Is there any coming back from this?

[NameChangeforMarriageQun]

Had an early miscarriage at the end of last month. My husband was largely absent through it - started Saturday and he took care of DC like he normally does on a Saturday....Sunday he had a 4 hour nap, Monday he went to work (fine) but didn't check in at all (not fine), Tuesday he was at home all day as he had a day off but went "out to journal" after school pick up so I was left to do the pick up and then take care of DC on my own.
We had huge rows on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday about needing him to be more present while I am actively bleeding and taking care of me.
He said he was feeling scared, and whilst I understand that the whole thing became about him and his emotional need rather than my physical need for support.
Anyway. Life moved on. It was his birthday. Then he had a family crisis. Then we went on holiday.
In all this time we haven't spoken about the grief, and what to do next.
By yesterday it had been 17 days, and I brought it up (admittedly late) and he got up and walked out the room saying "it's late, I'm going to sleep". We had another row, I'd never be able to just leave him when he's upset, and he changed his mind and said yes actually it is important let's talk, but by then the moment had passed and I was back to feeling angry and rejected. He's "willing to talk" today when the kids are in bed but it feels
a) a little bit like too little too late
b) I've had to cajole him to do a normal caring thing

I feel so distraught at being on my own through this. Several times through him abandoning me in need I've said that if I'm doing this alone, I'd prefer to be alone (ie split up)

But, clearly, we were in a good place before...hence the conception...
And we'd worked hard to be there.

On the other hand I just feel angry and resentful, I feel like I've given him multiple chances to make things right, I've parked it when the situation required me to, and I don't really want to repair from this.

I do have some sympathy for him here - only because I recognise the shutdown response in times of emotional trauma.

When something devastating happens (including a second trimester miscarriage at a time I believed it was my last chance of conceiving), I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than talk about it, and I can’t cope with being pushed to do so on someone else’s timescale.

I understand some of us really need to talk to get through trauma, but dealing with other people’s need to emote and dissect and discuss in the immediate aftermath not only does my head in, it magnifies and compounds my own distress. It may make them feel better, but it just makes me feel fucking broken and a thousand times worse.

That said, once I’ve had enough time to process, I’m ok to talk about things if it helps DH or anyone else.

DH and I are mismatched in the way we process difficult stuff - he’s a talker, I’m definitely not. If it’s the same for you, you need to recognise that and find ways of navigating through it, so you don’t feel abandoned and he doesn’t feel pressured.

However - and it’s a big however - it’s unforgivable for your husband not to physically care for you in such a terrible situation. He may not be able to bear the burden of your emotions on top of his own in the short term, but to literally walk away and leave you bleeding and struggling is beyond shit. Though he may not be able to prioritise your emotional care, he can certainly step up and ensure your physical well-being. Dealing with your own hurt doesn’t allow you to abdicate all support for your partner.

I’m really sorry for your loss 💐

I agree with this. I know he said he's ready to talk, but that means he's already rehearsed his BS excuses to try and convince you. And there's no excuse for someone who goes out 'journalling' whilst you lie there in pain and bleeding after having miscarried your and his baby. What a disgrace he is. A decent man would have been too concerned about his wife to leave her in that state for a non-essential reason.

Many men are not good with talking about feelings when things turn difficult. I don't blame them, that's just how they've been constructed and brought up. If he is supportive in other ways, I would stop fighting about it. What do you mean by 'caring for you'? If it was early miscarriage, then I suppose you are fine. Just eat well and take some iron supplements. I've had 2 of those, it's not the end of the world.

Actually, sleeping can and is a trauma response. It might not be in this case but you’re wrong to say it isn’t for some people.

Absolutely it is a trauma response - as is being unable to talk, needing to be alone and going inside your own head. Yes he’s been a dick with the physical support and childcare, but I disagree (based on personal experience) with all those suggesting his actions are being driven purely by selfishness.

I am fine now but I wasn't the day I picked kids up, and needed desperately to sleep. Likewise the Sunday he slept for 4 hours...I was just lying on the sofa making sure kids were okay, and it would have been nice to properly switch off. But the other posts on it being trauma response have helped me feel less angry, if a little helpless still.

Thank you and @EnjoythemoneyJane

The thing is, you will always now know that your dh is someone you can't trust to have your back when something bad happens.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and especially that you have had to go through it alone.

I've never spoken about this on here before, and very rarely in real life, but my boyfriend left me to miscarry our child alone. It was horrendous. I have heard of other women this has happened to as well, so it seems like a not uncommon male response (though of course most men don't do this).

Mine came back afterwards but never apologised or really talked to me properly about it. It's one of the reasons I left him a year or so later, and, though we are seeing each other again now, I would be reluctant to cohabit with him again unless I can somehow be assured that he would not behave like this again. (I am too old now to conceive another child again, I suspect - but I mean in similar circumstances).

To give him credit, he has stood by me through other terrible things, illness, bereavement, etc. But this he did not do. And to this day I don't know why.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. I have no advice - I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I am sorry you had a miscarriage and you didn’t get the support you needed but I would think there is work to be done.

What about relationship counselling?

@NameChangeforMarriageQun I would accept that emotionally he may not have felt able to to support you if indeed he was processing his own feelings. However that doesn't excuse his lack of practical support. What on earth was he journalling by leaving you alone? Was he actually just writing his thoughts down, in which case he could have stayed home with you.