Aibu to find this a bit weird? Ds school friend

[Ellieshomeagain]

About 18 months ago, ds10 made a new friend at school. They’d always been friends but they started to become close friends. It was clear at class parties and stuff that the two of them were always paired off together.

The mum of the boy started messaging me asking me if the boys could meet up outside school. She’d also message me regularly saying how lovely my ds was and how the boys were best friends, she’d always want to know what my ds was wearing for dress up and non uniform days and if he was going to after school clubs.

I invited her ds over to our house loads of times and he always came over, I took them out a couple of times too.

She has never reciprocated by having ds over to her house. That didn’t really bother me, as I thought perhaps she was busy or perhaps she didn’t like hosting play dates. But then I found out that the boy has had other friends over.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by it and find it odd?

That is odd, my first thoughts were that she’s embarrassed to have people round but obviously not. How do you know they’ve had others round? Regularly and recently?

Have you suggested to your son to ask to go round there?

Maybe her son has expressed that he prefers your house and she doesnt think it worth mentioning?

Da asked me a few times if he could go to this boys house and I told him you have to be invited. But I did suggest to ds that he could ask his friend.

Ds was like when can I go to Toms house because Oliver, Jake and Freddie go over all the time. (Not their real names).

Then this week another mutual friend told ds that he’s going to Toms house this week.

It’s one of those things I’m not going to lose sleep over it but I just wonder why.

I think you can ask? sounds like you regularly message the mum. “Alfie keeps pestering me about coming to you house! Is he ok to come over today with Oliver, Jake and Freddie?

On the face of it it is odd but I think maybe just communication

Hmmm how odd. Is the mum good friends with those boys’ parents maybe? Are they defo going or is this just stories from these boys?

My only other thought was does your son have any severe allergies or something that she isn’t confident managing safely?

There’s definitely nothing like allergies or anything like that, and my ds is so easy going and well behaved.

I did wonder if there was a bit of story telling with the boys. Now that they’re all in year 6 they have phones. The other thing I wondered was whether the mum was pushing the friendship a bit more than her ds was really in it.

And what was the response when your son asked his friend if he could go over to his house sometime?

Oh my DS had a friend like this at that age. The parents just knew that they could exploit me for loads of child care and fun activities. Her DS did like mine and did have a great time at our house and all the activities we took him to (and paid for), but it was just the default and expectation that I would provide all the entertainment and food and fun times for both boys. Went on for a few years until the other DC had enough of the gravy train/the boys became old enough to just arrange their own activities and promptly jibbed my DS off for cooler friends. Still annoyed at myself for being such a mug.

There is still the possibility that even in year 6 they are not telling the truth....they might also want to go to friends house but whether they really do is a different matter.

Also it may be because the parents are friends and they go because the mums then catch up too.

I wouldn't say anything though as it seems rude to ask, and maybe cut back on inviting the other boy round.

Do you have a large nice house? Is it possible that she feels embarrassed. I will only invite certain children to my house.

Years ago a child said why is your house so small? Mines much bigger and better than yours. Not the child's fault. But I didn't invite many kids after that unless I know they live in a similar sized house.

Is it possible that there's a wealth gap, could she have seen your home and feel embarrassed about hers for some reason....? Perhaps tidiness/standards or size or something else that makes her think it'd be awkward?

It's daft to let some random comment from a child dictate your behaviour. "That's not a very nice thing to say, Rupert. It's how we treat other people that's important, not how big our house is!"

Do you know where she stays? Embarrassment because you’ve got a much bigger/ nicer house than her is the first thing I thought of

Maybe if Tom, Dick and Harry are at her house so much, she finds it nice that sometimes her kid goes somewhere else for a change.

Wow- I’m so surprised that a comment from a child has now made you feel like you can’t invite others over.

I had exactly the same with my eldest child- a friend of his asked why our house was small, I replied & just said, we like to be cosy. That was it- no big deal. He came over again! Kids are kids.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Could be lots of reasons. I don’t orchestrate a lot of play dates. We were often busy with one of us working in the afternoons, older dc has a lot of activities so we’re mostly in the car, I have cancer and frankly don’t have energy, and at the moment due to building works we literally have a kitchen, no lounge or bedrooms, we’re sleeping on mattresses on the floor in one room. It doesn’t mean that some friends don’t appear at the door and then they all play in the garden, but none of them have been invited and it’s not a play date.

Is it possible the mum is trying to encourage new friendships beyond just the ones who come knocking at the door (who neither of them may like)? But maybe isn’t in a position to host.

Her husband fancies you so she doesnt want you round her house?!

Ds went his mate's house... Sorry mansion. No way was that dc every setting foot in ours!!

My first thoughts , is there is a obvious difference between the way you live? I live in a small house, I rarely invite children for play dates because of it, but I offer to take my child's friends out instead. So, could it be they live in a small.house (possible embarrament, or lack of space) or a less desirable area?

This would piss me off tbh.

We do have a nice house but it’s nothing special or extravagant. Just a 3 bed semi.

I don’t know where they live, but I wouldn’t judge anyone’s house unless it was unsafe.

My childhood home was scruffy and I was embarrassed having friends over so I know how that can feel. But that doesn’t really tie in with him having other friends over. Unless of course it’s not true.

I agree. Perhaps when those boys go they simply go because the mums were all ante natal friends or playgroup friends. So the mums are friends and the bigss get dragged along.

She might already know those mums and enjoy having them over with the dc. I knew loads in primary who only ever invited their own friends over who happened to have dc in the same year, from ante natal groups mainly.

Honestly OP, I would stop invitations and have other children over.
This would annoy me and I wouldn't be making excuses to your son.
Reciprocity is normal in play dates.
Asking other children whilst accepting your invitations, but never returning yours is that womans choice, but I would certainly not ask again.
I would focus on other children.
Most children like play dates and its clear your son would like one.
Whatever her reason, IMO its rude.

However you will have many many on MN to advise you to endlessly entertain this child and never expect it to be returned.