Online Dating - what do you make of this?

[dating1011]

I’ve started online dating. I’m a woman dating women.
I matched with someone and we started messaging. Only about 3 messages on the first day and the conversation was really good. Flowing nicely. Both asking questions etc.

Now there’s a bit of a pattern which is she replies either once in the evening or every other evening. Her messages are long, in depth, showing interest, asking questions, really lovely and thoughtful messages. And she’s mentioned meeting a couple of times so I’m guessing we’ll arrange that soon.

but what I’m wondering is, if someone was really interested, wouldn’t they message more frequently?

what I’m finding difficult is, I’m messaging others who message frequently but the quality is quite dry. Not really asking me much. I’m the one bringing more energy to the conversation which gets tedious. And then we eventually unmatch.

whereas this other person is so interesting and I love getting her messages but they’re so inconsistent. I’ll reply to her about 30 mins after shes messaged and then the reply I get might be 1 or 2 days later. But the quality of the message is great. This is on WhatsApp by the way as she asked for my number.

Why don't you just suggest a date to meet?

I think if someone is really interested in meeting you, it will happen. There is nothing wrong to say let’s put a date in the diary. If she does not respond to this, then I would not bother continuing. I have done quite a lot of online dating, and there are a group of people who like the connection through messages but don’t actually ever want to meet in person or simply put it off. Being honest, if someone is messaging a lot and there is a real reluctance to meet, the can be a reason for this. In the past I have met people who are extremely eloquent on paper, but actually not that great in person and awkward and difficult communicators. I would also say be cautious that very long messages are not being written with the assistance of AI. I’m not saying that is completely wrong but there are certain phrases and catch phrases which are used in AI and I have seen them popping up in messages, and indeed on MN..

@ChamonixMountainBum
yes I have had this before. I was speaking with someone for over 2 months and she kept saying she couldn’t meet but then we eventually did. And although her messages were great and we got on well, she really struggled having a conversation face to face and was often silent for long periods. I was really surprised because I thought she would be really confident in person but she was really anxious and this became apparent it was her personality even after many dates. It wasnt just first date anxiety.

I prefer to get to know someone first via phone chats before meeting face-to-face, skipping casual meetups for dates based on shared interests. Suggest a call time and make it happen.
If not move on.

Loads of people want to message and not meet. I’d just reply with a short message about meeting up and not say much else. Then move on if no response about meeting up quite quickly.

Ask her if she’s free for a coffee this weekend. There no point in both saying you want to meet if neither of you actually suggest it. Even if she has some plans if she’s interested she can find an hour for a coffee. Then you’ll know.
Being passive in dating just leads to this kind of stress and anxiety. Be direct and see what happens. Be prepared that she wanted a penpal or is very different IRL. But she might be great too.

Yeah I was getting tired of her which is how I came to this. People just play dumb games idk why people like this are on dating apps.

Maybe she's got a husband ive known as few woman that dated woman behind husband back and normally was how there conversation went also or could even have another woman but most times it's been a husband watch ur self hun alot of people are fake and lyers these days id definitely becareful and hope im wrong

My friends motto when online dating was always “don’t overthink anything until you’ve met them.” And I think this applies now. Meet her and see what the dynamic is like in person.

Say you'd like to meet, suggest a couple of dates, then step back. Stop engaging with all the messaging. If she wants to meet, she'll set it up.

You can't second guess what's going on in someone's head. Give a firm suggestion for a meet for coffee or lunch. You'll either get a yes or a no. Why faff around?

I know this is different however I was using Bumble to meet friends on the BFF section. Every single convo faded to nothing except for 1. That 1, was because we met the morning after we started chatting. We were very local and both had dogs, so walked the dogs together. We are very close friends 6 years on. Meet up ASAP. Safely.

@FudgeAndGalgos
i do want to meet and I’m going to suggest it when she next messages. Whenever that will be. I don’t want to be messaging people for weeks but I think it’s because she messages so sporadically. It’s been a few days now.

I get you are enjoying her long thoughtful replies , but perhaps the reason for late replying is she is also doing the same with other people and doesn't want to meet up until she narrows down who she would like I to see .
I'm still thinking give her a few dates and if no date , leave her be .

@FrostyFloshe very well could be. She still hasn’t messaged. So I haven’t mentioned dates. She’s mentioned meeting several times and the last message made it clear we would meet but then she hasn’t yet replied. When she does eventually message, whenever that is, I imagine we will set up a date. Hopefully for soon.

I’d not actually wait for her to message. I’d sent a quick message suggesting meeting next weekend for lunch one day or coffee if not far to travel, with a suggested place etc. see how she responds to that. As if she doesn’t respond fairly soon to say yes she can make it (or suggest alternative time) then she isn’t interesting in dating. May be already attached or a man!

@burnoutbabe I really don’t know if that would make me look desperate. I usually respond to her messages within about 15 mins of receiving them. And then I’ll hear back from her 2, 3 or 4 days later. So I want to see if she does actually message again. If she does I’ll definitely suggest meeting next weekend. But I don’t want to send another message when I’ve already sent one and her reply was “I’ll reply tomorrow” and it’s been 3 days.

What does she do for a job? Does she have children or a complicated home life? Have you considered that she could still be in a long term relationship / married?

Just an update - I haven’t heard back from her. Seems strange as her messages were warm, engaging, asking interested questions, saying she’d love to meet and that she loves chatting with me … but I’ve heard nothing. So I’ve accepted she likely isn’t interested. To those asking about her being straight etc. she’s definitely gay. Not married.

Were her messages AI perhaps?

That’s a shame.

Maybe she wasn’t actually single. Some people in relationships definitely do dabble in dating apps as a sort of fantasy of single life, without any intention of meeting anyone, just to relieve boredom or boost self-esteem by proving they’re attractive to others. Which is a bit shit but does happen.

@Pancakesbythedozen
they didn’t seem like AI. They seemed like they came from a genuine human. I think there are a lot of telling signs when people use AI, but it didn’t seem like that