Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

Agree with PP this isn't a 'my husband didn't like how I looked on my wedding day' thing, this is a 'my husband is so jealous and insecure that he turns absolutely everything into a competition' (with an example being he was pissed off that there were more pictures of you than him on your wedding day). Or even 'my husband doesn't show me any respect / seem to like me'. Even if someone getting married doesn't like their new spouses outfit, they're normally glad to look at pictures of their spouse anyway because they look so happy, or because it reminds them of a happy day celebrating. Not only does he not like looking at pictures of you that he hasn't seen before, he seems to be making comments to bring you down a peg or too, to make you think you're not worthy of the attention that you got, to make you feel bad.

Do you want to be with someone like that? Is this the first time he has acted like that? I'd bet not

I felt so bad for you reading that OP. It smacks of jealousy /resentmentand sounds like he doesn't like you. And no, NAMALT.

What gives you the authority to speak on behalf of all men?

Some of this rings alarm bells for me unfortunately. All taken together it seems he’s got some misogynistic attitudes and is inconsiderate of your feelings.
What is he like in day to day life? Is he considerate? Does he think about you, show affection?

He’ll get worse if you have kids

Or perhaps in making those remarks he was just pointing out the ridiculousness of the "bridal suite" and the sheer volume of photos being taken etc.?

I'm not really arguing for anything other than the possibility that different interpretations are possible and this might not be the open and shut case of a vile abuser most commenters have this down as.

To be clear, I'm not saying that he's wonderful. And something's clearly gone awry, both at the wedding and in its aftermath. The OP has now spoken to her family and got a lot of responses on MN, hopefully she will be able to have a really good conversation with her husband about all of this and make some progress. Whatever form that progress takes.

And to add, I don't think there's anything inappropriate about anything I've written. I've engaged honestly and thoughtfully. It's OK for people to disagree.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Some of you have been kinder than others, but the majority of you have been incredibly supportive. I’ve read every single comment, and I definitely have a lot to think about. I already feel better just from sharing this with strangers on the internet. This is only my second post, my first one received just two comments, so I never expected this to gain as much attention as it has. I am going to stop reading replies now and not open this thread anymore as I feel a bit overwhelmed with everything

I have known a few men like this who actually did grow up a few years later (yes, you'd think it should have happened earlier, but I'm just saying one of these has changed totally- he's just nursed his wife through cancer, while supporting their SEN kids and extended family, though lots of her friends had advised a divorce because he was so immature a decade ago).
Weddings are weird, in that we often choose to embrace very old-fashioned ideas, and they do tend to be more about the bride and her family, and men can be mocked if they actually get involved, or criticised if they won't allow their bride to choose everything.
If he is otherwise a decent person, I'd let this go. He is maybe too blunt and honest, but better than than the other way round. Clearly he's insecure, and needs to grow up.

When did he tell you that he didn’t like how you looked? Your OP only says that there were a lot of pictures of you and he thought the dress was just a dress.

That was my first thought too.

Exactly. All the men I know who have had weddings have shown love, care and enjoyment during the happy day. Not this cruelty and meanness.

Of course. However, please take our advice.
This is not a nice man. This man is cruel and abusive and shows you no respect.
Come back when you think you're ready for more advice. Good luck.

Also, of he didn't want to do the letter exchange (which to be fair I wouldn't have liked either) he could have used his words and said he wasn't keen. I think agreeing then handing over a happy birthday card, in front of witnesses including people who are there to photograph your reaction, is pretty cruel to be honest

And someone who doesn't understand why women (who at weddings are expected to have their hair and make up done and wear big fancy dressed which can be hard to get into) genuinely need a bit more space to get ready, compared to men who just have a suit to put on and then they're done, is a bit of an idiot

She didn´t force anything on him. He has shown by his nasty after the fact comments that the has a mouth (and a viperine tongue), he should´ve used it before the fact, to add some features of his liking to his wedding. But let me guess, then it wouldn´t be so fun pulling it to pieces, would it?
OP my husband is quite immature but he would have done anything for me. I organised all our wedding and 15 years later I haven´t heard a negative comment, especially not about me and my dress! And I say that as somebody who thinks the letter is cringe, but he would have written a beautiful message because it was for me.

But not a woman able to read the OP’s post where she made clear that expanding the wedding from a small and quiet event was the groom’s choice or that the letters stunt was their wedding planner’s idea and they both agreed to go along with it.

You have also assumed their age and that the cost was mainly the groom’s concern - neither mentioned by the OP. The OP has also stated she wasn’t that comfortable with the early photos but felt it was part of the process - so something else she hadn’t been seeking.

So they had the larger wedding preferred by the groom, the fripperies sold to them by the wedding planner - not seeing any sign here of the groom being more forced than the OP into the pre wedding stuff. Nonetheless you have assumed that its all the OP wanting the fuss and the poor wee man paying for it.

Its all moot anyway - even if the day was not what either really wanted or expected you don’t treat your partner so poorly.

Plenty of people feel that some aspects of the day were not as they wished or wonder why they bothered with some nonsensical frippery. What they don’t do is to tell the person they have just vowed to love an honour that they looked awful and then repeat dismissive comments to their new spouse’s family.

Its a simply shitty way to behave and as per pp - if someone can’t treat their partner with love and respect in the honeymoon phase then for Om’s sake don’t have children with them and think very hard about the rest of their behaviours. These things are rarely isolated.

Fascinating how many posters insist she must have forced it on him as well as a large wedding despite it being clear in the OP’s posts that this was not the case.

Verily the sisterhood has far to go.

This. ^ My DH was cooing over the pics of me taken on our wedding day, saying I looked like a princess. He said I was beautiful, and looked stunning that day! We didn't have the photographer buzzing around taking multiple 100s pics of us/other people every minute of the day, and I would have HATED that..

But we did have 60-70 (posed) photos taken during the day, and the wedding breakfast, and had a small photo album - 6" x 4" - of all the photos taken, and we picked our favourite photos (32 of them,) for a 12" x 10" photo wedding album.

2 couples I know who got married in 2022 and 2023, had a photographer there all day like the OP, and they took between 800 and 900 photos! (In 9 hours.) Overkill or what?!

I would have felt so self concious all day with someone snapping off 2 to 3 photos a minute, just randomly. (About 50 were posed but the rest were 'candid shots...')

A few people in the wedding party said they felt so self concious all day. Especially the bride's mum in one of the couples. This lady is 15 stone, and very concious of her weight, and hated the photographer taking photos of her without her knowing it was being taken. She said she looked hideous on some 20 or so (mostly sideways-on) shots. I know most people are going to be looking at the bride and groom, but eyes will be on the mother of the bride too!

I think our way (the old way!) was much better. Some people in our family(s) picked some from the small album too. Aunts, parents, my brother, grandparents, and a couple of cousins, picked 1, 2, or 3 each to put in 5" x 7" frames in their house. We had 3 small ones in frames (7" x 5") and a large one in a 12" X 16" frame.

Yes we do love ourselves ... 😆 (#joking! Sort of!)

tl;dr, my DH kept telling everyone (when he was showing them the wedding album,) that he can't believe someone who looks like me wanted to marry him. He is good looking by the way, and I am not a supermodel (OK, but not supermodel,) but I am a supermodel to him, even now in my mid 50s and at 12 stone/size 16!

THIS is how a husband should behave @PeppyDenimSheep

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No man is going to be interested in looking at photos of his bride getting ready for their wedding and he's not going to be particulalrly interested in the bride's dress. either

Even if true most men wouldn't be nasty about it.

@PeppyDenimSheep looking at your other thread, I wonder whether he’s ever been nice to you. Please leave him.

Why on earth did you marry him????????????

Divorce is easier than it used to be...that would be my advice, before you risk bringing children into this.

And people reaching to blame OP, even going so far as to criticise her for the big wedding that HE WANTED

OP he sounds like a spiteful, mean, insecure, pathetic bully. I’m so sorry he’s been so horrible to you. In your position, there would be nothing he could do to rectify this-the damage is done and memories of what should be the happiest day of your life have been tainted.

I feel really sorry for the women on here who have evidently had such poor experiences with men that they are excusing this sorry excuse for a husband's frankly mean behaviour. Raise your standards please ladies!

I can understand the card being a "joke" - a bit tasteless but maybe intended to be funny and a bit of a statement about how he felt it was silly.

Multiple comments that belittle you, make you feel embarrassed and more awkward, and suck the joy out of what is supposed to be a wonderful day where you celebrate each other sound bitter and cruel.

Good grief, this man is jealous that you got more attention in your wedding dress, pretty hair and make up than he did whilst looking the same as always in a bog standard suit. What does he need a grooms suite for? So he can use it for the 30 second getting ready process that men go through on their wedding day? A pic of the groomsman helping him pick his underpants?

Sorry OP but this would give me the absolute ick. Tell him if he wanted a princess dress and make up artist he should’ve just said.

I actually think this is the very worst bit. He agreed to something heartfelt and then deliberately made a joke of it. He doesn’t give a shit about her.