To be sad that DS has passed his driving test?

[MotoMum123]

He passed at the end of last week, and I’ve barely seen him since. We spent SO many hours together over the last few months so he could practice in his car, we have some lovely talks when it’s just the 2 of us. It’s half term here so he’s off with his mates and his girlfriend, driving around, parking up somewhere like you do when you’re 17 and have literally not a care in the world!

AIBU to feel like this is the beginning of the end? Before you know it he’ll have finished his A levels, gotten a job and be moving out!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud of him, and I remember what it was like to suddenly have this freedom, and a licence to go wherever you want, whenever you want. I don’t think my parents missed me this much, but maybe they did - I’ll have to ask them 😂

Also I’m now worried about him constantly. I have to stop myself tracking his location whenever he’s driving. I’m terrified he’s going to have an accident. I know he’s a very good driver, but also he’s just a normal kid, in a car with his mates, probably wanting to show off!! This might be the scariest parenting stage yet, and in a few years I’ll be doing it all over again with DS2!

I understand totally. Mine both passed within a year (dd took ages, they're two years apart in age). With ds in particular, we spent lots of time in the car as he didn't have lessons - we taught him. Also, we moved house when they were 16 and 18, so they spent lots of time going back to our old city which involved trips to the station 25 minutes away - I missed all that chatting time. Although not the fact that I often had to pick them up at midnight or later!

I was also terrified of them driving alone, because they both have ADHD. Dd was a fairly erratic/unaware driver and ds had the tendency to think he was invincible.

Just a warning though - dd managed to get six points within 2 years of passing (just - two weeks from the deadline!) and lost her licence. Had to take both theory and practical tests again, and failed her theory once and practical twice! So we had lots more time in the car with her.... I was definitely very relieved when she finally passed again - it was about 9 months later in the end.

£2k is not that low really. Ds2’s first insurance when he was 19 (maybe just 20) was less that £1k,

Ds18 passed recently too. I'm mostly happy though because he needs to drive for work and now I don't have to take him or pick him up.

It is a worry though. He has to drive on motorways already. He has to text me when he arrives and I just have to trust he'll be sensible.

So instead of getting up early and driving him to work I lie awake in bed and worry about him driving himself to work.

He's not allowed passengers though for 3 months. That's such a risk when they're driving their mates around and showing off. I'd completely support a law banning new drivers from carrying passengers.

Ah @MotoMum123 with the way you are framing this to yourself, you are making someone else’s achievement all about you and you are making it a negative in your life. That framing would make anyone upset. It really does not have to be looked at that way.

Clearly you have a lovely relationship and clearly you love him dearly. Focus on that.

We all miss phases of our children’s childhood but it is important to focus on where things are now and how you can keep maintaining the good relationship going forward too.

I don't want to put a dampener on it but I am so bitterly jealous of you right now! My 15 year old daughter is deaf, autistic and suffers with crippling anxiety. We are trying a new medication this morning in the hope of her being able to go back to leaving the house. She'll likely have to re-do year 10 as she's been unable to access education for months now. I am not sure she'll cope with exams (she is home educated as couldn't cope with school anymore) anyway so am not sure if it is even worth re-doing but she is bright so needs to challenge the brain with something when she is well. It seems unlikely that she'll ever go to 6th form college and whilst I'd love her to learn to drive I am not sure the anxiety will go along with it. Our hopes for her future include living semi-independantly with us in our house with maybe a part time job if she can manage it. The biggest sad thing is she is "normal" enough to WANT to do what all the other teenages do and to know she can't. She is lonely. She is often both bored and prevented from doing anything by the anxiety. Maybe things will improve, hear god I hope so as the last few months have been heartbreaking, but she will never be able to cope with all things a "normal" young adult can.

I understand, I think, why you might be a bit sad to see your son spread his wings but please also be joyful that your kid gets to grow up and leave home and drive and have friends and all those great things. He will experience the great joy of being independant and whilst I am sure you'll always worry you can feel confident that he is most likely to succeed and be happy.

@clary She said £140 for TPFT and £170 fully comp. Not £2000. Those figures looked cheap even if adult insuring with dc as named drivers.

@Randomchat Motorways are the safest roads! Nearer to home is where most accidents happen. Dc taking mates out and being reckless on roads they know is the big danger.

That would be v cheap per year but she said pm, so £2k a year.

M6, you rarely get above 50, so he made a good choice to practice on. All of this has made me feel like a bad parent, I was just relieved not to be shelling out for lessons, pleased they had their independence and I had an airport taxi.

@TreeDudette I hope your DD can find a way to flourish as she deserves.

My other two dc are unlikely ever to be able to drive and earn that freedom, sadly, so I do appreciate your point. I am proud of DS2 and grateful for his success.

All understandable. Especially the fear. But spending time out with mates is standard

I feel a little similar today on my sons 16th. I see a young man before me. Now off to house parties and getting up to things no doubt. All on the horizon. It’s just balancing those feelings with realism, pride and gratitude. The alternative is worse. My son had a suspected seizure at 15, so I was worried about the possibility of not driving. Thankfully nothing since 🤞.

We live in London and I am very much not going to be on board with DS learning at 17 (he's 15 now) - or my DD's, for that matter. They don't really need to, here, and if it's not necessary, I'd prefer them to wait until early twenties with a few years more of emotional maturity. I understand the worry, and also the bittersweet nature of watching them fledge. But your DS will be thrilled to have learned. You'll have to get him giving you lifts places! I agree with those who say about limiting passengers.

It's gone up a bit recently then DS at 18 ( 3.5 years ago) was just under £800 fully comp with no black box

This is what you raise them for. To grow up and become independent. Job well done 💐🥂

BTW the black box only has an impact on late night driving if it's synched with the young driver actually driving it - so you/DH could drive it beyond the stated hours with no problems at all.

I could have written this ! I’m in exactly the same position. I feel a bit redundant as my main interaction with my teen is giving him and his friends lifts 😂 I didn’t realise it would be such a big deal to me. I’m also tracking him everywhere and can only rest when he’s back home safely. He’s my youngest too - feels so final ☹️

I'm in exactly the same position as you right now OP and I completely empathise. It's an exciting stage for them but a terrifying one as a parent.

Of course I'm proud to have raised a happy child who is getting out there in the world and I know it's a good and natural development but there is still a sense of loss. That very close part of our lives where my daughter was dependent on me or her dad for lifts and where we could chat and laugh and connect in the car every day is gone forever.

Life moves on and it will all be fine but we're allowed to have a bit of sadness inside as our children step further away from us bit by bit. And oh yes, the worry of them driving by themselves is not going away any time soon!

Aren't these lucky children to be loved so much?

My daughter didn’t learn to drive in the UK so we didn’t have the time practicing together.
She is now in the US for university.
Yesterday she got her US License and then went and bought a car. Then she drove it home. That drive was longer than she has driven alone before.
Very scary.

This was per month, apologies. So £2040 per year with both me and DH as named drivers.

Oh I didn’t realise you could tell the black box who was driving! Too late now but will keep that in mind for DS2!

Yes OP this was a massive milestone for me too (DS1 passed 3 years ago and DD passed last Feb). We live rurally so I used to drive them about a lot, and while it was helpful not to have to do that, I did miss the car chats! I've still got DS2 but he's turning 17 later this year...

That's the reason my DS didn't have a black box. He worked in a nightclub

@MotoMum123 Ah. Makes sense.

My kids passing their tests was the start of crippling anxiety for me which required therapy . I sympathise with you Op. I still worry when my kids are out driving and they’re late 20s/ early 30s now . It does get better but In the meantime tracking is probably a good idea if your son will allow it , that way you only need to worry when he’s actually on the road rather than sitting there all night wondering if he’s ok ( iyswim) .
I loved the chats too . We still have them but now it’s when my DC are driving me somewhere !