Don’t trust children with Grandma’s partner AIBU?

[MissTrustful]

Struggling with a situation I am feeling really anxious about.
My MIL is an incredible Grandma to my two young girls, she lives 3 hours drive but we go to stay with them often. She obviously wants them to come and stay alone with her during school holidays so she can help with childcare and see them without us hovering about.

The issue I have is her partner of 7 years has a daughter living in the same town and she very rarely sees him and never leaves her two girls with them alone, they visit all together. I can’t help but wonder why this is, my MIL is great and he seems like a lovely grandfather to them, he’s amazing with kids and my girls love him.
To give a bit more context he is a bit of a general pervy bloke about women, cracking inappropriate laddy jokes, ‘nuts magazine’ vibe, you know what I mean! It gives me the ICK.

so my question is AIBU that until I know more about why his daughter’s children hardly ever see him and have never stayed over that I don’t want my girls staying there without me? He’s never been anything but nice to us and them and he talks about them as if they are his grandchildren too and really spends quality time with them, but I just can’t shake this worry!
also if you think I shouldn’t let the girls stay there without me what the hell do I say to MIL?!

thanks for your votes

Thanks all lots of useful opinions and thoughts here. Definitely going to start with Sarah’s Law. Might try and broach it subtly with the daughter somehow and get a feeler, like you say it could be a million reasons

Don't bring it up with anyone. Just say you wouldn't feel comfortable being so far away.

I feel the same about my mums husband. So DSs don't spend alone time at their house. Mum can take them on trips or come to ours but I don't trust her to supervise him properly.

My dad has babysat years ago but he's making me feel uncomfortable lately so he won't be unsupervised with DSs either, not that he will really care tbh. I don't think I know any man bar DP who I would actually leave them with. Hence having not had a date night since youngest was born. Eldests dad is under investigation atm so maybe I've just got my hackles up.

I guess you could just say like "it must be so much easier living so close so they can babysit while you go out. Were thinking of letting kids stay for a weekend so we can have a lay in for once" See what she says.

Sorry to hear you are going through that and thanks for the advice on what to say. I think like you say, a blanket rule on every man is best to protect them sadly

It’s never worth the risk. Just don’t let them stay. Simply say you’re not comfortable with them staying away from home, never have been and never will be.

I’ve had to say no once before due to a married-in uncle I wasn’t comfortable with and I simply said to DSIL, my kids have only ever stayed at her mum and dads (grandparents) and I’m not comfortable with them anywhere else. She replied with ‘you know I’d look after them’ and it broke my heart to have to say ‘I know you would but that’s just how it is’. She never asked again and it didn’t cause problems between us, so problem solved.

Do your kids stay other places without you? If not then it's easy enough to just not allow overnight stays without you. She could also come stay with you sometime if she's that keen.

I think it's fair enough to say that you aren't comfortable with a stranger in the house overnight anyway - that's really normal nowadays. And if you have a feeling about it then you won't relax anyway.

Absolutely no!!

This is one where you have to trust your gut.

You might be wrong, but it isn't worth the risk.

There could be all sorts of reasons why his daughter doesn't leave her kids with him - some parents don't leave their kids with anyone. Or maybe she resents his relationship with your MIL for some reason. Some adult children are very weird about their parents having relationships after divorce. Overall - although it's possible - I think 'he might be a paedophile' is probably the very least likely of all the potential reasons that his daughter doesn't leave her kids to be looked after by him. I suspect if his daughter thought he was a danger to children, she probably wouldn't see him at all.

However, obviously if you're not comfortable leaving your kids with him, you're absolutely not obliged to do that. And although you don't say what kind of 'lads' jokes you mean, I can certainly see why you wouldn't feel great about leaving your kids with him if you think he'll make misogynist or inappropriately smutty jokes around them.

Years ago, when my sister was trying for a baby with her (then) partner, she confessed to me that she would never be able to bring herself to leave any children she had with her partner's parents because of the way they spoke in front of small children - things like racist comments, constant swearing and scaremongering bollocks. If you don't feel comfortable with the way someone speaks in front of your kids, it's reasonable that you don't want to leave them alone with them.

It might be worth having a chat with your MIL about the inappropriate jokes etc? Maybe she can encourage him to rein it in and stop being a twat.

It doesn’t matter what the daughter or Sarah’s law have to say. The man gives you the heebie jeebies. Do not send your girls alone. Just because someone doesn’t have a criminal record doesn’t mean they are a good person.

There is no need to upset the apple cart. Just say you are not comfortable with a 3 hour drive. What if the girls are ill? What if they get homesick? It’s just too far for your liking. Trust your gut and stay vigilant. I would also call out inappropriate speech while you are there. Let him know it is unacceptable.

What do you say? Very simply "thanks for the offer but we're not doing sleepovers yet. Looking forward to seeing you when you come to stay here". Trust your instincts and dont worry about any awkwardness at all your kids safety comes before anything else.

If his own daughter doesn’t leave her girls THIS SAYS IT ALL

Well she obviously doesn't leave them for a reason, so once you get hold of her it'll be easy to discuss I think.

If MIL pushes it I think you will have to be honest and say her partners inappropriate comments give you concern.

that would be a no from me

This has always been my approach.
I was abused by a trusted (by everyone else) family friend when i was younger. (Not on an overnight stay.)
As a consequence, I have always had my eyes wide open to this and nether of my kids had sleepovers at other houses where there were older brothers/ mates/ dads/ stepdads kicking around.
my daughter still only has sleepovers with her best mate where there is no adult/ teen male in the house.
No regrets.
If you have a blanket rule “no sleepovers” then it’s easy enough not to have to explain/ get into.
I wish more parents were like you.

Thanks for this, really reminds me I’m not being a paranoid over reactor. I’m really sorry that happened to you 😞

Thank you. 🙏
Plenty of people have raised an eyebrow at the mo sleepover thing - especially when she was in primary. But I knew why and their own decisions are theirs to manage.
I don’t want to make this about me, or suggest no men can be trusted. It’s just the fact actually in my opinion it doesn’t matter how well you know people or think they’re ok. You just don’t know and I’d rather not ever risk it. My daughter is 16 now and always totally understood my position. (She didn’t know I’d been abused but she understood it was a safety thing and never ever complained about it.)
She’s 16 now and getting to the stage when she’s practically old enough to make her own decisions but I’m really proud that she now has solid instincts and has been raised to listen to and respect them - even at the expense of being polite.
No regrets.

The laddy jokes/ nuts magazine vibe alone would be enough for me to not want to leave them with him. He may be a harmless perv - as in he keeps his hand to himself - but his words express an attitude towards women that can also harm.

That his daughter doesn't leave her children with him ever is also also a red flag.

P. S. What do you say to MIL? You get your DH to explain to her that he gives of a perv vibe that neither of you think is healthy for kids to be exposed to. Shevhas agency - she can do with that as she pleases.

There can be several reasons why his daughter's children don't stay over and you are jumping to conclusions.
I have friends whose adult children don't allow gc to stay over ( mostly over critical Imo) and each to their own.
I think that you need to establish some facts before jumping to conclusions.

This! He may, or may not, be a perv so don't trust the kids with them.

But you (or rather, your DH - the pervy partner doesn't sound like he has much respect for what a woman might have to say) ought to be picking him up on his lad-bantz and telling him - no-one appreciates it, so knock it off, especially in front of the children. You might be doing your MIL a favour too, if he's hearing it from her but ignoring it and she's losing friends.