Husband didn’t like how I looked on our wedding day

[PeppyDenimSheep]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if I’m justified in feeling upset about this.
I got married last year and we only recently received our wedding photos. When we sat down to look through them together for the first time, there were lots of pictures of me getting ready with my bridesmaids before walking down the aisle. Obviously, my husband hadn’t seen any of that because he wasn’t in the bridal suite but when those photos came up, he quickly skipped past them without looking. I asked him to go back because I wanted to see them, there were special moments, like my mum helping me into my dress.
As he looked through some of the photos of me in my dress before I walked down the aisle, he said, “Jesus, there are SO many of you, you’re really playing up to the camera.” I actually found the wedding morning quite awkward. I hate being the centre of attention and I’m not a naturally “posey” person and he knows that. Having constant photos taken was outside my comfort zone but the photographer guided me and reassured me I would like how they turned out. Surprisingly, I actually liked the photos of myself, which is rare because I’m usually very self critical. My husband also made remarks about how the photographer seemed to focus on me all day and must have “loved” me. We had a husband-and-wife photography team, so it wasn’t a guy being creepy with me. I explained that photographers typically take more photos of the bride because of the dress, hair, makeup, and flowers, that’s just standard for weddings.

This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like that. In the lead-up to the wedding, he would say things like, “How comes you get a bridal suite? Why don’t I get a groom’s suite?” or make comments that he and his best man would be getting ready in a cleaning cupboard. He also said he could already tell the wedding would be “all about you.” Anyone who knows me knows I’m not that type of person.
A few days later, we showed the wedding photos to some family. My aunt asked him what he thought when he first saw me walking down the aisle and whether my dress was what he imagined. He replied, “I thought it was just a dress.” That comment, combined with the earlier ones, really upset me.
It’s also brought back other things from the wedding that didn’t bother me at the time because I was in such a happy bubblem, but now they do. The night before the wedding, he stayed up drinking with friends until 4 a.m. On the morning of the wedding, we had planned to exchange letters and asked the photographer and videographer to capture it. When my bridesmaid handed me his letter, I opened it in front of everyone with cameras pointed at me. (I already felt awkward being the centre of attention). When I opened it, it was actually a birthday card with a kids cartoon on the front and the word “birthday” crossed out and replaced with “wedding.” Inside, it just said, “To (my name), love (his name).”
People I’ve spoken to say he’s just being a typical man, that men don’t care about these things. I understand that and at the time, none of it really bothered me. But after the comments about me “playing up to the camera,” it’s made me rethink everything. Now I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Am I being too sensitive?

He will only get worse. Do yourself a favour, get out now and find a partner who loves and respects you. He is not the one.

He sounds like a prick! Doesn’t sound like he likes you at all OP

Is it just about the wedding or is he like this in other aspects of your life ie rude, demeaning and generally making you feel like shit? If he's otherwise really lovely and makes you feel special and loved as any husband especially a new one should, then I'd suggest a gentle conversation explaining how you feel hearing so much negativity and that it's making you question your whole relationship which you assume isn't his intention. This one could be just total lack of self-awareness and the wedding day being overwhelming & now a source of irritation.

If however that isn't the case highly likely and he has shown arsehole tendencies elsewhere, I'd be sitting him down TONIGHT and making it bloody clear that you won't settle for being treated like shit, spoken to like an idiot or made to feel unloved. If he genuinely doesn't want to be with you then he can pack his bags and leave there and then. If he's suitable remorseful and genuinely just got into a bad habit of nit-picking, then make damn sure he knows it stops know or the marriage is ending.

Left unsaid, this will only get worse. And please be prepared to walk away if need be. My best friend left her first husband 1 week before their 1st anniversary for similar arsehole behaviour and it was the hardest & bravest thing she's ever done but 100% worth it - 3 children and 10 years of 2nd marriage to a really lovely bloke have shown her quite how awful her 1st one was.

Sorry OP, this is never going to end well.

This is the kind of man who can't bear for anything not to be entirely about him. Any moment where you feel happy or are celebrated in any way, he will be there to tear you down and rain on your parade- but he'll expect you to be his biggest cheerleader for his every occasion. Prepare for tantrums on your birthday, snide jabs when you get a promotion at work, and mysterious illnesses every time you plan something for yourself. I'm so sorry you've married him.

My parents were shit parents but one thing I realised as an adult - and really appreciated - is that they showed me what a respectful relationship looks like. They do annoy each other, but they are always always always kind, they never say a nasty word to each other, never put one another down. Seeing that as a child meant that when I started dating I had a fundamental expectation that anyone who was with me would treat me with total respect all the time, even if they were annoyed at me, in a bad mood, whatever. The result was I married my DH who, despite some large downs in the midst of all our ups, has never said anything even slightly nasty to me in over 20 years.

I can only conclude that people who excuse shitty behaviour grew up in homes where mean, vindictive, thoughtless and even cruel behaviour was standard and expected, particularly from men.

It is not too much to expect that your life partner, the person you're with day in and day out, the person you have children with, will be the kindest person in your life. In fact, I'd say it's a non-negotiable, given how much you're likely to go through with them. It is hard enough to maintain love through bereavement, stress, sickness etc without exposing it to the corrosiveness of meanness and thoughtlessness too.

@Whyarepeople - very true, but I think it's more than that. It's an anti feminist push back. It erodes women and keeps them under the control of men. It's a "put up and shut up" situation. Anyone with any sense knows this isn't about the letter or the dress. They're excusing him.
Just to add, your "corrosive meaness" point is spot on.

He's grooming you to doubt yourself and lower self esteem, so you'll behave and be compliant, it's working.

This is really unfair. You’re acting like OP is a bridezilla who has forced her husband to go along with ridiculous schmaltzy nonsense, and he’s just finally voicing his tiny, unheard opinion.

In fact, they were both low-key people who went along with societal expectations (including from their wedding planner) to have a bigger and more showy wedding - though nothing out of the ordinary. They both agreed to the wedding day letter, and the husband initiated inviting more people.

The husband ultimately resents the fuss and pageantry as it’s not really “him”, but instead of accepting that he jointly chose this, he’s taking out his resentment on his wife.

He acted out at the time by staying out partying the night before, then sabotaged the wedding letter with his mockery of a card. Now he’s diminishing his wife by acting like she was being a show off and a princess for existing in her own wedding photos, and by saying he was underwhelmed by her dress. “It’s just a dress” = none of this silly nonsense is impressive to me.

It comes across as is he is spiteful and jealous of his bride getting more attention than him, and wanted to ruin her special moments and now spoil her memories. And he’s fully blaming his wife for them both getting swept along with societal wedding expectations. He was too immature to know himself and his own wants, and failed to speak up during wedding planning. Now it’s his wife’s fault.

This ⬆️

These are the types of males that are jealous of their own children op, these types need to be left alone and certainly not rewarded with marriage, sex and children.

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh Your whole argument is that he’s just not romantic and that he doesn’t like weddings and he’s entitled to not like weddings and gush over them. But he said multiple times that he expected more-wanted to have his own ‘grooms suite’, wanted more photos of himself getting ready, wanted it to be less about the bride and to have more focus on himself. So he clearly DOES like weddings, just didn’t like how much attention his wife got.

I also think it’s really inappropriate on a thread where someone has posted, clearly upset that you’re watching it like some sort of cultural experiment and commenting ‘fascinating’ on replies and views. This is someone’s feelings and life, not some lab test.

He sounds like a complete knob.

He's a misogynist and he hates you. You don't have to stay. Give yourself some time to open your eyes and see it for yourself. You can't change him.

I can't believe you even need to ask @PeppyDenimSheep How is any of his behaviour acceptable?! Bin him. Before you have any children. He will get worse with each passing year.

I am sorry your bar is so low.

None of the men in my life would behave like this resentful oaf.

I’ve just seen your other post from today. Don’t remove your implant, remove this man from your life!

I'm quite content that I don't need to raise my bar thankyou! 😄

No man is going to be interested in looking at photos of his bride getting ready for their wedding and he's not going to be particulalrly interested in the bride's dress. either

And if he says he is, then he isn't being honest.

It doesn't actually matter whether or not it is reasonable to think that there is too much fuss about weddings etc. That is completely irrelevant imo.

The only relevant thing that I can see here is that this is a man who clearly has no regard for his wife's feelings, and deliberately makes comments with the intention of making her feel shit.

If anyone doesn't see that as a massive red flag, then they need to reconsider their standards.

That’s the first thing that popped in to my head. It honestly surprises me how many couples I’ve met where the man just seems to dislike their partner

Get rid

OP, tell us what kind of man he is usually. How does he show you he loves you (even if he doesn't say it)? Why did you feel that he was Mr Right?

I know you have just married but this man is a misogynist, please research it and you will see he is showing he hates women and he will only get worse and he will slowly destroy your sense of self.

Oh, it’s not that he doesn’t care. He does care, very much. Unfortunately, not in the way that affords you or your marriage even the most basic of respect.

How he’s acting wouldn’t be justified even if he didn’t like weddings, or found them uninteresting. You don’t go out of your way to purposefully shit all over something that is special and meaningful to someone you profess to love.

No of course its not ok and how dare he talk to you like that, i would look at your friendships too and see if you are allowing this treatment with them, the old me once upon a time would ring my ex partner and say ive decorated and painted such and such room please be nice and say you like it as he constantly put me down...the me now after how hes spoken to you, he would be out the house and not allowed back until he had explained why he thinks its ok to put me down and if he couldnt his bags would be packed...people will treat you as you allow,.he knows what hes doing hes put you down on a beautiful day in a beautiful dress when you looked beautiful coz he gets a kick from it, i wouldnt allow him a second chance to get any more kicks out of you and no offence but im guessing he puts you down coz hes no robert redford, he sounds like a sniveling snotty little mummys boy who didnt get a prize in his exam at school so hes dumping all his insecurities at your feet,