Is there any coming back from this?

[NameChangeforMarriageQun]

Had an early miscarriage at the end of last month. My husband was largely absent through it - started Saturday and he took care of DC like he normally does on a Saturday....Sunday he had a 4 hour nap, Monday he went to work (fine) but didn't check in at all (not fine), Tuesday he was at home all day as he had a day off but went "out to journal" after school pick up so I was left to do the pick up and then take care of DC on my own.
We had huge rows on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday about needing him to be more present while I am actively bleeding and taking care of me.
He said he was feeling scared, and whilst I understand that the whole thing became about him and his emotional need rather than my physical need for support.
Anyway. Life moved on. It was his birthday. Then he had a family crisis. Then we went on holiday.
In all this time we haven't spoken about the grief, and what to do next.
By yesterday it had been 17 days, and I brought it up (admittedly late) and he got up and walked out the room saying "it's late, I'm going to sleep". We had another row, I'd never be able to just leave him when he's upset, and he changed his mind and said yes actually it is important let's talk, but by then the moment had passed and I was back to feeling angry and rejected. He's "willing to talk" today when the kids are in bed but it feels
a) a little bit like too little too late
b) I've had to cajole him to do a normal caring thing

I feel so distraught at being on my own through this. Several times through him abandoning me in need I've said that if I'm doing this alone, I'd prefer to be alone (ie split up)

But, clearly, we were in a good place before...hence the conception...
And we'd worked hard to be there.

On the other hand I just feel angry and resentful, I feel like I've given him multiple chances to make things right, I've parked it when the situation required me to, and I don't really want to repair from this.

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I’ve had several include late ones and a neonatal death. People grieve very differently and I think it’s always the woman who has been pregnant who is by far the most impacted.

Can you focus on the good place you were on before getting pregnant and, as your post suggests you have other children, look to accept you feel differently and react differently to what is happened, but can more forward.

No YANBU. He seems avoidant to discussing your feelings.
You have tried to discuss this with him and he has not communicated. When he said scared- of what exactly? Does he not think your the one who was scared, fragile, in physical and enotional pain?

I think you need to consider if you can be with a man who ran away during a time of need for you, This would show me his true colours and I wouldnt be able to stay with someone whose emotional needs always trumped mine in such a selfish way

Yeh this is how I feel. He was scared to see me in pain (and then added to it by fucking off).

OP I’m really sorry this has happened to you, it’s very painful and sad. I don’t think generally people are very good at responding to this kind of grief and loss or knowing how to process it. He has not responded well and you are feeling left unsupported.

I would speak to him but maybe set a near future date and time when you are both calm and tell him how you feel and what you need. Perhaps you should put off making any major decisions about anything just now because this is so recent and raw.

I'm trying to, really hard! But it felt like I had no back up, eg on Tuesday practically had to crawl from the car to the house and collapsed in bed while my kids looked on, only had the energy to get up an hour later to text him to ask him where he is...to me that's a scary place he willingly left me in and I am finding it hard to forgive that.

So sorry for what you’re going through OP. Be kind to yourself, and to your DH, he’s going through the loss too. Also i assume this is both your first time experiencing this kind of thing? It’s hard to get it right when you’re going through something huge like this for the first time. If you’ve got older kids, there is an element of keep calm and carry on, as they’ve still got to be fed, taken to school etc..

I’d recommend you both set aside a time together where you can calmly discuss moving forward, and not just cycle around and around arguing about the last week or so, if you can. Hoping the best for you.

It’s completely understandable you should feel like that, he has let you down.

Is there any coming back from this?

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage but only you know the answer to this. Sounds like you don’t want to anyway.

Yeh I'm trying to park it till we have time to talk but I feel like I've been doing that for days and the anger/disappointment at being left on my own again is making me want to do something

I’d be beyond hurt with this.
In a time of need he didn’t help you.
He's got to have a very very good reason for doing this. He needs to explain very clearly what he was thinking.

He’s massively let you down, I’m sorry you went though that.

It would worry me how he’ll cope if you had a long term serious illness.

He sort of does but I feel like he needs to manage things better. In the moment it reminded him of when his mum was being abused by his dad (DV) and he wasn't allowed to do anything about it (he did when he was older and bigger!) He "froze"...like a PTSD response.
I sort of get that but I'm also thinking "is this a man I want to rely on when I'm vulnerable" as I feel like he should be able to overcome that initial feeling after a few hours, not weeks.

Wow shocked by the responses. I would never be able to forgive this

Yeh that's what I'm worried about.

And also..."jeez if this is how it's going to be we probably shouldn't have another kid as I'd be so vulnerable whilst pregnant" which is really devastating

I would feel very hurt and let down by this @NameChangeforMarriageQun But, given that he's said he is ready to talk tonight, I wouldn't give up that opportunity. Have a proper heart to heart and see how it goes.

I’d not be happy with this explanation.
He went for a 4 hour nap on Sunday.
This not a trauma response.

That's disgusting OP and I'm not sure I'd be able to come back from this either. He took a 4 hour nap when you were going through that and needed restyourself, unbelievable. I understand he was scared and upset himself and he can't control these feelings but he can control his actions and actively chose to avoid you (and he wasn't so upset that he couldn't get to sleep was he, which I doubt he would have been able to do if he was in a panic)

I think I'd maybe be able to get over it if he gave a genuine heartfelt apology, in which he acknowledged what he should have done differently, and also what he was going to do in the interim to make sure that in future crisis (because there will be a crisis of some sort in everyone's life) his reactions are completely different. Which will be a lot of pro active work from him in the interim (eg through therapy) to make sure that when he is stressed he can overcome his instinct to shut down and hide

Many men handle difficutl feelings by checking out and locking them up in a box.

I strongly recommend you don't have any more children with him.

Some people deal with grief, stress or depression by sleeping.

Some men can't show their emotions and from what you have said op about triggering his own childhood issues I can sort of understand.

In these situations, often men are ignored by the outside world and no one asks how they are doing.

All that said. You should be a team and be prepared to talk and support one another. My wife hates it when I am ill, she doesn't know how to cope with the worry of it... but when I had a serious case of food poisoning and was very ill she overcame that panic and stepped up. Your husband is a grown up and what happened when he was a child was shit, but completely different to what happened to you and he should support you

Are the older children his? You mention not being able to rely on him when pg which implies he wasn't there before.

Im sorry but I dont accept that it was a trauma response. In the moment, on the day, yes. But for days afterwards, and when you told him you needed help? And at no point did he say 'im sorry, im being shit, im just panicking'? No text to say similar, if he wasnt up to having a big discussion in person? No checking in at all? Doesnt add up to 'i desperately want to be there for you but i panicking when it comes up'

He did say sorry and he's been present for the small stuff but not for this

The fact that you were so ill on that day and he fucked of to do journalling FFS would be it for me. He sounds like a complete selfish cunt and I'd probably stop trying to conceive with the twat and seriously think about if you want to be in a relationship that's so one sided. So sorry about your miscarriage 💐