To wonder why people don’t use the safety tools available when blending a family?

[lunar1]

I just can’t understand in this day and age why anyone would bring an unrelated adult into their children’s home without doing clairs/sarah’s law checks?

none of us think someone we love could harm us or our children, but it happens on a daily basis. Isn’t it just due diligence these days? No they won’t catch everyone, but they will catch some.

its a shame it’s not compulsory before bringing a random adult into children’s home.

Firstly, most of us don’t bring a “random adult” into our homes.
How do you know when you get married to a “random adult” that in the future that person won’t harm you or the childreN you have? How about your father or brother or brother in law? Do you do “due diligence “ on them when you have children? Or is them being “related” making them safe to be around?
I’m not trying to be snarky but the suggestion that we move randoms into our homes is quite the leap.

Probably because doing so requires you to actively acknowledge that you don’t trust either of your own judgement or that person.

And most people don’t chose to bring people into their lives that they don’t trust.

How many times have you done one?
For a child’s friend parent becayse they go and play there, for a family member who comes into your home, for a ‘…… in law’ of any kind.

Nobody wants to think that we have bad judgment, but that doesn’t change the fact that unrelated adults in the home, especially men, significantly increase the risk to our children.

adults working with children are all vetted, why not partners?

Related adults pose a bigger risk.

Are we to do a check on our fathers, brothers, uncles, male cousins too?

Adults working with children are vetted because parents are entrusting their children to a stranger, who they don’t know anything about. Few people think that their own partner is likely to be someone who will harm children and ultimately it wouldn’t be practical for the police to be running checks on men every single time a woman with children enters a relationship with a man. As other posters have said, nobody does a check on their husband before they decide to have children with him, or their own dad or brother before allowing them to be grandad or uncle, which would be the logical conclusion if we think all men who are going to be around children are a potential risk to them.

I had 2 long term relationships when my DC were growing up after exDH left
One was with an ex who I had known for years and we had remained friends
The other was also a long term friend of both myself and exDH - although the relationship ran its course after 8 years we are still friends
I would not have considered ‘random men’ appropriate to bring into DC lives without a long term lead in

I would do a check on a new partner. However the checks can also give a false sense of security as they are so narrow.

My ex is working with children despite being referred to social work and MARAC for abusing me and our children. He has no contact with one of our children but still gets to work in schools. Womens aid told me he would come up clear on a check because it only covers convictions and charges (I didn't press charges die to lack of evidence).

Exactly. It’s as though the OP thinks single parents are moving folk in and out at the drop of a hat.
Single parents are not irresponsible idiots regardless of what the media may wish people to believe. We do know how to put our children first!

I've been with my dp for almost 7 years, we are starting to think about moving in together and probably will next year.

I won't be doing either check on him first because I've left it a decent amount of time so I know him very well. He isn't a random man, and I was actually with the father of my kids for less time before we had kids so he was more random than dp was.

You can only speak for yourself.

Sadly many SP are irresponsible in the men they bring into their children's lives. Some put their need for affection, company and sex before their children. I know many CSA survivors who became victims in that classic scenario.

Even on here on MN at a lower level you will constantly see stories of women who have got into a relationship with a man who is not an abuser, but comes with baggage, like more kids or no job, and it doesn't work out, making their own kids miserable.

I very much doubt you can request a Clare's Law or Sarah's Law disclosure on a whim because you've met a random bloke and you want him checked out. I suspect you need a reason to ask.

One of the things I am most ashamed of in my life is the fact that, not once but twice, I expected my por daughter to live with a guy who was not her father..... Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking. There was a degree of financial struggle yes, but I can't pin it all on that. I just don't think I allowed myself to think clearly about what it would be like for her.

Anyway, I have promised myself I will not cohabit again until she is 18. I think if available, this SHOULD be avoided - by all means date, but why the rush to live together?

And when it can't be avoided, then yes all checks should be made. And a decent man will not object to this.

good for you.. naive, but good for you. Doesn’t mean people shouldn’t properly carry out whatever checks available to them

Why not Uncles? Grandparents? Older brothers? Cousins? Neighbours? Family friends?

Where do you draw the line?

If your new partner is a normal person, it’s not even going to cross your mind to do a police check.

Yes, it’s good that it exists, but it’s not something you think to do.

They type of person who has a police history for serious crimes is likely to be a walking red flag in the first place.

I really don’t understand single mum’s who move someone in. Selfish? Desperate? I don’t know.

I became a single mum when I had a 2 year old and a 6 week old. I stayed single for 10 years. It just wasn’t worth it; I wouldn’t introduce someone to them so I’d have very limited time to date, and I’d never move someone in so any relationship would have a limit.

i started dating when they were 10 and 12, as they’re easier to leave at grandparents at that age and not as dependent. Met someone and I’ve now been with him 2 years. He met the kids after 18 months but they’re older now so they’re teens. It’s not as big a risk. He will not be moving in and he is never alone with them. We’re very happy and there is no need for him to be involved with my kids in any serious way. And he completely understands.

We’ve discussed maybe moving away in 10 years or so, to the highlands, if we’re still together and the kids are adults but nothing while the kids are at home.

Most of us know how to put our children first, some women do not. I've be single for almost a decade and I didn't get offended at what the op said as it it is true, some women do move men in constantly

I've been single all this time as I'm scared someone could hurt my children, or me, its not worth the risk

I have a childhood friend, exact same age as me, whose had 8 children with 7 men. Each and every time she's moved these men in and tried playing happy families.

I have an ex friend who moved in / married someone within 3 months of meeting them / moved her kids in with him

One of my closest friends has recently had a new relationship, and she's had this man meet her child, baby sit her child, stay at her house whilst child is there ect , she's talking about him moving in / having children

Lots of women ( and men ) don't put their kids first and don't vet who is around them,

Lots to put their kids first but the situations I've just described as not unusual either

How is it naive to trust someone after 7 years? People get married and have multiple children in less time than that. PP even says as much!

Everyone should do checks if that makes them feel safer but clearly not necessary after knowing someone for the better part of a decade.

You must of had a very nice life to not worry about things like that 😅

My sisters ex was sent to prison for molesting his cousins, you'd never think it, he was charming, friendly, outgoing, kind, good looking...... most people who are this way, are master manipulators

Naive to trust someone after 7 years? 🤣 ok

Its very self centred when people take threads personally. There are women who subject their children to men they barely know, and there are men who manipulate and conceal their past/who they are in order to gain access to children. This doesnt mean that the vast majority of single mothers do this, nor that there is zero risk from.other men.

Right.. But you can't realistically do a check on every male who comes into contact with your children...

Does every woman do Clair / Sarah's Law checks on men when they get into relationships / get engaged / start planning a family?

I think you’re being quite disingenuous.

There is a big difference between meeting someone, marrying and having kids while you are single with no children before you meet and then meeting someone when you have young kids.

Because we know predators target single mums in a way they don’t target childless women. So it is not the same as meeting someone before you had kids.

And you also sound naive at best, stupid at worst, if you think you can always tell the bad ones and they’d have red flags galore. You can’t. From someone who worked in mental health and did time working with prisoners… you really can’t always tell.

If you have kids, you should check out the man you’re seeing. Always. It is not the same as meeting someone before because you are a target.

Again, meeting a man when you have kids is very different from meeting a man before you have kid. Because predators seek out single mums for access to kids.

We have a higher chance of ending up on a date with someone very wrong, but very well versed in hiding it.

Some sort of check would only work if the person had actually been convicted of an offence.What about abusers who’ve never been caught?
As far as the law is concerned, unless someone was known to them, they’d be clean.

How on earth do you suppose you’d enforce something like this anyway ?