Don’t trust children with Grandma’s partner AIBU?

[MissTrustful]

Struggling with a situation I am feeling really anxious about.
My MIL is an incredible Grandma to my two young girls, she lives 3 hours drive but we go to stay with them often. She obviously wants them to come and stay alone with her during school holidays so she can help with childcare and see them without us hovering about.

The issue I have is her partner of 7 years has a daughter living in the same town and she very rarely sees him and never leaves her two girls with them alone, they visit all together. I can’t help but wonder why this is, my MIL is great and he seems like a lovely grandfather to them, he’s amazing with kids and my girls love him.
To give a bit more context he is a bit of a general pervy bloke about women, cracking inappropriate laddy jokes, ‘nuts magazine’ vibe, you know what I mean! It gives me the ICK.

so my question is AIBU that until I know more about why his daughter’s children hardly ever see him and have never stayed over that I don’t want my girls staying there without me? He’s never been anything but nice to us and them and he talks about them as if they are his grandchildren too and really spends quality time with them, but I just can’t shake this worry!
also if you think I shouldn’t let the girls stay there without me what the hell do I say to MIL?!

thanks for your votes

Go with your instincts, no matter what anyone says about it. You are there to protect them and something is telling you this doesn’t feel right - it might be ok, but it might not be. If in any doubt, don’t allow it. Trust yourself.

Stick to your guns on this. You don’t really know this man so don’t want your girls staying there without you.

He's inappropriate about women. That's a good enough reason to keep your daughters away.

Don't let your kids go without you. There's a reason his own daughter never leaves her kids alone with him. Follow her example.

Your mother's feelings aren't the most important thing here. Your kids' safety is.

She says something, tell her you're not leaving your daughters alone with someone who has a partner that's "pervy" about women.

Have you asked MIL why his girls don’t stay?

They talk all the time about how weird they think it is because he wants to see them more, and when we say ‘I wonder why she’s like that’ they just say its very strange and they have no idea why, and we just put it down to parenting style

Jeez dont let him near them! If she asks tell her. Why on Earth is she with this creep?

He’s a ‘pervy bloke about women, cracking inappropriate lads jokes…’ - surely it’s obvious why his dd doesn’t trust him around her dds? The same reason you don’t!

I agree instincts are there for a reason. If you’re concerned maybe do one of those “…. Law” requests, sorry I can’t remember the name of it. But obviously that only shows people who have some kind of record.

Even if he's "just" pervy and inappropriate, I wouldn't want a child of mine seeing comments like that unchallenged. I can challenge FIL when I'm present, but prefer his influence to be limited.

Sara’s Law request.

Trust your instincts OP.

When your MIL says she doesn't know why his daughter goes near him, why don't you say, "Do you think it might be because he comes across as pervy?" and give examples? I wouldn't be able to go near a creep like that and I'm amazed your MIL can't see him for what he is.

Yanbu at all trust your gut

Can you contact his daughter ?

Trust your guts on this one OP,
Might be perfectly fine but might not.....

Ask his daughter? If you don't trust him obviously don't let them stay. I rather doubt he's a paedophile even if he does make inappropriate laddish jokes. I assume your MIL has no worries about him and they've been together for seven years. You could do a police check, someone's law.

BTW why do they have to give these laws someone's name that I can never remember, what's wrong with a sex offenders check law?

Yes I think might have to try and do this somehow to settle it once and for all! not sure how on earth I’ll tackle that though

I think I’ve made him out to be some total perv 🤣 he just makes inappropriate jokes sometimes that tell me he’s a bit of a perv

Go with your gut. I'd rather be wrong about him from this direction than the other (IE potentially incorrectly thinking he's got bad intentions compared to thinking he's probably fine, then regretting it later when it became obvious he isn't).

It would be worth a Sarah's law request (Claire's law is for domestic violence) .

Have you googled his name to see if owt dodgy comes up.

Not totally sure what the benefit of asking his daughter why she doesn't allow her kids to visit independently. It could be any one of a million reasons - maybe she doesn't like his partner / thinks she's a sleeze?)

You need to speak to his daughter, it could be her that is awful, nasty and spiteful about something trivial or something massively unrelated or maybe she just has a grudge against her dad for splitting up with her mum? Or she may confirm your worse nightmares. She' the only one really that can provide you with answers. What does the father of your children think? Can he talk to his mum to get any clearer an answer about the daughters reasons?

This. Just this exactly and completely.

You can ask police to disclose if he has any convictions
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme-guidance/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme-police-guidance-accessible.

It might just be that she's one of those parents who doesn't like leaving the kids with anyone. It might be something more. The only way to find out is to either ask her why she doesn't leave the kids with him or do a Sarah's Law request.

What do you mean when you say “a bit of a perv”?…This sounds to me like a “bit pregnant” and a “bit of a pedophile”. If you think he is a pervert, then the answer is obvious.

Some people these days keep kids away from grandparents because they're angry about something they've said or done (which wouldn't hurt the kids). Examples include giving money/refusing babysitting etc. Right or wrong, she can choose to go NC with him, but that alone shouldn't affect your choice. A lot of men, and some women, read that magazine, or similar media, in the past, and some still joke that way. The issue is whether they realise it's in appropriate in front of kids. Why not talk to him and get an idea? Relatively few people in your nan's age group will never have made comments we'd call sexist now.

I think you risk setting off a lot of potential trouble and fallout if you speak to his daughter. Just trust your instinct. Don’t send your DDs alone, to stay with him.

Whether he’s totally innocent but has a dodgy sense of humour, abused her, didn’t abuse her,
but didn’t protect her from abuse, didn’t believe her about abuse, etc etc or didn’t make grandchildren wear seatbelts, didn’t cut their grapes safely, it doesn’t matter for your decision.

You’re not comfortable. Trust your instinct. Don’t put your children in situations that your gut is telling you to avoid