Aibu to find this a bit weird? Ds school friend

[Ellieshomeagain]

About 18 months ago, ds10 made a new friend at school. They’d always been friends but they started to become close friends. It was clear at class parties and stuff that the two of them were always paired off together.

The mum of the boy started messaging me asking me if the boys could meet up outside school. She’d also message me regularly saying how lovely my ds was and how the boys were best friends, she’d always want to know what my ds was wearing for dress up and non uniform days and if he was going to after school clubs.

I invited her ds over to our house loads of times and he always came over, I took them out a couple of times too.

She has never reciprocated by having ds over to her house. That didn’t really bother me, as I thought perhaps she was busy or perhaps she didn’t like hosting play dates. But then I found out that the boy has had other friends over.

Aibu to feel a bit hurt by it and find it odd?

Regardless if the other boys parents know one another already. Surely if she is happy for her son to come to your house regularly and for you to take them out for the day… would she not ever offer to have him come to their house? All very odd and verging on rude.

I would be annoyed and feel a bit used. Why don’t you ask her if your DC can come over to his friends house? Keep it very casual and see how she responds.

I don't understand playdates beyond the age of 8. Surely unless you live in the middle of nowhere the children just knock for each other.

I don't have my DCs friends over because our house is overcrowded and they have nowhere to play.
I do however make this clear to anyone who invites my DC over that I can't reciprocate and it's never been a problem but we are talking one invitation in a blue moon not every month or two.
I don't think you should have to take DCs friends out on days though if you can't reciprocate because that's quite costly and involves organisation etc. not just chilling together and playing.

If they are year 6 is this a case of the other boys live nearby and just 'knock on' for him? Sometimes go out sometimes come in type thing?

The boys all live quite spread out so it’s definitely not that the other lads live close and are knocking for him.

Have you not politely asked the mum?

Perhaps DS could say to his friend “ Can you ask your mum if I can come over to your house soon” .
I would stop inviting the boy to your house.

Sorry but this is a really shitty attitude. You are basically punishing certain kids beculause their parents happen to have bought a bigger house than you?!

Those children won't understand why they are never invited over but other children are. You need to get over your own issues over this and stop taking it out on the kids it's not their fault!! I've never heard of anything so silly as only inviting children over who live in a similar size house.

They can't getting punished by not coming to my terraced 3 bed council house 🤣. Punished would be not being invited to parties. I always reciprocate play dates at a soft play etc. This is just until I get to know the parents usually. I live in the only council estate In the schools usual catchment so 90 percent of the kids are all used to going to big massive houses. And yes it was over 15 years ago but it always stuck with me. And my time working schools I've seen behaviour between different financial back grounds. Most wouldnt give this a second thought.

I never had my friends over after the age of about 11 because my house was the smallest out of all of my friends, and also cos my dad was abusive. I was ashamed of these things and couldn’t bear the thought of my friends finding out. Any friends that did come over (hardly any) were because my parents knew their parents rather than it being my choice. Looking back I realise it must have seemed really strange to the other families. I’m so grateful no one said anything. Maybe there’s stuff going on that you don’t know about, although most probably it’s just that people are busy. I try to invite my kids friends over as much as possible and it’s not reciprocated a huge amount. I know from experience it’s best not to ask

I literally was just about to post this as being a potential reason- abusive 'non school' parent. Siblings that might have sen and have different behaviours, elderly relatives that might live there and need caring for. I remember being petrified of my friends grandmother as a child because she could only speak Italian and I thought she was shouting at me 🤣

say you’ve got an appointment and souls she mind if your son went to hers after school for a play date then i guess you’ll see!

This! Even in cities children can live 3 or 4 miles from friends.Although these boys are year 6 they’re still 10/11 yrs old and may need transport and at least checking if their friends are actually at home

Free childcare?

We have similar going on. Was happy to help a family out with lifts, having their child over when they were working… my child never had an invite back and I didn’t mind as I knew they were busy people, working lots (I don’t work) so wouldn’t have time to have my child back, and I generally don’t ask to expect an invite back. However, it turns out they’re always having other children over and having sleepovers and not once has my child been invited. I’ve pulled right back and rarely speak to them now. I’m not confrontational but if they did ask if there was a problem I think I would tell them I felt used (I wouldn’t be angry or upset, just factual).

Your son is locked and she sees him as a banker. The other boys/families are still up for grabs so she's making the effort to win them over and expand her sons friendship group. She doesn't think she has to make that effort for your son.

People get weird over play date politics

This is crazy. DD had a school friend whose dad was a baronet. They lived in a proper stately home with miles of parkland. That girl loved coming to our (normal) house for pasta and a game of Twister.