To wonder why people don’t use the safety tools available when blending a family?

[lunar1]

I just can’t understand in this day and age why anyone would bring an unrelated adult into their children’s home without doing clairs/sarah’s law checks?

none of us think someone we love could harm us or our children, but it happens on a daily basis. Isn’t it just due diligence these days? No they won’t catch everyone, but they will catch some.

its a shame it’s not compulsory before bringing a random adult into children’s home.

Oh, so you’re just an odd person.

I don’t understand why you’ve insulted my intelligence twice and now are suggesting that you’ve hit a nerve? I haven’t even said anything controversial or ‘stupid’, but you seem to be out for a fight.

Why are you trying to be antagonistic for no reason? Im not a single mum, so whatever you think you’re doing is not working.

I won’t be engaging further.

Well to be fair, some women do. I know not all, but I have known some who do.

Because you can’t randomly request a disclosure about a person who as exhibited no behaviours that could lead to harm
the risk must be credible and proportionate to outweigh the right to privacy

it is not a screening program, they would not disclose in these circumstances without other risk factors

We never really know people, we just know what they choose to show us. Loads of people on here have been horrified to discover hidden secrets when sorting out their deceased fathers things ect,

People think of predators as people who jump out and get you, it's not like that, it could be anyone. It could even be the person whose been the kindest / loveliest person you'd ever think you could meet

Predators are usually very good at manipulating people, being seen as kind, a good person ect

It's happened hundreds of thousands of times, I don't know why anyone would deny that it's a possibility

They can’t ’screen’ every man like a DBS
It does not work like this, I have had one

Where did I say it did? I am just responding to some posters who seem to think OP is crazy to consider new partners so differently to men already within the family.

It’s as though the OP thinks single parents are moving folk in and out at the drop of a hat.

my friend has been a social worker 25 years and told me it is disheartening how so many vulnerable women can be trapped in a destructive cycle:

• have a baby young in an unstable relationship with an awful bloke
• wind up a single parent
• don't cope with being alone/desperate for love so swiftly seek out a new (equally useless or abusive) partner
• have another baby early in the relationship
• are treated badly, end up single again
• swiftly seek another partner

(And repeat)

The impact on their kids is terrible, absent dead beat dads, mum is desperate for love with new partners, constant stream of awful men moved through their lives, mum is increasingly vulnerable & lacks resilience. The kids become traumatised which can lead to them getting trapped in a similar cycle as adults.

Its very sad for all concerned.

I didn’t introduce my partner to my daughter for over a year and didn’t move him in for seven years.

That gave me the time I needed to do all the vetting I needed. I spent time with him, met his friends and family and got to know how he interacted with my child.

I don’t think a Clare’s Law application would have told me much that I didn’t already know.

I’m not minimising your concern: I think some parents move new partners in far too early. But wisdom, time and instinct are ultimately more useful than a very narrow government check. If you feel you need that kind of intervention its probably a red flag.

You made a dangerous post suggesting that people always know if someone if good or not. It simply isn’t true and, as I said makes you very naive or, at worst, stupid. You doubted down, then said naive and stupid are the same thing 🫤 (which they’re not). So, I don’t think I’m actually wrong in insulting your intelligence.

You said something really quite wrong; that it’s easy to tell if someone is safe or not. Then you’ve carried on saying some odd things. I’m not the weirdo here.

There’s no way of 100% guaranteeing someone is completely safe around your kids, although I agree there are ways of reducing that risk.

The reasons for not using them will vary but I think quite often people put their own desire to have a live-in partner ahead of their kids. It’s not nice to hear but it’s true, of some people.

Apparently @FiletOFishMeal is the type of person to deny the possibility, because it’s so easy to know someone and know that you don’t need to check because it would be obvious. Apparently.

God, go get a hobby. Do you know me in real life? Is that why you’re still tagging me and making things up?

My friend did this and I feel so sad for her. She's recently had her 8th baby with a 7th father. And she's raising this tiny baby as a single parent.... and already looking for a new partner.

She had her first baby at 15 and even back then I was like omg your crazy, and she said to me "this baby will always love me and never leave me"

I've never forget her saying that and the more failed relationships she's had / more children she's had, I always remember her saying that,

She's always sought love in the wrong places

Her children have a mix of fathers, none of them good people. It's been very sad to watch happen

Another really dangerous post. Are you actually telling single mothers or any women dating a new man who choose to use these checks that it is a red flag to do so?

Wow. Just wow. Women are killed every week by boyfriends and husbands. A lot of those new relationships so the woman hasn’t had a chance to know him yet, but after her death, his history is revealed. And she’d have known if she had checked. It should be made entirely normal and judgement free to check. How dangerous of you to tell women that is weird or a red flag for wanting to check someone you don’t know.

They can’t stop everything, it only shows if there is a history. But anyone dating should be free to access that history so they don’t waste 6 months or a year getting to know someone and then finding out some bad truths.

Literally just saying what you said. That there is no need for it because anyone needing one of these checks would be showing red flags and it would he obvious.

I’ve worked with abused women. I’ve worked with people in prison. Have you?

It is not obvious. It is also not a woman’s fault for not knowing because… it isn’t obvious.

What you said was dangerous.

Whatever, you seem to be oddly fixated on me because I said PP knows and trusts her partner after 7 years.

Honestly weird to pick up on such an innocuous comment.

You can go away now.

Quite. It’s all very main character syndrome.

Sadly, we don’t always know who is a predator and who isn’t.

I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. People are shocked, as he comes across as a lovely, stand up guy (vegetarian, loves animals, does charity work etc). He also abused his own daughter.

My best friend was abused for years by her own Father.

I used to do supported lodgings (similar to fostering but for 16-18 year olds). In terms of the girls that lived with me, the vast majority of their Mothers would literally flit from one man to the next. Go out with them for a few weeks, move them in, get pregnant, end up in a DV relationship. Kids end up in care, bloke moves out, kids come back. A few months later rinse and repeat. I really feel for these women, as they are obviously incredibly vulnerable and lonely and abusive men latch onto them because they know they can abuse them and treat them like shit. In quite a number of instances, they abused the children too.

As a single parent, I just start with the premise that no man can be trusted with my child, so have stayed single. My DS is now 20 and I have got that used to being on my own and independent, now I can’t be bothered with a relationship. Love being single, doing my own thing, making my own decisions, having my own money etc.

Exactly. It's more stupid to do one of these checks and have it come back with no convictions and trust that, than be in a relationship for a long period of time and trust what you have seen over almost a decade.

Sorry… let me check what you mean.

As a single parent, you’d meet someone, do the check after a couple weeks and then immediately move them in with your kid? That would be insane. Who does that?

You do these checks for your own personal safety when dating because a lot of women are murdered by new boyfriends. It gives you a quick out if you find something out early on. So you’re not wasting your time, and not putting yourself and kids at potential risk that’s easy to avoid.

If it’s clear then great, you go ahead with dating and maybe a relationship and then maybe a couple years later, when you know them and know if the relationship will last, then you might introduce them to your kids.

Anyone saying the checks are useless is just stupid. But anyway who thinks you do a check and then take them home to your kid when you still hardly know them is even more stupid.

You really do see a complete lack of critical thinking on this forum.

My ex is a registered sex offender. His new GF has 3 children - she has had full disclosure from the police (after a re-arrest) and social services were informed. However, she is STILL with him! How he's managed to spin that around I've no idea but it beggars belief

I work in crime and this is a shockingly common scenario. It may not be the people YOU mix with - but it is. I’ve seen plenty of cases of people letting boyfriends of a few weeks move in with them and their kids, letting them bathe the kids etc - guess what happens then.

Men are answerable for their behaviour but that’s separate to women answering for their own tragic safeguarding failures and the way in which they badly let down their own kids

Where did I say anything about moving in after a couple of weeks?

Those checks will more likely give a false sense of security, most abusers/rapists don't have convictions.

You cant get one without a good reason, by which point the guy should be dumped anyway, if you have a reason, get the check and it comes back with nothing then a lot of women would stay because he hasnt had a conviction.

There really is a lack of critical thinking on here, you're right.

I understand that, but you can’t ask for one just to decide whether a man can move in by doing a disclosure, unless he was displaying other concerning behaviours, in which case hopefully you wouldn’t anyway!

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet#:~:text=The%20Domestic%20Violence%20Disclosure%20Scheme,previous%20abusive%20or%20violent%20offending.