To not go on this holiday?

[notaurewhatusername]

A group of friends have organised a holiday to Europe this summer, large villa, mixed group of men and women about 8 of us. We have a one year old and have been invited along though none of the group have babies or even young kids they’re bringing.

I’m not sure I want to go if I’m honest. I feel like I’d end up doing most of the childcare while everyone else relaxes. I also worry about the group dynamic changing how my partner behaves with the baby - wanting to look fun and carefree - and us ending up clashing over it.

Would you go, or would you let your partner go alone or none of us go?

I definitely would not want to go. If there's a pool at this villa - perfect excuse not to go!

They haven't agreed to go in the first place so don't owe anything. They have been invited and are deciding whether or not to accept the invitation.

Don't go. They've invited you because they're being inclusive but they are not the ones who will be having to cope. I turned down an invitation to a cousin's wedding which would have involved a flight and a hotel stay, with my clingy 3 year old child expected to sit in a different room from me at the wedding meal. I just knew it would be an expensive nightmare for me. The rest of my family went. Initially I questioned myself, but with hindsight, I did make the right decision. I'd have spent the flight walking up and down the aisle, and the wedding in the kids' dining room, and had to leave the reception early alone with an overtired child! No thank you.

Is the baby definitely invited? I wouldn’t go on an adult’s holiday with a baby, it will change the dynamic of the trip. It certainly won’t be fun, everyone else gets to be carefree and do what they want (as they should) whilst you are worrying about nap times and child related things, especially if you think your partner won’t be doing his fair share!

Are you absolutely certain that they’ve invited all three of you? Your OP reads to me as though they’ve invited you as a couple and expect you to find a babysitter for your DC, particularly as there are no other children going.
Anyway, I wouldn’t be going as you’d be changing the dynamic of the holiday if you take DC along; everyone will become resentful of DC (and you by default), you’ll end up being stressed trying to placate DC and end up silently seething as DP throws caution to the wind and pretends he’s single for the duration.

I would be willing to bet that your friends will be a little relieved if you say you're not coming. Not because you're not lovely company or anything but because having a one year old there completely changes the vibe on what is otherwise clearly an adults trip. Do you think maybe they invited you and your DP assuming you would find childcare and leave baby at home as that's what the others are doing?

I wouldn’t go if I were you and tbh I wouldn’t want to go on a holiday with friend’s toddler. It will be a nightmare for both sides.

And this ^
spot on

I think it’s lovely that your friends have included you but it’s not going to work. None of you should go. It’s a recipe for disaster! And DH going along while you’re stuck at home?!?! Not a bloody chance!!!!!! He needs to face up to his responsibilities!!

Honestly with the right group of people and the right husband this sounds like it could actually be alright but from the sounds of it that’s not the case. Skip this one. Better yet you go and he can stay at home with the baby since he’s dodged his parenting duties in the past, sounds like he owes you one.

My friends did this as a group of us made a week of it for a destination wedding. We didn’t mind the baby there, he was ace, but we also weren’t going to keep to his routine and so ended up on a separate schedule to them a lot. It was tiring and sometimes frustrating for both parents, and that was with a dad who (mostly) pulled his weight. Even when we were all at the villa together they had constant milk feeds / food /changing / can’t stay out in the sun too long so stuck in alone/ not much grass outside so nowhere for crawler etc. Honestly I wouldn’t.

Hard no from me

No I wouldn’t be going. Sounds like a nightmare.

A no from me too.

I think you should only go if you agree a clear schedule of who is in charge (and not drinking) in shifts which is fair.
you should do this all the time btw not just on holiday.
you could also hire a holiday nanny I’ve used them
for agout 100e a day it’s really good. Not to not see your child, but do to all the annoying jobs

thanks for everyone’s comments, I won’t be going. Just taking this week for example DC have been ill, I’ve taken a whole week off work as DH has so many ‘important’ things to do and his work can’t wait. I’ve done the nights most the days he’s pitched in a few hours here and there but only really on request. I cba with it, we will argue it just isn’t worth it.

even today he gets angry if I want DC to stay home instead of going grandparents to the point where u just let him decide but luckily they said no to avoid it spreading.

when DC is well, he does his almost fair share, probably a third of the time. But a third isn’t good enough on holiday and I can see it creating too much anxiety for me. If it were with family I’d be there in a shot but half the group going haven’t for kids

Does this mean you all aren’t going or that DH is still
going?
I worry that you could be setting a precedent here whereby he attends these sorts of things as a singlleton and all the others are couples.

I hope your DC is feeling better soon. It’s tough when they’re poorly. X

@PopcornKittenthere are other singletons going

Other singletons that are leaving their kids and partners behind? If so then that it what is the norm within your friendship group.

Is the baby invited? Id think it strange if noone else is taking their kids and a baby would definitely change the whole dynamic.

I wouldn’t take a baby on a grown up group holiday. And I say that as a parent of four kids who were super chilled easy sleepers who I have travelled with in all sorts of ways.

Travelling with a baby is great. Change of scene for everyone and if you pic the right holiday there’s no cooking to do!

Staying in a villa with a lot of other adults when you’re the only one with a baby sounds dreadful. Either you or your partner will be trying to put the baby to bed while the others socialise; will be trying to feed the baby breakfast and keep the baby quiet while the others sleep in; will be worried about taxi car seats and shady beach spots and high chairs in restaurants while the others just get on with their holiday. You will resent their easy life and they will resent you needing “more” planning/equipment/consideration.

I think it’s a terrible idea even before you factor in that your partner may not be on the same page with everything.

When the others have babies too, group holidays can be back on! It is great fun to holiday in a large group when you all have kids. But absolutely not if you’re the only one with a baby.

We did this … I was one of the Childfree ones. It was good, everyone joined in with the childcare / child entertainment. It was a bit of a novelty if I’m honest. Parents ended up with free times as others were helping. It was really nice

I’d be concerned about my partner in general if he’s like this! Not just in a villa holiday situation. Does he leave you to do everything all the time anyway? How supportive and reliable is he? How mature is he? Would he rather be out drinking with his mates than being at home with you and the baby??
For me there would be bigger concerns here