take it personally even though it clearly isn't personal if it applies to everyone.

Surely you can see the many reasons why a parent may not want their kid having sleepovers until later and the difficulties children can get into when in these scenarios if not properly supported to navigate them?

Beautifully put. Exactly.

The safety and security of a child shouldn't be compromised by adults feeling under pressure to 'be fair' with their peers.

The thing is, oftentimes we might know and trust (as much as we ever can) a female mum friend. However we might know nothing about the men that could be coming and going in that house i. the evenings and night. The husband, the partner/s, the older sons, their mates ect ect.

For me it’s not about not trusting the other parent/s, it’s about wanting my own child under my roof every night whilst this young.

It just seems bizarre to me to ask another parent to allow their child to do something you personally do not consider safe for your own child.

Exactly this. I’d take a reciprocal stance @Startrekobsessed - they can’t criticise you for it after all 🤷🏻‍♀️ if there’s no mutual trust why should you place yours in them?

My dc have all been secondary school age before sleeping out.. Works for us.