Online Dating - what do you make of this?

[dating1011]

I’ve started online dating. I’m a woman dating women.
I matched with someone and we started messaging. Only about 3 messages on the first day and the conversation was really good. Flowing nicely. Both asking questions etc.

Now there’s a bit of a pattern which is she replies either once in the evening or every other evening. Her messages are long, in depth, showing interest, asking questions, really lovely and thoughtful messages. And she’s mentioned meeting a couple of times so I’m guessing we’ll arrange that soon.

but what I’m wondering is, if someone was really interested, wouldn’t they message more frequently?

what I’m finding difficult is, I’m messaging others who message frequently but the quality is quite dry. Not really asking me much. I’m the one bringing more energy to the conversation which gets tedious. And then we eventually unmatch.

whereas this other person is so interesting and I love getting her messages but they’re so inconsistent. I’ll reply to her about 30 mins after shes messaged and then the reply I get might be 1 or 2 days later. But the quality of the message is great. This is on WhatsApp by the way as she asked for my number.

It's a good question OP and I'm afraid I cant answer. What I would say is meet up asap

I would push for a meeting. Slow down the messaging until after you’ve met in person. It sounds to me that you’ve spent too many days just at the messaging stage and it’s clouding your judgement. See how you get on in person

Frequency of messaging tells you nothing about a person - you don’t know if it’s their habit, if they are busy, or anything really. You can only meet and see if there is a spark.

I imagine she’s just busy, op

definitely meet up with her 🙂

I met my new partner on a dating app. I’m always slow to respond as I have so much to do, but he was patient and didn’t push it. Other men would block me when I didn’t answer quickly enough.
I’d try to meet up sooner rather than later.

If her messages are long, lovely and thoughtful, she shouldn’t need to message you all the time.

Someone who messages you every couple of days and puts a lot of thought and time into it is putting more effort in than some mediocre bore who messages things like “just having a salad for lunch lol what r u up to?” 10 times daily.

Also, surely you’d rather date someone who is capable of putting down their phone to focus on other things? People who message all the time are the same people who WhatsApp their friends while you’re out for dinner with them, or get their phone out at the cinema because they think replying to a message is more important than actually enjoying what they’re doing and living in the moment.

@BauhausOfEliott yes I completely get that. And she does seem like someone who is just present in what she’s doing.
and yes her messages as well thought out. Long. She’s funny. Really intelligent. Others who message more frequently pretty much say what you’ve just said in your example

@Pomegranatecarnage
yes I do want to meet soon. She’s mentioned it a couple of times and we’ve both expressed we want to meet but haven’t actually arranged it yet. So maybe that’ll come up in the next messages. She is slow to respond but the thing that made me wonder if she’s interested is she said to me “sorry my replies are so slow. It doesn’t normally take me this long to reply”. So that made me wonder if she isn’t as interested.

What about suggesting FaceTime? My now husband and I used to message all day every day just meaningless shite and now it’s just if we have something decent to say! I guess she’s probably dating a few people at this time and not pigeon holing herself as you should be too.

I hate the constant messaging throughout the day. By the time it gets to lunch chat or, God forbid, lunch pictures, it's over for me.

Ah OK if she has apologised and said its not normal for her, then I reckon she is getting inside her head about being funny and interesting and deep everytime. It wouldn't surprise me if shes writing, editing, deleting and rewriting her messages. Thats pretty adorable if the case! Try and get that meet up going, and hopefully she can relax a bit!

It sounds like she’s waiting until she’s not busy and has proper time to send you a thoughtful and detailed message. The others are hammering off less meaningful replies at speed. Think more about what you’re learning about her (she’s actually being sensitive to the fact it’s taking a while rather than playing mind games and delaying on purpose, as well as sending you genuinely considered and interesting messages). I think it seems really positive, actually!

In that case I’d guess that she is taking awhile to reply because she wants to write meaningful messages. Part of the reason that I take a while to reply to messages is because I need the time and space to write meaningful messages and not just the “hey, how’s your day going?” inanity.

@FreeWheezin
yes sometimes when she messages I can see she’s typing on WhatsApp because it says ‘typing’ and she will be typing for around about 45 minutes so she very well could be editing it.

@BeMellowAquaSquid that’s a good idea really. I could suggest that before meeting up. And see what she says. Thank you

Personally I’d go for quality over quantity!

@Ablondiebutagoody 🤣🤣 yes those kind can get a bit tedious, can’t they…?!

@BeMellowAquaSquidand yes I can imagine she will be messaging others. She’s absolutely gorgeous and I have no doubt she’ll be getting a lot of interest on the dating apps

This.

She sounds lovely OP, good luck!

I think what I’m sort of questioning is - sometimes (like now) there’s a gap of about 3 days where she doesn’t reply. I think if someone was genuinely interested, they’d want to protect the connection, even if they’re busy etc.

I’m aware she might be messaging others, which is obviously fine. But it kind of feels like I’m less of a priority as it’s left for days sometimes. Even though we messages are warm and engaging.

For goodness sakes just meet already! You are putting way to much thought in to a person you haven’t met in real life.
My DH didn’t call me for a week after we met, and we met after one phone call (this was before texting - I didn’t even have a mobile phone)! Why? Because he was a very busy lawyer plus had already arranged a couple dates with other women before he even met me. I was beginning to consider calling him when he eventually did call, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Dragging out the texting phase is a waste of time. It can seem like you connect, but if she’s taking 45 minutes to write a message what is she actually like in real life? She can’t take that long to hold an actual conversation! So find out as you are currently getting over invested and are second guessing everything.

Is there any reason you can't meet up easily ? Distance maybe or perhaps she doesn't drive .

It's positive that a person is embracing work and life so much as to not be answering chats too quickly or too often.

That is refreshing.
She is also considered with her communication, for your benefit.
You need to meet.

Only then will you assess what type of personality she is.

I absolutely understand about meeting. I don’t want to be talking to someone for too long before meeting them in person because I think you can build a picture in your head of what they are like which obviously isn’t reality.

I have mentioned a couple of times meeting and she has said that she would absolutely love to meet up. But then I didn’t hear from her for a few days. She then messaged things she would like to meet. I mentioned in my last message to her was about meeting. But I haven’t heard from her for three days.

What worked for me was migrating fairly quickly from messaging to actually speaking on the phone. Often the witty thoughtful person crafting those nice messages cant actually hold a conversation, if they can't do that then the chances of you getting on in person is slim.