Am I too sensitive?

[Slowliving2000]

I'm 26, single and child free at present.

A few incidents occured between my sister and I since the death of our parent last year that has hurt me but my sister thinks I'm too sensitive.

A bit of background, she's my half sister we share our Mother. Our Mom married my Dad when she was two and always treated her equally to me by my Dad as have my wider paternal family.

Since our Mom died last year, I feel sidelined by her. At Christmas she said she wanted a more family focused Christmas, celebrating at home with family. I was, however, welcomed to pop by on Christmas morning to deliver gifts. I was surprised to find her PIL, sister in law and her children there, dressed in their pjs. It was then I found out my sister's in laws were spending a few days over the holidays. I spent Christmas day with my paternal aunt and her family.

Early in the new year, I mentioned to my sister I felt hurt and sidelined. She laughed saying I'm too sensitive and I wouldn't have enjoyed it as I have no family of my own. For harmony's sake, I let it go. Since then, she rarely answers or returns my calls, is too busy to meet for coffee and declines my offers to meet her at soft play.

Fast forward now, it's my niece's birthday at the weekend, again, it will be a family focused celebration but I can call the day before her birthday to deliver her gift and perhaps babysit so sister and her husband can go out for dinner. Again I told my sister I'm hurt by her treatment of me, and although I love my niece, I'll visit with her present but I'm unable to babysit. My sister is now angry with me, I'm too sensitive and not willing to support her by not babysitting. Apparently, since our Mom died, she has very little support. I pointed out, she declined all invitations to meet up and excluded me from family celebrations when previously I would've been invited with our Mom. My sister still thinks I'm being too sensitive and told me her and our Mom frequently met up without me because I have nothing in common with Moms and wouldn't have enjoyed it.

Is this normal behaviour towards a child free sibling?
Am I being too sensitive?

That's really mean of her to exclude you like that! You might find that your relationship improves if you end up having children as she will have more in common with you then. My sister and I became closer after I had a child.

Also she's crazy for not inviting the child-free aunt to things, they're the ones with energy to play and give parents a break (not that you owe them this). I've been excluded by some friends as soon as they had kids but luckily I have a sister and very close friend who had kids before me and never did that. I have a child now and wish I had friends with no kids!

I think having a year with her IL’s at Christmas is fine. Lots of families do year about.

Not wanting to meet up at other times is a shame.

Am I right that she didn't invite you to your niece's party but wanted you to babysit, then got annoyed when you wouldn't do unpaid work for her?

If I am right about that then she's incredibly self centred and I'd wonder if you're losing much by not having her in your life.

Does that not appear transactional? Your only worth aligned with being a parent?

I have two half siblings and I know one has the mindset that the half we share isn’t worth future relationships when they parents are gone.

I think you need to stop having expectations because she’s not going to change and suddenly value you. You came as an extra with your mother and now the mother isn’t there she doesn’t seem to value your relationship as siblings. I know my half sibling focusses
on the half rather than sibling part and as hard as it is for you having lost a mother and now it seems a sister, it’s not worth your emotional effort trying to fix it. Stay on the peripheral but don’t become the babysitter unless she values you as a sister. She’s being mean and possibly playing out childhood anger at you coming along as a baby and ruining her time with her mum. Never underestimate how long adults can carry that resentment.

That's correct. I was invited to drop off my niece's gift and babysit which was incredibly hurtful

It's not you.

She laughed saying I'm too sensitive

This alone is not behaviour to tolerate.

When someone says you're too sensitive its a form of verbal abuse and gaslighting designed to invalidate your feelings, deflect accountability, and make you doubt your perceptions. It is a manipulation tactic used to defend abusive behavior by shifting blame onto your reaction rather than the disrespect itself.

She isnt a nice person, she doesnt value you, or your relationship. This isnt a relationship you can save, because you cant control her actions. You can only control your reaction. You cant make her love you, you cant make her respect you, you cant make her value you. You can only decide if you are willing to tolerate her behaviour; and if you will continue to let her be around you to treat you how she does.

To clarify, I don't use my child free friends, I was the child free friend and loved to help them. Even now I have my own child, I make time to see them without him so that I can help them. I think anyone with kids should be grateful when they have friends or siblings wanting to support them in that way. I don't think they should expect it though.

I also rarely see my sister as she doesn't live nearby but we live similar lives now we both have children so we talk more as a result. That's not transactional as we literally get nothing from eachother, we've never babysat for eachother or anything, just have more in common now.

Ignore that poster OP, everything they have said is completely transactional and not the basis for a functional relationship.

Your sister is being very cruel, and in your shoes I would take a step back and do my own thing to be honest, you’re worth more than just being an unpaid babysitter or an afterthought.

Everything in your post was transactional. You don’t just have people in your life for their utility at that point in time - it’s a terrible way to view your relationships.

She sounds mean, my sisters and I would never treat each other like this. She may be jealous of your single and responsibility-free life therefore projecting. It also sounds as though she is competing with you for who was mum's 'favourite'.

Where’s your Dad?

She’s being a dick.

Thank you for those posters who helped me feel I'm not unreasonable.
Unfortunately, my Dad died a few years ago. Being without parents, I thought my sister and I would be a source of support to each other.

She's nasty. You're not sensitive. Excluding you is bad enough, doing it so soon after you lost your mother is worse, actually using the reason for excluding you being that you don't have family is disgusting. To try and use you for babysitting and then get angry when you don't is awful. I'd not do any favours for her again.

Exactly this! She sounds awful.

I'm sorry OP, she sounds very selfish and obviously doesn't value the relationship with you as a sibling. My sister is single and child free and has always been at all our family celebrations and holidays and our children are close to her. It's a shame that having lost both your parents, she isn't willing to include you in family celebrations. But you don't want to be where you're not wanted and loved. Concentrate on the people in your life who do love and appreciate you and stop making the effort with her.

Were you actually close before your mother passed? Is it possible you are reaching for a deeper bond due to being younger and having less family, and she’s just not either interested or aware that’s what you want?

She sounds like a right cow. 'Family focused celebration'? You ARE her family!

Yes, we were close, she's 6 years older than me and I always looked up to her. I moved away for university while she went to university local to home and remained living at home throughout her studies. I moved home after graduation, and our relationship hadn't changed too much, we still went out for lunches, had family celebrations together and I was bridesmaid at her wedding.
Our relationship changed so much since our Mom passed away

Your sister sounds a bit like mine - pretty awful really. I’ve not fallen out with her but I keep a distance unless it’s birthday etc, then it’s a present. Try to concentrate on your other friends/family otherwise you’ll keep getting hurt.

Looks to me like she just wants you to deliver presents and provide babysitting.
I would tell her that I feel excluded and you really only want benefits from me and do not feel you need to reciprocate.
I think you have handled this very well- being told you are too sensitive is just a way of shutting down your concerns. I suspect your sister is jealous of your child-free status- since she seems to bring it up so much.

Don't accept this awful behaviour, sister or not. Why would she be angry because you cannot babysit? Why can you only come over to drop gifts off and not attend the events? I would be having an extremely brutal conversation with her and be prepared to not speak again. My mind does also go to the 'is she okay' is her husband not wanting you around, does she have some jealousy from childhood? That's the brutal conversation to be had

She’s behaving horribly to you, but this does sound out of character? If it’s only since your mum passed, do you think she finds you difficult to be around for some reason relating to that? Not to justify her actions, but maybe she’s not coping well at all with the loss of your mum and is pushing you away for some reason.